Daddy Needs Some Alone Time

Praise for Hugo

2011-12-12T00:28:00.000-08:00

Man, it’s been a busy month. OK, I said I would only be updating once a month and… Oh, wait. Here it is.

The good news is that the new book is now with the editor so I have a break for a bit. The Comedy Film Nerds Guide to Movies has been a project myself, my CFN partner Graham Elwood and 11 other writers have been working on for over a year. And it’s finally edging towards the finish line and should be out in June if everything goes according to plan. It will be in bookstores (what are they?) and digital platforms online and of course for sale at comedyfilmnerds.com.

But I had just finished my chapters, including one on Family Films and Film School classics and never really thought about them being linked. Until I saw Martin Scorsese’s beautiful new film Hugo. It’s amazing. I usually leave the movie reviews over at CFN but I need to talk about this film some more. Plus, Neil T. Weakley did a fantastic job on the review over there so it’s covered.

In the upcoming book I touch on George Melies in the Film School Classics chapter and never thought I’d see him referenced in a “family” film, but there it is. And it’s done brilliantly. It’s gets to the heart of who we are, and why stories are so important. For the most obvious reason of all: They bring us together. Often in a dark theater with asshole teenagers texting next to us, but ultimately we are still brought together. The buzz on Hugo is that it is a love letter to film, and that is partially true. But it’s more of love letter to storytelling, storytellers, and how at heart that’s really who we all are.

From the trailer, it looks like a boy living in a train station clock trying to get his toy robot to work that his father left him. That is only one part of the film. But I guess it’s the part the trailer editor felt was important. Oh, don’t get me started on trailers. But I digress.

What’s weird is that it’s a “family” film. Yes, it’s a family film and the whole family can enjoy it, but ultimately young children who don’t have a working knowledge of early 1900s film history may be a little bored. Just saying. But it’s really just a great film without any sex, violence, cursing or other “adult” themes. Does that make it a family film? The absence of any scenes that would garner an R rating? Maybe. I won’t show it to my daughter until she is older, like around 9 or 10. Not because there is anything objectionable, but I think she’ll appreciate it much more in a few years. Right now she’d be bored if the robot doesn’t act like the Iron Giant, so we’ll wait a bit.

This is a movie made by dreamers for dreamers. I’ve always been one. I still am. We all are, even if we forget sometimes. That’s the point of the film. Martin Scorsese reminds us why we are all dreamers, and how dull life would be otherwise. See this film.

Let Go Or Be Dragged

2011-11-04T13:28:00.000-07:00

I don’t get out so much anymore, but a friend of mine was doing an essay show last night. That’s where performers of varying ability go on stage and read personal essays with variable success. My pal did great, some performers… needed a bit more practice… but there was another performer who said something I hadn’t heard before, and it resonated with me.

The performer was talking about the baggage in her life and remembered a saying “Let Go or Be Dragged”. I guess it’s a popular saying, but I had never heard it before. And it makes SO much sense. And I need to do it more. Right now.

How much shit do we hold onto on a daily basis? Sometimes I lose count. I’m like an emotional pack rat sometimes. When we get older it seems to get worse. We have more room to put things. I’m not sure how that is, or what’s gone in our heads that’s making all that room, and I’m not sure I want to know.

Everything from childhood nonsense, parenting nonsense, work nonsense, and relationship nonsense just has to go. The fun nonsense you can keep. But ultimately, what’s done is done. Let go.

Sometimes I hear my brain going “I need this, I need that” and I realize slowly, “No, you don’t.” Except maybe Mass Effect 3 when that comes out. Geez, what’s taking so long?!

So is being dragged a function of aging? Sadly, I think it is. There is just simply more stuff to hang onto, and our mental toy box is getting full. So, for me, I am trying to make my brain have a garage sale. Try it. Get rid of all that shit you don’t want, from the asshole cutting you off on the 405 (If I ever FIND that son of a bitch)… the job you didn’t get, the screw job on a car repair, or the new computer you just bought bursting into flames or Home Depot screwing up your kitchen install. (Most of that list has actually happened to me)

But if you really look back on it, who cares? Does it matter? No, it doesn’t. Well, in that case, I’m done. I’m tired of being dragged. I’m letting go.

A Bookstore Made Me Sad

2011-09-26T10:28:00.000-07:00

I was waiting to get my Volkswagen fixed, for the thousandth time, and wandered into a used bookstore on Melrose ave that I had never noticed before. Of course I did this after going into Golden Apple to check out the comics.

I walked in and a welcoming, musty smell greeted me. The kind only old bookstores have. Two old dudes ran the place, and it was piled from floor to ceiling with used books. And they were also all over the floors and aisles. As I walked in and looked at the piled and piles of books towering over me, I got a bit nervous since we live in earthquake country. I did not want to get beaten to death by literature. That would be a very awkward obituary. “Writer killed by falling words”. But I boldly walked down the aisle and asked where the Science Fiction and Children’s sections were. Something for me, and something for the kids. My wife already had books she was backed up on and didn’t need any more.

I went to the Science Fiction section and found a Ray Bradbury book, short stories about dragons, and an old Marvel Comics Conan graphic novel. I also saw books I had read in high school that I didn’t really need to purchase again. But they were all nostalgic finds. I felt like a kid again. That’s when I became a bit melancholy. Bookstores are disappearing, and small used bookstores and becoming even rarer. I remember spending hours in them as a kid, finding old tomes like a treasure hunter and being elated when I found something really cool.

There are generations now who may never know that thrill. Less books are being published every year and while the internet has made browsing and self publishing accessible, it’s just not the same as going into a dusty bookstore looking for buried treasure. I loved going into the used book store vaults and taking the time and reading the back covers, looking at the artwork, and shuffling through science fiction books that are in no way alphabetized. I was always rewarded.

The truth is, books (and bookstores) were never meant to compete with a constant barrage of faster media from video screens. You have them everywhere. From multiple screens in your house to your phone where you can demand any type of entertainment you want. Why would you want to wander around a dusty bookstore where your purchases could possibly fall on your head? A Kindle is safer. (sigh)

I’m not saying books and reading are dead. If that were the case then the world would truly be ending. I’m saying the way we used to take the time and discover new worlds through books by physically going into a store and browsing may be on the way out. The library may soon be the last place you can do that.

So if you see a used bookstore, go in it. You never know what you may find. These days, it’s the closest thing we have to a time machine. And those old books sitting on the shelves look lonely. They want to be read. Give them a chance.

Do Writers Get Upset Over Bad Reviews?

2011-08-31T15:08:00.000-07:00

This is an interesting question. The answer is very simple: Yes, but we pretend we don’t. As a writer, whether you’re an author, blogger, screenwriter, etc. it doesn’t matter. You are subject to scrutiny by normal people and lunatics alike.

When you write, you put yourself out there and you hope people will like it and no matter how many people do, somehow our artsy brains fixate on the asshole who doesn’t like us. It takes a long time to let this go.

I remember years ago I was doing a show in this shitty one nighter and it was horrible. Lots of cowboy hats and large belt buckles, and I’m not sure how I ended up there. Anyway, I was bombing and was thinking at least I should try to ride the mechanical bull. But there was one table of college kids who thought I was awesome.

The next comic went on and was a road act and killed. They loved him, except for the table of college kids who liked me and thought he was terrible. I was OK with the night, I still got paid, it was just a bad night and clearly, not my audience. The other comic and I drove back together and all he could talk about was that table of college kids who hated him. He had the rest of the audience… from Hee Haw enjoying him. But he couldn’t let it go.

My point is, let it go. Whether you’re a writer or not. In your life, just let it go. Not everyone is going to like you. That’s just not how life works. And if you think everyone likes you, someone is lying to you, or everyone is afraid to make you upset because of some kind of psychological history. But the point is, it doesn’t matter. The people that will matter to you will like you. The people that don’t, don’t.

But the internet makes being a troll all the more inviting for assholes. It’s anonymous. You can say things you would never say to someone in person, and you don’t have to sign your name. You can even do it in 140 characters or less.

Amazon reviews or blog comments are very interesting when you break them down. I think 70% total are legitimate, but maybe less. On the positive side, you have fake good reviews by friends, and on the negative side it’s more complicated. Now you have people who write long negative reviews or comments to draw you to their own bullshit, a website or a self-published book. That’s how you want to get fans? By trashing someone else? Really?!

Misguided self-promotion aside, how many well thought out negative reviews or comments have you read? Very few. They are filled with anger, emotion, and often misspellings. People don’t get it and get angry that they don’t. They get angry that you don’t think like them, in their tiny little lizard brain capacity. It’s surprising they can type with prehensile appendages, but whatever. Oh, but if you do get a well thought out negative review with constructive criticism, they are at least worth reading. That’s about 1 in 1,000.

So do negative reviews bother me personally? Sure. But not as much as they used to. I’ve been learning to let things go. Not easy but I’m learning. Sometimes I’ll just reread some of the amazing positive emails or reviews I’ve received on how my book has helped someone. Then the negative reviews mean even less.

But the truth about negative and even positive reviews still holds: There is, guaranteed, one way to never ever get any bad reviews or comments: Don’t write anything.

Good luck and keep writing.

Baby on a Budget

2011-07-15T14:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, time for the monthly blog post. That’s right, I said monthly. I’m not gonna conform to these Byzantine “one post a week” rules. Actually, one of the reasons I haven’t been posting much is that I was working on another book. An Ebook, and it’s called BABY ON A BUDGET and is out now.

Most books exist in both “regular” and “E” versions. But this one is only an Ebook because it is chock full of links to help you budget and save money in the first year of parenthood and poorenthood.

I’m not the best at budgeting and money management. I’m really not and never have been. So when I was asked to write the US version of BABY ON A BUDGET I was a little hesitant. What did I know about budgeting? I am a writer and a comedian. It was like asking a NASCAR Driver to do heart surgery. But then I thought for a moment. What better time to learn? Budgeting, not NASCAR driving. Hey, I even tried to make budgeting funny. That was a bit of a challenge. As a rule, budgeting is not so funny. Unless your adding machines are being operated by monkeys wearing tuxedos. Okay that’s funny, but too expensive.

So I dove into writing the US version of BABY ON A BUDGET for the DIYFATHER.com website based in New Zealand. And the first thing I learned is that things are very different in other countries when it comes to childcare and healthcare in general. What has this got to do with budgeting? A lot, actually.

There are a lot less people in New Zealand, but the government seems to care about them more. I had to jettison whole sections of the book dealing with all of the government aid and subsidies you get just for having a child over there. Including help with healthcare. Here, we don’t get squat except a $1000 tax credit.

But there was a lot more to learn, like how to use online shopping, budgeting websites, and hand me downs to really lower the cost of having a baby. Some of these tips I already knew, some of them were knew and some of them I REALLY which I had known back when we were having our first child.

So while I was writing, I learned a lot about budgeting and how much more I had to do. Budgeting is like dieting. The only way it works long term is if you change your lifestyle, not going on a crash diet. This whole “spend less than you take home” thing, is kind of a new concept to a generation raised (and almost destroyed) on and by credit. But you have to do it. I’m tired of being at the mercy of banks and insane interest rates. Not to mention crooked business practices. Bailout, anyone? I’m sure you are sick of it too. Of course it’s easy to fall off the horse, with dieting and budgeting. We all come home with a box full of donuts now and then. I mean that literally and possibly metaphorically.

So why not do something about it? We’ve started and our personal debt is now finally going in the right direction: down. It will take some time but I think we’re on a better track now. It’s actually not that impossible. You just have to have a starting point and an understanding of what you need vs what you want. And for some of us, it started with having a baby. Do we NEED designer crib sheets? Do we NEED an expensive nursery “theme”? No. You can buy diapers online and on sale. You can wear hand me down clothes. (OK, it may look weird if you start doing that but it’s fine for the baby) We do hand me downs with clothes, why not toys? Ah, see? I just saved you money right there.

You often learn by reading. This time, I learned by writing. And I really hope it will help other people too. You don’t have to spend a fortune to have a baby. Budgeting pays off many times over. It just takes a little more time, effort, and energy to save money. Because not all of us live in New Zealand.

BABY ON A BUDGET is available at AMAZON.com on Kindle (you don’t need a Kindle to read it, you can download a free reader). Just click on the link to the left.

Throwing Up For Jesus

2011-06-07T17:02:00.000-07:00

So we’re not so great about going to church, but the Catholic guilt does kick in every once in a while. We decided to go to the church fair with the family. It’s still church but with rides and fried food. What could possibly go wrong? Slather on the sunscreen, everyone in their hats, great. Tick tick tick tick….

Our six year old daughter is a bit of a daredevil and wants to go on every ride immediately. Some of the ones looked tame, and then there were the ones myself or my wife has to go on with her. I like amusement park rides, but carnival and fair rides I’m not as huge a fan of. And after this day, even less so.

Bella picks one of the rides that looks like one of those mini swing rides that every amusement park has, the one where you get strapped to a large swing and it goes up and around in a circle. Fine.

So I’m in line with Bella and then I notice something I hadn’t noticed before. The weird umbrella swing ride was going faster and faster. I was starting to have some doubts. My wife and son came over and she said something casually like “I would go on with her but I don’t have the right shoes.” Really?! Man, why didn’t I think of that? Such a lame excuse but it confused me long enough for her to walk away.

So I got on the ride and it started off fine. I had been on those giant swing rides before with Bella and no problem. She started laughing, having a great time. But then with every revolution it got faster. And faster. And faster. Too late, I realized the ride was a centrifuge disguised as a swing ride. All the platelets were spinning out of my blood.

Round and round, faster and faster and then the ride did something that sent me over the edge. It was going up and around, on an angle, way too fast, and then the basket/seat started swinging from side to side. I had had enough. Time to be the no fun dad. I held out for as long as I could.
Every time I went past the carnie, I yelled “stop”.

After five times, he stopped the ride and I stumbled off. Bella, however wanted to stay on but she couldn’t ride alone so she gave me a 6 year old hissy fit while I was trying to figure out how not to get hit in the face with the ground.

I soon caught up with the wife and son. She saw how pale I was and we sat down, drank some coke and they all had some ice cream. I thought “This will pass, right?” And… no. Twenty minutes later I had to announce I had to go home and obviously couldn’t drive. We drove home with the kids upset but I think the church was pleased we spent some money at least. Catholic guild appeased.

It was a horrible ride home, we stopped at every light and I felt like my stomach didn’t. I got home, ran into the bathroom and puked my guts out like I was at my bachelor party. Only this time it didn’t taste like kamikazes. So I was throwing up, but for once it was for a good cause.

When I finally recovered my wife said to me “Awww, you just wanted to go on the ride with your daughter so she could have fun. You’re a good daddy.” Wow, unexpected bonus points. But from now on, when we go to a fair or a carnival, I’m bringing the wrong shoes.

My Life with Video Games

2011-04-30T09:32:00.000-07:00

I haven't disappeared. I've just been sick, the kids were sick, not necessarily in that order. When you have kids, flu season seems to last for 11 months. Ugh. Everyone is better now. Anyway, I thought I'd post an article I did for... I can't remember. So many places wanting free content, I just can't keep them straight. My Life with Video Games. Enjoy.

I’ve been playing video games for as long as I can remember. It started one fateful evening when my family went out to dinner and there was this new machine at the restaurant, and it wasn’t a pinball machine. It had two long blocks and the goal was to knock the smaller block past the other player’s larger block. Yes, it was 1972 and the game was PONG, I was mesmerized at the time like a teenager watching Charlie’s Angels, and soon the video game industry was born.

I remember playing a pinball machine my grandfather had in his basement, but even then it was an antique. You stuck a penny in and you got to play, but all the ball really did was hit some metal strips and then went into one of the various holes with no fanfare whatsoever. I don’t even thing electricity was involved. So to play PONG, it was a revelation.

And thus with the birth of the video game industry my pixual awakening occurred, and I knew right then I would lose many, many hours of my life staring at a screen in someone’s basement for the next 30 some years. Voluntarily. Tanks made of blocks, dragons that looked like ducks, and a game where all you did was fish was all it took to amuse us back then. Seriously, Fishing Derby?! I don’t think that game is on Activision’s remake slate anytime soon.

OK, now that I’m in LA, I’m all growed up and have a family of my own. I still play video games. Due to little things like earthquakes there are no basements here so it kind of ruins the nostalgia a little bit, but it’s still just as shut-inny.

I remember hooking up our Atari 2600 to a 19 inch television. It was basic, blurry, and we loved it. Except for that E.T. game. Even back then we know that was a piece of crap. But our favorites were Missile Command, Superman, Adventure, and Megamania. Of course, Combat, the game that came with the system gave us a bunch of hours and a few headaches as well.

“Why don’t you guys go outside?” was all we would hear from upstairs. OK, we did go outside a lot, but half the time was indeed spent sequestered like an indecisive jury going over forensic evidence. But we were trying to get to the next level on Pac Man, which looked nothing like the arcade game.

Now, like a lot of guys, I never stopped playing video games. I never “took a break”. From the Atari 2600 to the Nintendo machine with the stupid robot to the Sega Genesis to the X-Box 360, video games have matured with us, and we have matured with them. Well, sort of. We’re making more money now, at least. We have to as the new systems and games are a lot more expensive.

I never got into the online play as much, with the shooters and World of Warcraft. Mainly because I think I might like it a little bit TOO much. But I like the social experience. That piece of nostalgia can still ring true. I would go to Halo parties with four X-Boxes linked together and eight dudes in one room, eight in another. It’s so cool to frag someone and then hear a very loud expletive immediately coming from the neighboring room.

But the gaming industry has matured to the point where, like movies and television, there is something for everyone. But that means there is also more stuff you have to be aware of and keep your children from. But, hey, this time it’s easy, right? We’re in Best Buy or GameStop and usually know more than the clerks anyway. We know what’s appropriate and what’s not. We’re DUDES. We can tell The Covenant from Spyro. Mario from Sam Fisher. Banjo from Kazooie. It’s our wheelhouse.

Now my four year old daughter and I are playing Kingdom Hearts together. Disney and Final Fantasy, how can you go wrong? OK, she’s not really playing as much as telling me what to do. “Go see Winnie the Pooh! Talk to the Princesses! Read what they are saying!”

Now with two young children I have a lot less time to play, but at the end of a grueling day, an hour with a wireless controller definitely relaxes me. Unless I’m stuck on a boss fight in God of War, then it’s not so relaxing.

Video games have come a long way. And they have caught up and in some ways surpassed other entertainment mediums. So as parents, this means we have one more thing to watch out for. But like I said, it’s something we’re already intimately familiar with. So FINALLY, something that’s easy for us. I try to hide my “adult” games and don’t even let my daughter see the covers so as to not even arouse her curiosity. So it’s Kingdom Hearts at 7:00pm, Bedtime at 8:00 pm and then Resident Evil at 9:00pm. And then usually bed by 9:45. Because I’m an adult. I can go to bed whenever… the kids let me.

Comedy and Japan

2011-03-15T10:02:00.000-07:00

Time for the monthly blog post. I like blogging, I’m finding, but if I force myself to make more posts, I find I don’t enjoy it as much. Isn’t that the point? I’ve seen a lot of “final posts” from bloggers who ran out of things to say and they had been updating quite regularly. Hey, slow down, Fast Eddie. Blogging should be like any other writing: You do it because you love it. If you’re not loving it, change it so that you are. If that means less updates, then so be it. OK, rationalization over.

Now, unless you live in a cave without wifi, you are aware of what’s going on in Japan. The easiest, quickest way to help is just to go to redcross.org.

Now when you think of comedy, it’s difficult to think of it as anything more than entertainment, and how it can lighten your mood. But can it really help people?

Graham Elwood and I have been doing the comedyfilmnerds.com podcast for over a year now and we’ve been really loving it. It’s been fun, liberating and just very satisfying. We have many listeners, from all over the world. That’s what’s so amazing about the internet. You can now really reach people all over the world with your work. As long as they understand your language of course.

We have listeners in Japan, and we started hearing from them. And what we heard was heartbreaking. Thankfully, the fans we heard from were safe and so were their families. One guy e-mailed and said it took him 8 hours to walk home from work since the trains weren’t running. He was worried about his family and listened to us on the walk, and it made him feel better and gave him a few laughs as he walked home with no way to contact his family. When he finally got home, everyone was OK.

We received another e-mail from another fan about how Comedy Film Nerds fans and other writers for our site kept her company via Twitter during the hardest time. So thanks to Facebook and Twitter, we could communicate and ultimately make a connection with each other. Isn’t that the whole point of social media? Or is it to play Farmville?

To have what we do in some small way help people, especially during a tragedy, is about as big of a compliment there is. Ultimately, as artists, no matter what we’re doing be it writing a novel, painting a pastoral landscape or telling a joke, the end goal is to make someone’s life a little better, by giving them an escape, (or in rare cases, having your work stay with them) even if just for a fleeting moment. Artists have certainly done it for me, and to hear we’ve done it for other people is again, the ultimate compliment.

So Graham and I were humbled and flattered by the e-mails. But obviously, there is so much more we can do. So please help. Jokes are great, but people need food, clothing, and shelter as well. Redcross.org

How I Lost My Shit at the Walgreens

2011-02-06T20:38:00.000-08:00

OK, so my blogging frequency has sucked lately. Bloggers often say “Well, I just didn’t have anything to say.” Not my problem. I have plenty to say, and according to most people around me, a bit too much. Time is more my whole issue. So I’m doing once a month, more if I have time. There aren’t any rules, right? I don’t HAVE to do once a week, right? It’s still free content. (plug) Please buy my book.

Last night the headline almost read “Comedian Throttles Walgreen’s Employee For Gross Incompetence And Stupidity At 5:00 Am. And He Was Completely Justified, Other Customers Applaud”

Our two year old finally got Pink Eye. Everyone else in his preschool class had it, so it was only a matter of time. Our doctor called in eye drops to the Walgreens. They couldn’t get it filled for hours and Griffin was already asleep so I would get it in the morning. 4:45 am rolls around and Griffin is up, crying and complaining about his eyes hurting and goo coming out. Fine. Off to the pharmacy I went.

Sadly, the days of the neighborhood pharmacy and competent pharmacy staff are over. Everything is corporatized and lowered down to the cheapest possible way to operate. When I was a kid we had a neighborhood pharmacy and the pharmacist’s name was Burt. He knew you and would help you out. Any problem with a prescription or insurance, he’d take care of it. And, if you can believe it, he knew how to work the cash register.

But I wasn’t going to see Burt. I was going to a corporate pharmacy run by apathetic, lobotomized sloths. I knew I was in trouble when I was waiting for my prescription and the guy in front of me had a problem. He got it resolved.. eventually. My turn. She can’t find the prescription. The woman behind the counter is literally rooting around on the floor for the prescription because everything is in bins because no one has alphabetized them yet. She looks at me, hoping I’ll tell her I’d come back later. No way. I look back and say “Keep looking. My son needs the medicine.”

She finds it. Finally. It’s already been 10 minutes. She tells me it will be $120. I tell her we have insurance. I even give her my card. AGAIN. Not working. She’s typing the numbers in right from the card. Nothing. She FINALLY gets it right, with the manager’s help. Another 10 minutes. The price goes down to $15.

I’m starting to lose it. It’s 5:00 am, I haven’t slept in 10 months due to Griffin’s sleep disorder, my son is suffering because this idiotic woman can’t get her shit together.

She starts to ring it up along with a few tissues and some other small items. I run my card and enter my pin. Her register starts to beep. She looks like a cat after you flash a flashlight into its eyes. She tries again. More beeps. I don’t need my receipt. I can’t take it anymore and lose it. We’re going on 30 minutes now. I tell her “You figure it out. I’m leaving” So I walk out. I hear her call the manager and yell after me that I can’t leave. I keep walking.

It’s then that a little voice in my head says that “Hey, maybe you should stop walking.” So I turned around saw the idiot following me, and I went back with this now hyper stupid person to the pharmacy department.

Turns out this idiot made a perfect sweep of being incompetent, and the transaction didn’t go through at all. So if I hadn’t turned around, I would have been stealing thanks to her moroness. I yelled at her that I didn’t have any more time and my son was sick, and she better get het manager back here immediately.

Now, here’s where it’s going to sound like I’m making it up. Both her and the manager show up, no apology, and neither can get back into the pharmacy department because this idiot didn’t know the combination to the door. It shut and locked behind her when she followed me out.

And apparently the manager didn’t have the combination either. They kept trying. I looked at them like they were the dumbest people in the world, which they probably were. Not because they couldn’t remember the combination, but because IT WAS AN OPEN AIR PHARMACY. I actually had to say “JUST CLIMB OVER THE COUNTER!” That type of security won’t keep out a mildly determined four year old. It’s like locking a screen door.

Now at this point, I know not to call anyone an idiot or stupid, because that would be rude, but here are the names that went through my head at the time: Stupid Stupiderman, Lady Duh Duh, Idiota Moronica, Dommo Arrigato Mrs. Retardo, How are you alive because you are so stupidicus?, Queen Dumbass, and Retardabitch. But I kept them to myself.

Moron Lady climbed over the counter, thank God I made the suggestion, and then let her idiot manager in. They rang me up. Over 40 minutes now. I was ready to let loose on these people, but again, I kept my cool and told the manager, “You need to train your people better.”

The manager calmly replied “she’s a floater”. I paused. The Manager’s response was very telling. Many words were said underneath what she actually said. What she was really saying was, “Like the corporation who employs me, I just don’t give a shit.” She obviously didn’t care that this person had no idea what she was doing, and didn’t care that this idiot behind the pharmacy counter who was normally stocking candy and Slim Jims was in charge of giving out prescription pharmaceuticals. There was no apology, nothing, and it was a little scary. It’s the new corporate strategy: Cutback and hire apathetic morons. Well done.

Ironically, I had originally switched to Walgreens because Rite Aid kept fucking up my prescriptions. Guess the joke’s on me. I miss Burt.

24 Hours in Monterey... Alone

2011-01-06T20:26:00.000-08:00

Well, the holidays are now over and I have to say I think the kids really enjoyed them. The adults, well, let’s just say the kids really enjoyed them. We had our bouts of illness, at some point everyone was down.

The real killer happened when our two year old got sick and we had to cancel our two day Monterey Trip. Sort of. The wife and I haven’t gone away for a while and we had planned two days in Monterey over six months ago while the grandparents looked after the kids. We were both looking forward to it. Mainly to unwind and sleep since our two year old also has a sleeping disorder and won’t sleep through the night no matter what we try. Everything from blacking out the curtains, changing the bedtime, talking clocks, rags filled with ether, etc. It just doesn’t matter. That kid is UP.

So we had to cancel the trip. The problem is, in order to save money we got an advance internet rate that was non-refundable. So our hotel room was paid for and enjoying Monterey without us. We called the hotel and they wouldn’t budge. We tried to see if any of our friends wanted it—no takers.

Finally on the second day we agreed (mostly me) that ONE of us should use it, since it was paid for. I offered it to my wife but the little one was in “I Want Mommy” sick mode so it made more sense for me to go. I love rationalizing.

So off I went on the 5-6 hour drive to Monterey, by myself. I got to the hotel, checked in, enjoyed some free wine and went to a nice dinner by myself. Walking around Monterey it’s all couples and families. Walking around by myself I got a lot of looks like “Oh, he must work here.”

I have to say, I really missed my wife. It was the whole point of the trip. But still, it’s been a tough year and even alone the trip was worth it. Walking around by yourself and looking at the ocean, well, there are worst ways to spend an evening.

So I went back to the hotel, laid down and… couldn’t sleep. I was too hot. There was no way to regulate the temperature in the room. There was just a knob with no numbers or markings of any kind on it. Note to hotel: If you are going to renovate, add a freaking thermostat to your rooms. So I was too hot. Then I finally fell asleep and woke up at three in the morning freezing. I moved the mystery knob and hoped the room would warm up. It did, eventually, and I went back to sleep.

I got up, had a lame continental breakfast (included in my already paid for room, I was tempted to ask for yesterday’s too) and was on my way.

Driving back on Pacific Coast Highway, looking at the scenery, I finally felt my body start to untangle. You can’t look at the beautiful Northern California coast and not be affected by it. No wonder it costs a billion dollars to live there. I stopped, took some pictures, and took my time getting back.

So it wasn’t the best vacation ever, but it did drive a point home: Everyone needs a change of scenery, even just for 24 hours. I felt a lot better when I got back. I still do, just from that little trip. Now I’m sure my wife is starting to price hotels in Santa Barbara as I type this…

Go Random!

2010-11-24T14:32:00.000-08:00

I thought it was time for another random smattering of mini-posts. Actually, it was time for any type of post at this point. Have I lost interest in blogging? Not really, I just seem to be losing time.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! In our land of cable news and iPhones sometimes we forget all the things we are thankful for. And one of them isn’t cable news.

Hey Pandora ad department, if I am listening to free music through the internet, do you really think I can afford a Jaguar?

Two year old still is only sleeping 6-8 hours a night. Problem is there seems to be no problem. It looks like that’s all he needs. Dammit!

Saw a billboard for a loaf of cheese. For the love of God, people. Seriously. A cheese loaf. Stop the insanity. Although, I can’t wait to have a nice piece of bread in between my two slices of loaf cheese.

I am reading The Hunger Games and I am absolutely surprised about how good it is. Sometimes I read stuff to see “what all the fuss is about”, although I’m pretty sure I’ll never read the Twilight series. But The Hunger Games is in a class by itself. Satire, Pulp, and Science Fiction all in one “young adult” novel. It’s like reading a book version of the Japanese film Battle Royal, but with a world of backstory.

I’ve been watching The Walking Dead and now I’m having zombie apocalypse dreams. Again. Thanks, AMC.

I was just at the LA ZOO and I’ve never seen a zoo under constant construction more than the LA Zoo. It’s taking them over TWO years to build a freaking Reptile House. It’s just walls, cages, and lizards. Get on it!

This concludes our random blog post. Our irregular schedule will resume shortly.

My Two Worlds Collide

2010-11-03T16:24:00.000-07:00

I recently went on the road and did a few great shows in Indiana at the Comedy Attic. It was a blast. Here’s how I knew I was in Indiana: There were TWO bibles in the hotel room drawer. One from the Mormons, and one from the Gideons. The funny thing was they were on opposite ends of the drawer, like they weren’t allowed to touch. Or there would be a Godsplosion.

Usually when I go in the road it (is rare, a break, I get some adult time and can talk about things other than Wow Wow Wubbzy, and I get to sleep in). Most of these things didn’t happen this time, and it was a very interesting trip.

First of all, no sleep. The travel schedule was tough with flying into Chicago, so no sleep. And then we did the Bob and Tom radio show the next day, so no sleep again.

But what really caught me off guard was when we got to the club’s green room where we hang out before the show. There was a pack ‘n play in it. The club owners had just had a baby. And he was in the green room. This caught me off guard a bit. My life had always been so compartmentalized. It was the weirdo entertainment side, and the baby/family side. They were never in the same room before.

Now, this little boy was adorable and only eight months old. And I have to say, I’m not a FOOPK (Fan Of Other People’s Kids) so it’s unusual for me to be enamored with another baby. But I was missing my kids a bit so I held him a little.

So as the shows went on over the weekend I would do my set and then sometimes hold the baby if the club owners had to take care of things like work lights and drop checks. So I was actually doing standup and occasional babysitting in the span of about 30 minutes. I even gave the new parents some tips since I had been through it twice now. I was the dude giving sage baby advice in a comedy green room. When did that happen?!

So I got to sleep in ONE morning and then pulled another all-nighter of travel back to LA. Wow, what a trip. The shows were great, the trip was fun, and it was interesting to see my two different worlds collide for the first time. Now let's never let that happen again.

Waiting for Superman

2010-10-12T09:27:00.000-07:00

So I saw Waiting For Superman and it was just as depressing as I thought it would be. Our schools are a mess. Check. We had to pretty much do what a lot of parents must do now, and that is to lottery or permit your way into a better school. That is really just wrong on so many different levels.

Our “home school” is close by and in a beautiful neighborhood surrounded by expensive homes. And I know not one of those kids living in those homes goes to that school because after we toured it, we realized it was a mess. We have neighbors with young kids on either side of us, neither sends their kids to our “home school”.

One thought is, well, if your school is bad, get involved and make it better. Sorry, don’t have time for that and that’s really the principal’s job. Why would I subject my child to a bad school when I can send her to a better one down the road and get involved there, thus making a good school even greater? It takes years to make a school better, even with strong PTA involvement and by that time your child has already paid the price.

The movie focuses a lot on the teachers unions and while their tenure is a problem (It is next to impossible to fire an incompetent teacher) there are many other problems. Lack of funding and all sorts of bureaucracy hinders the evolution of our schools.

And our schools NEED to evolve. They just have to. We have an unemployment crisis in this country and high tech jobs are going unfilled because of a lack of education and training.

So fix it. The solutions seem so simple. Eliminate tenure. Lengthen the school day (no parent would be against that) Increase the funding. Stop having teachers pay for school supplies. Eliminate waste from the top down, not the bottom up as most companies do. Cut administrators and salaries at the top and work your way down to the teachers. Without good teachers, there is no education system.

I’m not trying to get on a high horse here, but this affects everyone, not just people with kids. As the film shows a bad school pours hundreds of uneducated, unmotivated kids back into the community. What are they going to do? What CAN they do? Not work at Oracle, that’s for sure.
Right now we are in a good grade school. But what about middle school? Then it starts all over again… but I’m already exhausted.

Teen Titans NOT a Go

2010-09-30T14:49:00.000-07:00

Only nine days in between posts?! I know, check me out. I’m catching up…

I never thought I’d have to deal with superhero backpack related gender issues in kindergarten, but then again that shows what I know. Bella started kindergarten with a really cool Teen Titans backpack. She loves the show and was really excited about her backpack. No problem.

About a week into school I was picking her up and one of the older boys looks at me picking up her backpack and says “That’s a boy’s backpack” I said no it wasn’t, Teen Titans is cool and anyone can wear it. I go get Bella and she echoed the same thing, since apparently the boys were asking about it and let’s face it, those little jerks were just jealous because it is so cool.

So I told Bella that two of the Teen Titans are girls and they were on the backpack too. She said they weren’t. I took another look. She was right. Sure enough, Starfire and Raven were not on the backpack. Huh. Ok, maybe the backpack did skew a bit male, but that didn’t matter. She liked it, it was cool, and that was all that mattered.

But sadly, the damage was done. She immediately wanted a “girls” backpack. And not Supergirl, but Hello Kitty. She was going full on girly girl. (sigh) If that’s what she wanted, fine.

So we went to the mall and went to the overpriced Sanrio store and got Bella a Hello Kitty backpack. That store is SO annoying. It’s so filled with cute laced consumerism I found I was grinding my teeth unexpectedly. Then I saw my wife was buying a Hello Kitty iPhone case while we were there. Something really hypnotic about those colorful simple line drawings, I suppose. Personally, I find it creepy but that’s just me.

The problem is, even with buying her a backpack, you know when kids are in that “I’m not going to behave right now even if you buy me a pony” mode? Both kids were in it. In the Hello Kitty store. I wanted to hang myself with pink Hello Kitty taffy.

So we finally got out of the store and here is the kicker—We’re walking to the escalator and this guy comes up to me and asks “Would you and your family like to appear on Supernanny?” WTF?! I didn’t think they were being THAT bad. I mean the store was still standing, unfortunately. I politely said “No thank you” Considering the fact that I have written a parenting book I’m pretty sure going on Supernanny would be the worst possible publicity.

But after I thought about it, it was just a PA or intern that approached me, no more than 23 years old whose job was to just approach families whose kids were being loud. Let’s face it, if you kids are really out of control, the last place you’re going to bring them is the mall. It would just cost you too much in damages. He looks pretty frustrated. And bored. I’m sure he’ll have to go back to his producer and tell him that his mall idea was a bust, get yelled at and then go have to score some blow for him. That’s how television works.

So Bella got her backpack and she was happy. She eagerly transferred her school stuff to the new one and gave her old one to her brother. Both kids snapped out of their bad behavior mood. So mission accomplished, even without the help of an exploitative reality show.

First Week of School

2010-09-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

Well, we got through it. As I had posted about before, it was a huge undertaking to get our daughter into a good public school. The one we were zoned for sucks, and we had to do the old razzle dazzle and permit her into a better one. An advance studies permit. For kindergarten. Hey, whatever works. I can’t wait to see that new documentary Waiting for Superman, because I think I’m really going to be able to relate to it. And I really like Superman.

So Bella was all excited the first day, and as expected, it was chaotic. Where to go, what to do, meet the teacher, find the classroom, have someone give you the wrong information, etc. It brought me back to my school days.

The weird thing was, I was a little nervous as so was my wife. It was like it was OUR first day of school. It’s true what they say about reliving your childhood through your kids. Although I haven’t gotten an Indian burn in a while, so that’s good.

School is different and it is also the same. Teachers, classes, etc that’s the same. But with budget cuts, everything is now extra. If you’re in a good school the PTA steps up to accommodate for the shortfall, as it should be. So we gotta pay a little bit more to the PTA to keep everything going, but it’s WAY cheaper than private school!

So after the orientation the first really day of school arrived… And Bella had a 101 fever and was coughing up a lung. Not a good start. Now we had to immediately look into all of the paperwork to find out how to excuse a sick day, on her first day of school ever. We were all pretty upset about it, but what are you gonna do. Someday we’ll look back on it and laugh. OK, more of an eye roll, but whatever.

So the second day was now her first day and I was walking her into class every day because there is no supervision before the bell rings. Great. And her backpack was too heavy. She couldn’t lift it. So I took out the gallon over emergency water and the inflatable raft from her backpack (we wanted her to be prepared) and she seemed to manage it OK.

But the important thing is she seems to like it and we signed her up for some after school programs as well. Homework is a new concept to her, but I think she’s catch on and stop saying “I don’t have to do this”. We’ll see. Her journey is starting, and it is exciting. We are so happy that we got her into a good school. For free. Now we have five more years before we have to worry about middle school…

Mummies! Part 2

2010-09-01T10:50:00.000-07:00

Alright, I ALMOST was able to keep to a week. Thanks to everyone and your e-mails and comments. You guys truly flatter me.

So we started the “long walk” up to the mummies. There were pictures and some displays leading up so I pointed again to a picture of a mummy head.

“Are you sure that’s not too scary?”
“No.” was the quick reply from my five year old archeologist/monster hunter.

So it was showtime. We went in to see the mummies. First there was one of those audio wands you could listen too. I thought Bella would like that so I offered to get her one. “Five dollars more” said the girl behind the counter. Err, no thanks. I’ll do the narration.

So we started going through a dark makeshift corridor to look at the mummies. I was getting nervous again. But first, there were animal mummies. Monkeys and dogs. Creepy. Didn’t faze Bella in the slightest. She wanted to see the “big” mummies.

So we started to see the mummies, and Bella was just fascinated. She was staring at their mummified heads and wanted a closer look at an Egyptian sarcophagus so I held her up. "Whoahhh" she exclaimed. Very cute.

She was taking it all in and then saw another mummy. She was looking at its head, and then I noticed something. Well, let’s just say something else was also preserved. The last thing I want my daughter to look at was big shriveled mummy cock. Well, maybe it’s not the last thing, but it’s pretty high up there. I quickly ushered her away from that one before she could get the full picture and thankfully, all other mummies were “covered up” and “decent”.

We say a European mummy family, and other mummies from around the world. I was trying to usher Bella through the exhibit quickly, just because I was so nervous, but she wanted to see everything and was really enjoying it. It not only wasn’t frightening her, it wasn’t even fazing her at all. She was actually enjoying it. Maybe a little too much. I had flashes of lots of black clothes, My Chemical Romance CDs, and Neil Gaiman books in her future. Which is my present, of course. Good. I won’t have to buy anything.

We finished the exhibit and Bella was satisfied and I breathed a sigh of relief. She was fine. In fact, she really enjoyed it. Now we could both relax and go look at the ecosystems. We started with the desert, because I like lizards. And it was my turn to pick.

We had a great father daughter day at the museum. Turns out I was worried for no reason. For once. I also knew that my little girl was growing up strong, curious, and willful already. Two out of three ain’t bad.

I realized something on that trip. I’m pretty sure when I was five the mummies would have freaked me out a bit. I think kids have less fear today than before. Maybe it’s because of media saturation, I don’t know, but ultimately I think that is a good thing. Not the media saturation, the less fear part. While every child is different and can ultimately handle different things, I’m going to give my daughter a little more credit from now on.

Mummies! Part 1

2010-08-21T13:45:00.000-07:00

The less frequently I update the more blog followers I get. Are you guys trying to tell me something?

So the California Science Center had a new exhibit on mummies. I saw the sign and mentioned it when I was driving. Our five year old daughter, Bella got instantly excited.
“I want to see the mummies,” she said.
“Really?”
“Yes. Are they real?”
“Yes, they are real. But they don’t walk around”
“I thought you said they were real.”

It occurred to me she was thinking of a Scooby Doo episode.

“They are real, but they don’t walk around,” I explained.
“Are they dead?”
“er… yes. They’ve been dead for a very long time. Like the dinosaurs.”
“Did the mummies used to ride the dinosaurs?”
“… Yes. The mummies used to ride the dinosaurs.”

Let her teachers sort that one out.

So we went to the California Science Center, which is “free.” Yes, “free” means you pay for parking, Imax movies and any other big exhibit you want to see like, I don’t know, say, MUMMIES. Way to nickel and dime me, California Science.

So we went in and her eyes immediately lit up. She saw a sign for the mummies. “Is that what they look like?”
“Yes. Too scary?”
“No.”

I went to get us tickets and that’s when I saw the warnings. Mummy exhibit may be too intense for children, talk to your child before you take her to the exhibit, you’re a horrible parent, and no refunds, etc.

Great. Now I was getting worried. Would it be too much for her? But she was so excited. She’s be crushed and I would have to hear about it on the long traffic laden ride home.

But I was genuinely concerned. I kind of pride myself on making sure our children only see age appropriate material in the movies, on television or in books. I didn’t want to upset her.

So I started asking some of the employees more questions and didn’t really get any good answers. Half of them were volunteers and hadn’t seen the exhibit and the others weren’t really sure what “too intense” meant. So it was on me. And to be honest, as a parent, it should be. But I was in a situation where I wasn’t able to preview the material before making a decision so it was tough. To make matters worse, Bella was getting angry that I was asking so many people about how intense the mummies exhibit was. She knew if I got the wrong answer she wouldn’t get to go. She was right. But I really didn’t get any answer at all.

But before I had to make my mummy decision we went to the Imax Hubble movie narrated by Leonardo DiCaprio. You know what? It was really good. Great 3D and an interesting movie. Bella liked it too. Maybe she would forget all about the mummies. Yeah, right.

So then it was game time. She wanted to see the mummies next and was not going to take no for an answer. Curse you, Scooby Doo.

(The conclusion of Mummies! The Musical will be within a week, I promise)

I'm in Las Vegas with the Robots

2010-07-30T16:15:00.000-07:00

OK, so my posting has been a bit sporadic, to be generous. I really do enjoy blogging but the truth is I’ve been really…unavailable over the last few months and I don’t see it getting any better until September when I can resume a regular schedule. You mean the same September when the kids go to school? I’m sure that’s just a coincidence…

In fact the reason I’m writing this now is because I picked up some last minute work in Las Vegas so I’m typing this from the seclusion of my hotel room. I’m catching up on reading, blogging, e-mails, work, and most importantly, sleep. Yes, I’ve said it before, I’m the only one who goes to Las Vegas to get some sleep.

I love coming to Vegas a few times a year. I actually recharge here, as weird as that sounds. I don’t really gamble (not because I’m against it, but because I’m not very good at it) so I sleep, eat, work, and exercise. By the way, if you ever want to get away from the crowds in Vegas, go to the hotel gym. It’s like a ghost town.

As I walked the casino floor I saw something new. It was a big virtual blackjack machine. Instead of playing against a dealer, the players sat at a table and played against a giant screen. An image of a blackjack dealer gives you a fake smile and deals images of cards. So players were watching a digitized version of a vapid, breast implanted model pretending to deal blackjack. It didn’t even look like a novelty. It looked like I had stepped onto the set of Blade Runner.

OK, so I’ll go to the piano bar. That will be cool, right? Watch some actual musicians tickle the ivories and banter back and forth. Great. After a few minutes of listening I noticed that it just didn’t sound… right. I took a closer look at the pianos. And it turned out, they weren’t pianos. They were piano “shells” with electronic keyboards inside them where the piano keys should have been. REALLY? You’ve now screwed with the piano bar?! Sacrilege.

I went into the café. It sued to be in Vegas you could go in, order whatever you wanted anytime you wanted. French Toast at 5:00 pm? No problem. This time I went in at around 11:00 am and there were two options for breakfast. A ham and cheese Omelet or 2 eggs “any style” which usually means scrambled. I kept turning the menu over to see if I had missed something. I wanted to see what I could work out when the 80 year old waitress finally came over.

“Could I get a cheese omelet?”
“The ham and cheese omelet?”
“No, I just want a cheese omelet”
(pause)”OK, but I have to charge your for the ham and cheese omelet”
“Alright. Can I get fruit instead of hash browns?”
“That’s another three dollars”
(sigh)
“what’s that you’re drinking?”
“Uhm, water?”
(angry glare) “OK”

So I ate my breakfast under the watchful eye of the angry octogenarian bean counter. Was I eating too slow? Hmmm...

That’s when it hit me. I realized we weren’t customers anymore. We were dollar signs, or worse, bank account numbers. Granted, I was working so I wasn’t really a customer but I still needed to use the hotel services.

There used to be a time in Las Vegas where food and hotels were cheap and customer service was important and you could get French toast whenever you wanted. The casinos didn’t care. They were making their money at the tables. But once the big corporations took over, they wanted every penny you had, and didn’t care where they got it from, whether it was at a table or in an overpriced café. But on the other side of it was the notion that the corporations were trying to do everything faster and cheaper. (It used to be BETTER, faster, and cheaper, but better became too expensive)

After seeing virtual blackjack dealers and fake pianos I realized the bigger dystopian picture. Big corporations were slowly replacing us with machines and also treating us like them. It is not a good feeling. The truth is, only two or three companies now own all the casinos on the Vegas strip. So what do they care? If you go to another casino because you got poor service at one, the same company still gets your money.

In distancing us from our money by any means necessary, we were also being distanced from each other as humans. We are becoming detached from each other, and that’s not a good thing. At all. So hug your children, hug your spouse, hell, hug your friends, and enjoy that human connection the way it’s supposed to be enjoyed, before the future corporate robot overlords take it all away from us, dollar by dollar. Scarily, with our consent as we stare down at our iPhones.

Sleep Deprivation and Hot Tub Time Machine

2010-07-12T19:35:00.000-07:00

I used to think the hardest thing was having an infant due to the fact that they don’t sleep. Actually, infants do sleep. Not necessarily at night, but they do sleep. No, as we’ve discovered, it’s much harder to have a toddler who has decided that sleep just isn’t for him. Like when he was an infant he said, ”Yeah, that whole sleep thing? Tried it. Done with that. Now please change me.”

It started about a year ago. He’s two now. It’s been one long year. Uhm, toddlers are supposed to sleep like… toddlers, right? Not overworked morning DJs. Our toddler sleeps only 7-8 hours a NIGHT and then MAYBE takes a 1-2 hour nap during the day. So add with trying to get the million things done after the kids are asleep, my wife and I have been getting roughly 4-6 hours of sleep a night for a year. At least I think it’s been a year. It feels much longer. In other words, he just doesn’t like sleeping so he doesn’t do it. He doesn’t fall back asleep on the couch or in our bed, he’s just UP. We even tried giving him less coffee, but nothing seems to work.

We are hoping it’s a phase. A horrible, sleepless phase where I’ve been so tired that a few times I actually forgot where I was and tried to burp the cat and asked my five year old to help me with our taxes. She found some extra deductions that we had overlooked, so that actually worked out.

We’re HOPING that now that he’s two and is starting preschool his sleeping will normalize or at least he’ll sleep past 5:00 am after going to bed after 9:00 pm.

Lack of sleep is a killer. I feel awful, I’m more cranky and irritable and I have less patience. Of course, that may just be because I am a misanthrope but why split hairs. When I actually get a good night sleep I actually feel a little worse, because I think my body goes “Oh, is it over? I was in sleep mode. And I need another three days in bed. Wait? We’re getting up now? Seriously? Why, do you have a final?”

But even in our sleep deprived state, my wife and I occasionally find 20 minute increments to spend time relaxing together. My wife and I just watched Hot Tub Time Machine. (not all at once, of course) I really loved this movie. My wife liked it too. It was really funny but it also made me feel a little maudlin. I remembered the music, my days in high school, and the horrible fashions. It just made me feel both good and sad at the same time. I suppose that’s how the word “nostalgia” was created. It was great seeing John Cusack playing... an older John Cusack and there were some nice references to his older movies in there.

I look at my kids and my life and the conclusion is inevitable: Like moves on. And no hot tub can stop it. But man, we try, don’t we guys? It’s not all 16 year olds buying comic books, is it? What’s in your Hot Tub? Mine has a Playstation 3 and the original Star Trek series on DVD along with a Batman action figure and one of the Transformer Dinobots. Grimlock, of course.

So it’s been a weird year of sleep deprivation and trying to stop time. A few more weeks of not sleeping I may actually believe I can do it. All I need is some tinfoil and a hat… And then I’ll show the world that this whole linear time thing is bullshit. Now if those purple gnomes would just stop jumping up and down on my bed singing a Tears for Fears medley. It’s distracting.

Screw Job from the Car Dealer

2010-07-05T13:36:00.000-07:00

I have a Volkswagen Passat. I love the way it drives but it isn’t too reliable and always needs something done, great or small. Electical stuff, 2 batteries in 2 years, transmission, FOUR headlights, etc. When it was under warranty then it was just annoying. But once you have to start paying, that’s a whole ‘nother grifting animal.

There’s been like four or five recalls on it too. At first I thought OK, recalls are for safety. Now, I’m not so sure. I think recalls are a way to get you into the dealer so you’ll pay their crazy prices for other work while you’re there.

I was one recall behind and I needed some scheduled maintenance along with some weird stuff like a new antennae and floor mat clips (whatever). So what the hell, I scheduled an appointment knowing I’d pay a little bit more.

I got my maintenance work done to an expensive price but I was willing to take the hit because I needed all that other stuff done. OK, fair enough, I knew the game. Then, they tried to screw me. Hard. They told me I needed all this other work done from engine mounts to some undercarriage “cleanout”.

“Really?”

“Yes. But we don’t have the parts for any of this work”

“Wait, you don’t have any parts?! Don’t you sell these cars? If I did need parts, wouldn’t this be the place that would actually have them?!”

“We can get them next week. And it will be $2500 for everything. In addition to the $600 we just charged you, of course.”

(pause)

“Do you think I’m stupid?”

“Well, we weren’t sure. I mean you DID take your care to the dealer.”

“That was because of the recall and I thought I could save some time-- Never mind. I’m starting to think you may be right.”

In my head, I toId them to suck it and went to my mechanic that we had been going to for years. I gave my mechanic (Community Auto in Hollywood off Melrose) the list from the dealer. They called me back a few hours later. Only two of the repairs needed to be done and the total would be under $500. Less than 25% of the dealer estimate. O Frabjous Day! Callooh, Callay! My credit card company wasn’t happy but I breathed a sigh of relief. So yes, they tried to really screw me.

It’s hard to find a good mechanic. One whom you trust. When you do, and chances are they will be independently owned and operated, support them whenever you can. It will be good for the both of you. And your wallet.

The weird thing is if the VW dealer wasn’t so incompetent I may have been fooled into at least getting one or two of those expensive repairs done if they had the parts in stock.

I’m not buying another VW ever again. Call me crazy, but I like a car that I can rely on and not have to outsmart con artists every time there is a recall.

The End of My Speeding Ticket Saga

2010-06-27T14:31:00.000-07:00

OK, maybe SAGA is a bit of a stretch, but it has concluded. To catch you up, here are the previous two posts regarding this affair.

http://www.daddyneedssomealonetime.com/2009/11/pulled-over-going-40-miles-per-hour.html

http://www.daddyneedssomealonetime.com/2010/02/people-vs-chris-mancini.html

I now bring you the conclusion. I had my court date set. I was ready to go. I have my photos of the intersection all ready, I knew what I was going to say and was ready to try my case. It was so annoying to go through all this, but I was happy it would finally be done and I have to say it was also very interesting to go through the whole process and see all of the tricks the system uses to try and get you to just plead guilty and take your money.

They make it easy to pay, hard to contest. Pay right online! But to schedule a hearing you have to come down to the courthouse, then you have to pay your fine anyway as bail, then come again to the courthouse to try your case. And if you are found guilty, you can’t have traffic school so your insurance will go up too. Best just to pay us and take traffic school. They really just want you to shut up and pay. Well, for better or for worse, I’ve really never been very good at shutting up. And paying, well, let’s see where that goes.

So I arrive at the courthouse. Early, of course. I get travel anxiety so I really have to arrive everywhere a little early or I panic that I’m going to be late. But that’s a whole other blog post.

Everyone else is looking around to see if the cop is going to show up. They schedule these traffic courts in bulk, so all the cops show up in bulk.

I didn’t see my cop. Hey this would be easier than I thought. But as we all started checking in sure enough he showed up. In bulk. (yes, I have just made another fat joke. But folks, he was HUGE.) A fair amount of the cops showed up, but not all of them. If your cop doesn’t show up it’s an instant dismissal. The bailiff gave everyone one last chance to plead guilty if they were hoping the cop wouldn’t show up. Geez, enough. It’s your right. Go through the trial. At this point you have nothing to lose.

So I was ready. I had my pictures of the intersection with no school zone sign and readied what I was going to say. But then, something very unexpected happened.

The cop called my name and I went over to him. This normally doesn’t happen. He looked at me and said “This is going to get dismissed. The signage is messed up.”

“I know, that’s why I’m here,” I replied.

“I didn’t know it at the time. Wait for the judge to call your name” He was going to dismiss the ticket when my name was called.

So my name was called and the cop dismissed the ticket himself. This surprised the judge a bit, but it was soon over. I had won. I went over and thanked the cop. I had to give him a lot of credit. I don’t think every cop would have done that.

We walked out together and he agreed that he didn’t think it was fair. “That’s why they call it justice” he said. What a cool guy. Granted he was walking really slow and I started to get nervous. What if he changes his mind or finds out I called him fat in three blog posts. So I quickly thanked him again, quickened my pace and walked out.

So it was over. I saved a few hundred bucks and an insurance rate hike. Some days, you actually get to win.

It was actually an interesting experience and I’m glad I went through the whole thing. I definitely learned a few things. There are two things they definitely don’t advertise that you should know, if you live in California. Other states may have different rules that they don’t want you to know about either.

1)If you contest and go to your arraignment, the judge can waive the fine as your bail so you don’t have to pay a thing unless you’re found guilty at your trial date. Otherwise you have to wait many weeks to get your “refund” if you win.

2)Even if you lose your trial, the judge can also still you traffic court if he is so inclined so the points won’t go on your license.

So now I pay extra close attention to where the schools are. And the signs. And the cops. And the ice cream trucks. OK, I digress. But they’re the hardest to find, for some reason.

How Can You Not Love Sting?

2010-06-17T10:51:00.000-07:00

Right now I’m just trying to run out the clock. 5 Year old starts school in September and 2 year old starts preschool next month. Whatever will I do with the extra 60 hours a week? Update my blog more frequently for one. Maybe sleep and then look for my sanity, which I seem to have misplaced. I also got a new computer and lost all of my feeds. So now I’ll have to add everyone back in and start visiting again. So if your blog feed readers went down by one, that’s the reason.

I surprised my wife with Sting tickets for her birthday. She was quite pleased. In fact, my brother was in town so I got an extra ticket for him too, since he is also a fan.

Sting was playing at the Hollywood Bowl, which is a fantastic place to see a concert. Outdoors sitting on a mountain. Pretty cool. I got tickets late so let’s just say our seats weren’t great, but it didn’t matter. We had a blast.

Sting sold out the Hollywood Bowl with very little advertising. I tried to imagine what that level of fame would be like. You can’t go anywhere without being recognized And that’s not just in your home town, but all over the world.

Sting put on a great show. He sounded great, was personable, and gave us Laker scores. You could tell he simply loved what he did. It went beyond being a billionaire rock star. He just loved the music and performing for people. And then when he gets tired I’m sure he gets into his airplane made of gold and flies back into his secret luxury island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. Invisible to radar, of course. Sting needs his privacy.

The dude is 58. I remember in middle school studying “rock” in music class and the teacher played “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic”. We watched the video. This was when music videos were just starting. There was a guy dancing on a sound board in a studio. That was crazy! Yes, simpler times.

His old songs made me feel nostalgic but he played a lot of stuff I didn’t recognize, like some song about being a vampire and a few others. Not quite as engaging. But hey, he’s Sting. He can do whatever he wants. He brought an orchestra with him and even acknowledged that one of the cool things he gets to do is revisit his old songs that no one’s ever heard of. Well, probably cooler for him anyway. But all in all it was a fantastic show.

The other thing I like about the Hollywood Bowl is it’s for people who enjoy rock concerts without all the hassles of being a teenager. Starts at around 8:00 pm and you can sit and enjoy the show. Sure, people stood up in the front but where we were people just sat and enjoyed the show. That’s how I like my shows. No standing and you’re allowed to bring picnic baskets. Which at the Hollywood Bowl, you can do. There was a few “woo” “woo”ers behind us but not too bad. Then I turned around and they were all in their 60’s. Good for them.

But there was one real tool sitting next to me who wouldn’t stop looking at his Blackberry every five seconds. This made me annoyed for a number of reasons, first because I couldn’t get a signal on my iPhone. He obviously didn’t want to be there and was just there because his girlfriend dragged him there. Sorry dude. When you want to go see Nickleback or some other shitty band that dumb people like then you can cash in this chip with your girlfriend. Now it was annoying but I kept my mouth shut because he was rather large and muscular. Thankfully I think he thought the bench were too cramped and he and his annoyed girlfriend moved to the back after the intermission.

I don’t go to many concerts anymore and sometimes I miss them. But I don’t miss having a drunk teenager throw up on my Doc Martins. OK, maybe I miss that a little bit. But I love seeing bands and artists I grew up with still touring, and putting on a great show. I remember seeing Jimmy Page and Robert Plant at the Hollywood Bowl a few years ago and overhearing a guy behind me say “My Mom saw Led Zeppelin live and now I’m here with her seeing Page and Plant” And then he threw up on my Doc Martins.

The Evolution of Dad

2010-06-05T14:30:00.000-07:00

Father’s Day is just around the corner. It means something much different when you become a father yourself. I was able to see a new indie film that just came out called The Evolution of Dad. Whenever someone asks me to see or read something I’m always a little skeptical. Especially when it has to do with parenting or fatherhood. The whole reason I wrote my book was because there was nothing for the dude to prepare him for fatherhood that didn’t sound contrived or make you want to hang yourself. Plus, I’ve seen many, many movies and my time has become quite limited due to having two kiddies trying to kill me every day.

But I watched it and I was quite surprised. In a very, very good way. Not only was this an informative, interesting documentary on what could be a very boring subject, but it was also entertaining as well. Funny, heartfelt, and not at all too long. You don’t think that last one is a good point? When you see as many movies as I do, length becomes an item worthy of critique.

I felt a real kinship with filmmaker Dana Glazer and his doc subjects. In fact, we have a mutual friend who used to work at the Sci Fi Channel (when it was still called that. SyFy?! REALLY? ) and that’s how I found out about Dana. Dana was an aspiring Hollywood filmmaker, got punched in the face by the industry and then had children and wondered what he had done wrong with his life and career. And as he learned, the answer is… nothing. Except maybe he could have kissed a little more Hollywood ass, but the truth is no one really knows if that helps or not.

The Evolution of Dad hits the modern fatherhood nail so squarely on the head you don’t even realize what the head is until Dana shows it to you. There’s been a double standard for years. MEN aren’t supposed to take care of their children. MEN are supposed to work and see their kids an hour a night and maybe a little longer on the weekends.

But this isn’t a boring, no point documentary like Babies. Glazer has a point, and he makes it quite eloquently through his subjects. The roles of Dads are changing but they are changing quicker than our ingrained perceptions and cultural beliefs, as outdated as they are. It’s also a well crafted documentary. The tuition money at NYU film school was not wasted.

Glazer doesn’t just interview Dads. He interviews lawyers, activists, psychiatrists, and yes, even moms. He tries to get to the root of what has been going on for years: Why is there a stigma to a man raising a child by choice?!

It is SO difficult for us as modern men in our culture to accept that fact that we can contribute to our families in ways other than financial. We don’t HAVE to work constantly. We don’t HAVE to be obsessed by work. In a weird way, our culture expects us to ignore our children as long as a paycheck is coming in.

If you are a new father, you should see this movie. If you are a veteran father, you should see this movie. Actually, if you are a parent you should see this movie. See how things are changing and how far we still have to go.

But the point is that things are changing. Thank God! And thanks to filmmakers like Dana Glazer for pointing it out.

Dana has also provided a little Father’s Day card. Share it with your father. OK, you may need to play it for him on the computer.

Find out more about Dana Glazer and his film at EvolutionofDad.com

Some Good School News

2010-05-27T13:26:00.000-07:00

Now with Netflix streaming all these old TV shows, I tried to introduce my five year old daughter to Fraggle Rock. She was bored instantly and wanted to watch Voltron instead. That’s my girl. Although, in case you were wondering, Voltron doesn’t really hold up.

So we FINALLY got some good news regarding schools. Our daughter was accepted to another public school, a good one, on an SAS permit. What is that, you ask? Well, let me tell you. It stands for “School of Advanced Studies”. Yes, our daughter got an advanced studies permit… for kindergarten. It’s both awesome and completely ridiculous at the same time. The good thing about our home school being so shitty is that it made us eligible for the permit. Good.

It was a whole circus, but it was worth it. First, she needed an evaluation and signature from her preschool. No problem.

Then the elementary school needed to evaluate her. OK, well, how hard could that be? Can you use the word Draconian for a preschool test? Well, I think you can start now. It was insane. 30 minutes of hard core testing for our little five year old. Write your name, what’s your address, draw a picture, are you a republican or a democrat, etc.

I got a little worried because she was getting a bit intimidated. Hell, I was getting a bit intimidated. There weren’t any pleasantries. This very business-like woman brought us to a room without a “how do you do” and said right to Bella “I’m going to ask you a few questions.” I immediately looked around for the “good cop” to her “bad cop” but there wasn’t one there.

So we got through it. And she did really well. She was in a good preschool and we were working with her on letters and reading. She must have done REALLY well because a few hours later they called my wife at work and told her the permit was accepted and the principal had signed it.
I can’t even tell you what a load off that phone call was. Now we don’t have to worry about moving or trying to afford private school. At least until middle school but that’s like six years away. Huzzah!

We still are waiting to hear back from one other school but that’s it. We got into one of our top three. If we get into two then we’ll figure it out. But to be honest, we don’t think we’re going to have that problem.

We have been working on this school thing since February and my wife has a whole Excel spreadsheet with all the school info that has so much info on it I can’t even decipher it. It looks like plans to the X-1 Rocket Car. Well, if I had to pick…

So now we have our “safety school” that’s only 5 minutes away. My wife talked to her father and he couldn’t get his head around the concept that another grade school could be so close. I understood. When you grow up in the Pennsylvania or New Jersey suburbs, there is like two schools for the entire city. You either went to one or the other or went to a private or catholic school. And had to wear a uniform. Eww.

So now we can sit in the lottery drawings for the other schools’ open enrollment and not treat it like a Powerball drawing. Of course, Los Angeles could just make all the schools good, but that would be crazy.

Someone Remembers Me and American Gladiators

2010-05-23T16:00:00.000-07:00

It's pretty cool when people actually write a blog post about YOU. Here is one about me, American Gladiators, getting run over by a pyramid, and a clip of my standup, which is a bit dated. I need to record a new set.

http://comicfreakshow.blogspot.com/

Now, when you read it you'll be wondering if it's all true or not. Actually, the answer is... yes. Enjoy.

Regular post in a day or two AND I will be resuming actually visiting other blogs. I miss you guys.

The Kindergarten Conundrum

2010-05-12T16:45:00.000-07:00

Lately my wife and I have been going crazy. Our daughter turned five this year and is headed off to kindergarten. The problem is, we have no idea where.

Here in the Los Angeles Unified School District, things are, well, to put it mildly, fucked up. Between budget cuts and failing schools it’s a maze that we really didn’t want to enter.

When we bought this house eight years ago we asked our realtor about schools and he said they were good in this area. Turns out he was partially right. The thing is, before you have kids school is not really a huge concern. It’s not really a concern until you actually have to use one.
We can’t really afford private school and to be honest, I don’t feel I should have to pay for school. What the hell do we pay taxes for if we don’t see any benefits. I want good schools and my trash picked up. My needs are simple. Oh, and I don’t want to get shot. That too.

So we started our school tours and looked into all the tricks of sending your kid to a school you are not zoned for. As it turned out, we are surrounded by good public schools EXCEPT for the one we’re zoned for, which is crap. How’d we win that shitty lottery?

So we toured our “home school” just to be sure. You have to see things for yourself. I mention this in my book and it is important. NEVER go solely on what other people say, good or bad. Go see things for yourself. So we did a private tour to see everything. It amazes me how there is “spin” and salesmanship in everything, even in elementary schools.

So we went with a slightly open mind and began the tour. We asked how many neighborhood kids were going to this school and our tour guide with a smile said it was mostly a neighborhood school with some “open enrollment” where they accept kids from other areas. Bullshit detector went off. I live in this neighborhood as do some of the other people I know and we didn’t recognize any kids from our neighborhood. I also know our neighbor, who is a teacher, made sure her kid went somewhere else. Nice try, tour guide. We started with our questions:

“Is there parent involvement?”
“Yes, but not the way it is at some of the other schools”
“So the answer is really no.”

“Are there any enrichment programs?”
“We have to focus on the basics here, because most of the kids here, for various reasons, don’t have the support at home that other kids have.”
“Well, the fact that we are standing here talking to you right now, means that’s not us.”

Our daughter already knows the basics. She’s been doing great in pre-school and is just starting to read. Obviously she would be bored there.

“Is there an advanced studies program?”
“Well, we’ve decided that’s not really the way we wanted to go as a school.”
“That’s the worst answer you’ve given yet.”

As we were growing less and less impressed, the principal came over to talk to us. Now I hadn’t been in school in a while so I always think of principals as old, proper men or women in cheap suits. This principal came over with a low cut blouse and was fairly young. For a minute I was quite distracted. Her tactic worked! But I recovered. She told us a little bit more about the school and how the neighborhood is coming back to this school. OK, sure, it might, in 5-10 years. Our daughter starts in a few months. Sorry, we can’t wait that long.

Finally, I asked the most obvious question my wife and I had:
“Why hasn’t your website been updated since 2006?”
“We have a parent working on it.”
“For four years?!”

After a little more spin the Principal and her breasts excused themselves and pretended they had somewhere to be.

We left the school, disheartened and talking about our options. I’ll tell you, it really made me wonder what makes one school fail and another succeed when the neighborhoods are so similar. Is it parent involvement? Sure, that’s an important factor. But interestingly, the teachers we talked to put the success or failure of a school solely at the principal’s feet. Like the captain of a ship.

So now it’s a waiting game. We’ve turned in our permit applications, open enrollment/lottery applications, magnet applications and Charter applications.

We’re hoping we get one, which is all we need. Otherwise we’ll have to sell enough blood to afford private school or be forced to move a few blocks down the street.

Book Giveaway

2010-05-08T19:45:00.000-07:00

Hey friends

Just a quick post to let you know The Evolution of Dad is giving away a copy of one of my books. For FREE! Just enter the contest and you just might win.

Here's the link. Enjoy! http://www.evolutionofdad.com/contests

The Legend of Truth

2010-05-03T13:28:00.000-07:00

First, my updating and visiting other blogs has been a bit shoddy lately. Hopefully things will slow down in the next month or so and I will be back to visiting your place on a regular basis. Of course, sleeping would be nice too but apparently our almost two year old has other plans for that.

Legends are great. They reflect on us and our natures better than any psychiatrist ever could. This is one of my favorite short legends. And in the spirit of storytelling tradition, I have added my own details and embellishments. Enjoy.

There once was a Man who by all intents and purposes was doing pretty well. CEO of a Fortune 500 Company, a hot wife who also loved him, and children who were more or less well adjusted. He wasn’t the most honest Man in the world but he never did anything too horrible either. He was just very successful, flawed, and happy. He just was.

But through all his success, there was something missing. There was always something missing. Finally, the Man figured out what it was. It was Truth. He had never found it, and realized he was never looking in the right place.

So the Man brought his family out by the pool in their nice but modest mansion, and made his announcement. “I’ve decided I’m going to leave and find Truth. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone.”

Well, the kids had their college funds taken care of, so no problem there. And his wife, always supportive, said if this is what he really wants to do then he should do it.

So the Man left his company, his wife, his money, and his power. He searched for Truth all over the world. He searched high and low and only heard fragments and rumors of where she lived.

Finally, after years of searching, he found her. The Man found Truth living high on a secluded mountain top in a dirty and humble cave. She was old and ugly, a hunchbacked and hairy crone. The Man was surprised at her repugnant and wild appearance, but knew from one glance into her eyes that he had found Truth.

“Are you Truth?” asked the Man.

“You know that I am,” replied the wrinkled old hag.

“Will you teach me?” he asked.

The hag agreed. She taught him all there was to know about truth. She taught him the way of truth, the nature of truth, and she showed him the very soul of Truth. The Man eagerly learned and devoured every lesson.

Years when by and eventually the Man realized there was nothing more he could learn from Truth. He decided to return to everything he had left behind, but much more the wiser for it.

So the Man prepared to go back into the world with joy in his heart at having found and finally understanding Truth. He was filled with gratitude. He asked Truth if there was anything he could do to repay her. Anything at all. Money. Power. Cars. Heck, even a helicopter to take her to and from the mountain if she wished. All she had to do was ask.

“Well, there is one thing”, said Truth.

“Name it,” said the Man.

“When you tell people about me,” said Truth, “Tell them I’m young and beautiful.”

And that’s everything you need to know about human nature.

Dateline Vegas: Comedy, Sleep, and Burlesque Ninjas

2010-04-23T16:47:00.000-07:00

So I’m mostly through my week in Vegas already. I feel great. I really do. Yesterday I took a four hour nap. I didn’t want to, I just laid down for a moment and forgot to fight how exhausted I am all the time.

It’s been rough with the kids lately, especially since one has decided that sleeping really isn’t for him. We’re just trying to get through until September when they both start school. Or maybe we’ll find them jobs to tire them out, I don’t know.

So when the Improv offered me a week in Vegas I jumped at the chance. At this point, to sleep late five days in a row I would have paid them. Please don’t tell them I said that.

I drove here Tuesday, did my shows and promptly collapsed into my bed until around 5:30 am the next morning. I then MADE myself go back to sleep. No way I was getting up yet. So I did go back to sleep. Then I slept so much I had trouble getting up. Luckily the phone rang and that roused me out of my sleep coma.

But I felt better within 24 hours and I realized that there was an obvious reason my wife and I were feeling not so great all the time. We simply were not getting two things we need, especially when we get a little… more mature. Sleep and Exercise. I haven’t been eating that great since I’ve been here. This whole city is deep fried so you really have to go out of your way to find something healthy. But it didn’t matter. Two days of sleeping and exercise and it made a difference. I felt... human again. By the way, if you ever want to get away from the crowds in Las Vegas, just go to your hotel’s gym. No one will bother you there.

Then the fun began. Always an adventure here in Vegas. I went to a live presentation of a show trying to be sold. All the hotel executives were invited and if felt very… hollywoody and not in a good way. So the show premise was… burlesque ninjas. Yes. And yes, if there was a show in Vegas I would indeed be interested in seeing, it would be this one. That’s what’s really missing from Vegas. Why hasn’t anyone brought these two great things together before? Blue Man Group? No ninjas. Celine Dion? No swords. Cirque Du Soleil? Too many clowns.

So the show started in a stage that was much too small for the show. I really thought the burlesque ninjas were going to accidently stab each other with their swords they were so close. But, I have to say, these burlesque ninjas were quite professional. No Kill Bill style accidents occurred.

It wasn’t a full show so they went right to the finale. A husband and wife team did tricks with crossbows. Their names are Mr. and Mrs. G and they’ve been on Conan O’ Brien. Shooting through a playing card the other was holding, etc. Once they dude even turned around and shot at his wife using a mirror. It was amazing.

Then they pointed the crossbows at each other and did their finale which was to shoot slightly above the other’s head. I have to say I cringed. No matter how good my wife’s eyesight is, I pretty sure I wouldn’t let her point a crossbow at me. Granted, we never had that specific discussion, but I’m pretty sure I’d stick to my guns on that one. No honey, we’re not playing William Tell tonight.

So Vegas is still Vegas. It’s always fun for a few days. Of course I’m here for a week so by day six you’re pretty much ready to get the hell out of there. But I am enjoying myself and my quiet time. Yes, my quiet time in Las Vegas with the comedians, gamblers, and a crossbow wielding married couple. Good, quiet times. But most of my time has been in the hotel room. I’m the only one who comes to Vegas to get some sleep.

The People That You Meet When You're Walking Down the Street...

2010-04-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

The People that you meet each day. Well, living in LA it’s always an adventure on who or even what you’re going to see on a daily basis. Sometimes you think “Well, that can’t be real” and then it goes and pulls it’s Prius into the Trader Joe’s parking lot. Here are a few of the things I’ve observed. At least I think I have. Sometimes the brain can’t quite process what you’re looking at.

I shop at Whole Foods a lot, because we like being poor but well fed. That’s kind of ground zero for hippies, stars and weirdos. Of course the fact that I’m there a lot doesn’t mean anything. It’s all the OTHER people who are weird.

Occasionally I see comedian Charles Fleischer there. He was the voice of Roger Rabbit and was on Welcome Back, Kotter. I’ve opened for him on the road a few times. He’s a really nice guy and when I run into him he entertains my kids for a few minutes with cartoon voices which is frankly, really helpful.

One day I saw the girl from Scrubs there, and then I saw an African Witch Doctor get out of a jeep and walk towards the Whole Foods. I’m not even kidding. I’m HOPING it was someone who just came from a movie or TV set. Otherwise, again, brain can’t process. It was the whole nine yards too. This guy had a cloak, no shoes, lots of bracelets around his ankles and various piercings on his face. He was driving, so he didn’t fear technology. Although I can’t imagine teaching an on the road driving school and having him next to you and trying to explain parallel parking in a click language. I would have loved to have gotten that whole story but sometimes I think it’s best that you don’t know.

I saw Eric Idle (one of my heroes from Monty Python) at a small comedy show in Hollywood as an unannounced guest performer. I didn’t get to meet him, unfortunately.

I saw Scott Baio at a different supermarket before his resurgence as a reality show star.
When I was hiking with my five year old last weekend a guy was hiking the other way with a parrot on his shoulder. Need attention, much, Johnnie Needy?

Audge and I were having dinner and as we were walking out of the restaurant two guys drove by in a Rocket Car. That’s right, a rocket car. It was a car in the shape of a rocket. Audge and I just burst out laughing. How often do you get to see a rocket car?

Months later, I saw a boat car drive by. Yes, it was a car in the shape of a boat and I could have SWORN it was the same guy driving. Like the dude was freaking building crazy cars in his garage and driving them around. But then again, if you COULD build a rocket car in your garage, why wouldn’t you?

I suppose it’s one of those things that keeps LA exciting, like the traffic, smog, earthquakes and slim chances of finding employment. I can’t really say that I LOVE LA, but I do like Southern California and anyplace that I can occasionally see a rocket car is OK with me.

Random Stuff and Guest Blogging

2010-04-10T13:37:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone.

I have been busy over at honestbaby.com Here's my article on MY LIFE WITH VIDEO GAMES.

http://www.honestbaby.com/my-life-with-video-games/

Also, they did a very nice review of my book:

http://www.honestbaby.com/book_for_new_dads_pacify-me/

Also, I finished DRAGON AGE on the PS3. It was a pretty amazing game, I have to say. It was a cool mix of retro Dungeons and Dragons with a hard edged, morally ambiguous story. Like you're an adult but really it's your inner teenager playing in the basement listening to Def Leppard while reading the Dungeon Master's Guide before your other lonely friends come over for a gaming session. Anyway, Dragon Age has sex, violence, betrayal, and dragon slaying! And that's just some of the stuff you can do...

Me:"Are you still taking the kids to Costco?"
Wife:"Yes, why did you need anything?"
Me:"Yes, I need you to take the kids to Costco"

I love my iphone, but I don't see the point of the iPad. I really don't. It does less for more! The whole point of technology is to replace and combine stuff. I don't need something extra. Of course, when the REAL one comes out six to eight months from now we'll see...

Still really enjoying the fact that I didn't need surgery again. Thank you to everyone who e-mailed and posted comments. It really made my day.

This bears repeating: To truly appreciate Death Cab for Cutie you have to hate them first and then let them slowly win you over.

I am still really enjoying LOST, even though it often makes no sense. I think that's a compliment.

Not sure what's going on with movies right now: Hot Tub Time Machine, How to Train Your Dragon, and Ghost Writer were all GOOD. Food Inc is a MUST SEE on DVD. Spoiler alert: Corn is in everything.

21 month old slept until 5:00 am which was unusual. We're having trouble with our sleepless toddler. Anyone have any advice for us with a toddler who only sleeps 7-8 hours a night and is not tired? Of course, he's not tired but it's killing us... We're going through the suggested list of remedies and we're about ready to add a few of our own involving ether. Anyone experience this and how did you solve it? Is it even solvable? Maybe our robobaby just doesn't need sleep...

Unexpected Ear Surgery, Part III (conclusion)

2010-04-01T12:14:00.000-07:00

I should be at the hospital getting my ear surgery about now. But I’m not. I’m sitting here at home typing this post. No, I didn’t chicken out. I received the medical equivalent of “Bank Error in Your Favor” and I did indeed jump back and almost lost my top hat.

The doctor called me and said he had finally heard back from the lead pathologist and melanoma expert at UCLA. This opinion apparently trumped the opinions of the regular pathologist and a dermatologist. I’m not really sure what the doctor pecking order is, and I don’t care. But I think they use some type of Rock/Paper/Scissors system. I’m just happy not to have to be put under and have a knife stuck in my ear again.

The lead pathologist thought the surgery was unnecessary at this time and thought careful clinical follow up will suffice for now. The growth was benign and didn’t even show signs of melanoma, so there was nothing to be concerned about at this time. Woo-hoo!

I felt my whole body relax. Wow. No more of Michael Jackson’s favorite anesthesia. No more of the doctors and nurses mentioning that it was his favorite. No skin graft. No tube in my ear for a week. But no getting out of childcare for a few days. Oh well, it’s a fair exchange.

The call came right after my wife had rearranged her entire work schedule around my surgery and recovery. She then proceeded to call everyone back. I’m not sure if her boss thought she made the whole thing up or not, but that’s her problem.

So I have to go to the ear doctor every three months to be monitored. No problem.

Truth be told, I’m not really sure what freaked me out more. The anesthesia was something I was a bit frightened and anxious about. Visions of everything from complications and alien abductions to the ending of The Sixth Sense all had me quite uneasy.

But was that really it? Probably not. The real uneasiness was feeling my sense of mortality. I’ve felt it before, and I don’t like it. It sobers you, makes you think and makes you realize your time on this planet is finite. It’s like getting a reminder card from the Grim Reaper.

But come on, only old people have surgeries. They’re not for people like us, right? People who use the internet don’t have surgeries. We’re too young, hip, and on the cutting edge… I have an iPhone! But after the denial wore off I just wanted it over with. Again. For the third time. Luckily there was no third time. I can now go back to my regularly scheduled blissful, ignorant denial of my mortal coil. Who’s with me?

Unexpected Ear Surgery Part II

2010-03-24T13:17:00.000-07:00

This I had to share. I was walking with our 20 month old and a guy drives up to me and says “Have you seen a little dog running around, looks like a fox?”
“No. What’s it’s name?”
“Foxy”
“I’ll keep an eye out. And you are the most uncreative person in the world.”

So I go in the next day for my ear surgery to remove some tissue with some atypical cells in it. I am very nervous, more about the anesthesia than anything else. After a brief wait in the lobby they called me back and my adventure began.

The first thing you always have to do is “get changed”. Is there anything in the new Obama healthcare package about replacing hospital gowns that cover nothing and are impossible to tie? It’s 2010 people. Let’s advance hospital gown technology, shall we? So while they are working on my ear and I still had to strip and put a gown on. Great.

They gave me a warm towel which was interesting and I sat and waited for the event. The doctor came in and talked to me and told me what he was going to do, again. Cut out the growth in a 2 mm margin down my ear canal. Got it. Then he told me I may need a skin graft but he’ll see how it goes. Wait, what?!

Then the anasthesologist came in and told me that it was safe and there was another Michael Jackson reference. OK, I got it. He used it at home without supervision. I’m assuming there is going to be a bit more supervision here at the hospital than at Neverland Ranch, right?
I have to admit, I was really nervous. I didn’t want to be put under and I have a fear of… all sorts of things. But the doctors did their best to reassure me and I did feel better.

Then it was showtime and I was shown to my warm bed surrounded by machines and tools. They plugged me into the happy juice and made me keep talking.
“Feel it yet?”
“No”
“Wow, you’re a tough one. Think about somewhere you want to go on vacation. Seriously.”

I talked about New Zealand and soon enough I was out. It occurred to me as I was going under that with two children, this is probably the only way I’m going to get any uninterrupted sleep. So maybe I should relax and enjoy it a little bit. But it’s a dreamless sleep. You get put under and you wake up as if no time has passed.

When I woke up I was so nauseous that I forgot to be joyful that I was indeed awake. So I got to throw up and get a nice shot in the leg for nausea. But hey, it worked. I felt better. Then my wife came back and while I was happy to be awake, I kinda wanted to go back to sleep. After effects of the drugs.

So I went home with my ear completely blocked up and was uncomfortable and disoriented for about another day. Then I was just uncomfortable, then just annoyed, which is what I am all the time anyway so I was almost back to normal.

I went back to the doctor a few days later to get all the bandages and the tube out of my ear. That’s when he said,” I have mostly good news for you” said the doctor. I didn’t like the sound of that. Well, I liked the sound of half of it. Turns out everything was benign which is awesome, but the bad news is that it looks like they didn’t get it all. I have to go back in and do it again. Next week. They are going to take more tissue out and it will be a longer recovery. Great. The worst part is that I was just thinking “wow, I won’t have to have anastesia again for a while.” Apparently a while was about two and a half weeks. Meh.

Unexpected Ear Surgery Part 1

2010-03-19T13:54:00.000-07:00

The last thing you want to have to hear are the words “unexpected” and “surgery” in any sentence. I’ve been a bit sick lately, from my two children trying to kill me slowly with cold germs, but then things got a bit more dramatic. This has all of course affected my computer time and I realize I’m a bit more obsessed than normal. “The internet misses me!” Yes, indeed. It misses all of us.

So I go to the ear doctor once a year because I have a ridiculous problem of overproducing ear wax in my right ear which them blocks up to the point where I lose hearing in that ear. But this time I went in and the doctor found something extra. A “growth”. And no idea what it was. Wart? Mole? Cyst? Alien spore? He suggested we snip it off in the office and I setup another appointment to do so.

So I went back and they numbed the area, or so I thought and snipped it off. All this is taking place inside my ear canal through a microscope. Now I couldn’t feel it, but I sure could hear it. Not pleasant.

“We’re just going to cauterize it now.” Wait, what?! Great, now not only could I hear the sizzle, I smelled smoke as well. AND some of the numbness went away. “We call that a hotspot” said the doctor after he saw me wince. But now it was out of me and off to the lab.

I go back for a follow-up and that’s when it gets weird. “We needed to get a second opinion. It appears benign, but it’s a growth that shouldn’t be there. We’re recommending we get the rest of it out. I do surgeries on Fridays. I’ll have to put you under.”

Whaaat?! I need surgery?! AND I’m going to be put under?! I haven’t had anesthesia since I got my tonsils out as a child, or since I saw Avatar in 3-D. Honestly, I was more than a little nervous about it. I just remember counting backwards into a big black gas balloon and waking up with my throat sore. At least then I got ice cream. Not sure what the policy is now.

The doctor reassured me that it anesthesia was much safer now than it has ever been. I’ll be getting the same drug as Michael Jackson. And that’s supposed to make me feel BETTER?! The doctor then went on to explain that it’s a great drug when used under supervision at a hospital. Oh, you mean not at home recreationally? It then occurred to me a lot of people must be asking that question now. The poor drug company. Nothing like the most famous person in the world dying from your drug to give you a little bad PR. Then I thought, on the other hand, if Michael Jackson was using it, it must be pretty good.

So I scheduled the pre-op and the op. One is the day before so you can fill out paperwork and get really good and nervous before your surgery. They ask you lots of questions, and the nurse asked a few that I found interesting:

“Do use any medical devices or machines at home?”
“Recreationally or practically?”
“Do you have any problems with anxiety, depression, drugs, or alcohol?”
“…That’s a lot of things in one category. Shouldn’t we split them up?”
“(silence)”
“OK, anxiety”
“Are you feeling nervous right now?”
“What do you think?”

So after a long grilling, blood tests, an EKG, etc. The nurse said “OK, you’re free to go”
“Until tomorrow, right?”
“Right”

Next post: The surgery!

Promoting a Pal

2010-03-15T13:36:00.000-07:00

As I'm sure a lot of you know my pal Stefanie Wilder-Taylor has been on most of the television shows on your television by now. But did you know she does PODCASTS too?! I know, can you believe it?! She stopped by to do out Comedy Film Nerds Podcast right before the Academy Awards and she talked about movies and how angry everyone was with her about ruining Up In The Air.

You can go to comedyfilmnerds.com and listen to episode 8. But most importantly, why would you do anything if there wasn't something in it for you? Of course there is. How about a chance to win a FREE signed and personalized copy of her new book It's Not Me, It's You? It couldn't be easier. Go to comedyfilmnerds.com and go to the message boards. Enter the contest thread and tell us who you think should play Stefanie in a movie and why. OK, it could be a little easier. Now, afraid of coming in third? No worries! Stef is giving away THREE books. THREE winners! Do it! It's free! It will help the economy. Don't argue.

Either way, it's a great book and you should buy it even if you don't win, signed and personalized from the comedyfilmnerds.com store. But I hope you win. I really do. Cheers.

stefaniewildertaylor.com is her home if you want to read more about her. Oh, and you will.

Why I Love Japanese RPGs.

2010-03-06T16:06:00.000-08:00

That’s Japanese Role Playing Video Games, for those of you not in the Geekknow. They are usually brilliantly imagines, immersive, surprising, but they can be long, slow, tedious and sometimes even boring. And yet, I love the negative stuff about them too. So why?

The first reason is that with two children my video game time has let’s just say, greatly diminished. I can play the Wii or Rock Band with Bella but that’s it. A little Resident Evil time has to wait.

Then I discovered the Persona games. Persona 3 took months and months to play. Even then you’ll miss part of it since there is so much to do and there is a ticking clock, and get this, the Persona games are currently PS2 games. Luckily I have a PS3 that’s backwards compatable, but I know, it feels like you’re playing an Atari 2600 sometimes. It’s soooo 2005…

So what makes it so great? Well, what’s so great about it is how… insane it is. Only Japanese game developers with a few issues about death, sexuality, and high school could come up with this. And I love it.

So the game opens up mysteriously. At midnight, everyone turns into… coffins? OK. Wait, OMFG. I’m a high school kid. I go to class. I go on dates. I can go to the mall. And at night if I so choose I go into a giant dark castle and fight monsters. Oh no, it gets better. I fight monsters by bringing my own moster out of my body. How do I do this? By shooting myself in the head over and over. Fricking twisted genius. Then you think, oh, it can’t get any weirder. But you’d be wrong. Soon a female robot shows up joins your team and then you can date her as well. Finally!

My wife watched me playing one night. She watched me walk around, talk to people and read the poorly translated Japanese dialogue. She then expectantly commented “This is boring.” To which I replied “Exactly!” That’s the point. Sometimes to relax I just go in the game, go to a few classes and then go to the mall to buy new armor and weapons. All malls in Japan seem to have armories, right? Right next to Cinnabon?

Sure, if I want to shoot myself in the head and woop some monster ass I can certainly do that if I wish. But not always.

But the point is, I'm tired. While I love video games, sometimes at the end of a seemingly endless day I may not be looking for the FPS viceral experience. Sometimes, I like to relax virtually as well.

So when I should be doing work late at night, or at least trying to catch up on my sleep sometimes I may not be home at all. I’ll be in Japan, going to school, studying for exams, fighting monsters and solving mysteries. Or I may just walk around and buy new pants that have a protection rating against fire magic. And why the hell not? I’m older now. My priorities have changed. I still want to fight monsters, I just like to wear some nicer things while I’m doing it.

The People vs Chris Mancini

2010-02-26T14:06:00.000-08:00

I never thought I’d hear those words. Instead of being intimidated, I have to say it was kinda cool. I felt like a supervillain who had just taken over Australia and then thought about giving it to Lex Luthor in exchange for Superman’s whereabouts.

Sadly, I hadn’t taken over anything. I chose to do an arraignment for traffic court. Of course my first thought was The People vs. Me? Which people and how many? Really, that many people against me? Seriously?

I had gotten a ridiculous, bullshit speeding ticket last year. Here’s the story:

http://www.daddyneedssomealonetime.com/2009/11/pulled-over-going-40-miles-per-hour.html

So instead of shutting up and paying the fine and then paying even more money for traffic school, I did what they don’t want you to do: I went to fight it. AND I didn’t do it through the mail. I wanted the four star treatment. I was going to do the whole show. I was going to schedule an arraignment then I was going to face my accuser in a court of law. Pretty dramatic stuff for going 40 miles an hour in a 45 zone. Yes, that’s right I was going 5 BELOW the speed limit but since it was a school zone, it was 25 since there were some high schoolers milling around. But there was no sign and it’s nonsense. So I ain’t goin’ down without a fight.

I had done this before to please guilty once where I HAD been speeding, trying to get to the Rite-Aid to get my sick daughter medicine. (not kidding, cop didn’t care) It didn’t help that my daughter had, after a morning of loud crying from ear pain, decided to fall into a quiet sound sleep right before I got pulled over.

So I was at the courthouse early and brought a book. These things take time. The guy next to me didn’t realize that. They called his name, he checked in, and 10 minutes later he muttered “This is bullshit” and then just walked out and left. Now, I’m no legal expert but I’m pretty sure after you check in with the court clerk and announce yourself present that you shouldn’t just kinda getup and leave. I’m just saying.

The clerk/bailiff (he was doing both functions) encouraged people to plead guilty (the judge can reduce your fine!) was the sales pitch. Sorry, jerks. I’m not buying your snake oil. I have rights, and I’m going to use them for as long as I can to cost this court and the cop’s precinct the most money. If you’re going to harass me, I’m going to make it cost you. Even in this minor, small way. Little victories. Count them out.

The judge called my name and mentioned all the people that were against me. The people vs. Damn. That’s a lot of people. The judge looked at looked at me like I was a jerk for saying “not guilty”. He asked me if I understood the charge and that I was eligible for traffic school. Yes and yes, and he was not going to intimidate me into changing my mind. He did do me a favor and waive the “bail” which is the amount of the ticket so I didn’t have to pay anything up front. Another way they try to screw you is they take your money first and then if you win then you get a refund many weeks later.

So I went to the cashier and waited again, which I knew I would. I was not disappointed. After another considerable delay the cashier called my name and I scheduled a court date. This was an early morning cop and while I couldn’t get night court I asked for afternoon so at least they would have to pay him overtime. And I was able to push it to June.

I am going through the whole process for a number of reasons. The first one obviously is that this ticket is bullshit and I am fighting it. But a second one presented itself. I wanted to see how the whole thing plays out if you do the opposite of what they want you to do. I got the ticket in November, and after scheduling the court date I am not even appearing until June, and I haven’t paid a thing. That’s around eight months after I received the ticket.

I have my pictures of the intersection and the road with no school zone sign in sight and it will be interesting to see how this plays out. At worst, I’ll get a few more posts out of it.

One Hand Giveth, The Other Hand Slappeth in the Face

2010-02-18T14:51:00.001-08:00

It’s amazing how the universe can screw with your expectations. I mean that in both the good and bad sense. My business partner and I, Graham Elwood, have been working on our company comedyfilmnerds.com for the last three years or so. Or as my wife calls it: a "hobby". Not full time of course, as Graham tours with Doug Benson and I have been working on my book and taking care of our youngest. We’ve slowly been increasing the business. Sales go up and down, but mostly an upward trend and traffic on the site has increased.

Sure, we've had setbacks like the site going down for four months and not being able to pay bills, the site not working, knowing nothing about HTML or online shopping carts, the garage getting to cold to work in, even in Los Angeles, etc. We bought a space heater. Anyhoo, it's been both fun and challenging, and I really enjoy it.

So we started doing live shows in Los Angeles, a cool mix of comedians and filmmakers and screening funny short films like a mini film festival with comics talking about movies. And no one came.

So we rebooted. Hit the internet. Twitter, Facebook, started a Newsletter, etc. OK, maybe the next show would be better.

But then we did something we should have done two years ago. We started a podcast. Out of my garage, where we would meet once a week and schedule it around the baby/wife/neighbor filling in as nanny. Tough, but we did it. We record every other week and in three months we were number 15 in comedy on ITunes and 81 overall of all podcasts. We have thousands of listeners now. You can subscribe here, if you’re so inclined.

http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/comedy-film-nerds/id345412221

So we scheduled our next live show. All those people listening, how could a few of them not come out to see us live?

Then, we get to the show and expect tons of people there. I’m really happy and excited. They are going to have to turn people away! So we waited. And we waited some more. Then some more. The sound guy starts asking us if and when we’re going to start. After counting my wife, my friend, and the four people one of the filmmakers brought, two other people showed up. And two of the four people the filmmaker brought hated the show and didn’t laugh once.

So for about four months in a row the live show not only cost us money but hit us a little in the ego/gut. We had done everything right this time, and still no one came. But then we got home after the show and bitched to each other on the cell phone like whiny babies. But then we checked the internet and realized while no one had come to our live show, over a thousand more people had subscribed to the podcast. And we hadn’t done a thing.

So thinking like a business person and promoter and not a comedian/artist (for once) it made perfect sense to focus all of our energy on what was working and table what isn’t, at least for now. Now we’re looking into selling advertising on the podcast. That’s right, we’re selling out, and we can’t do it quick enough. The podcast numbers and listeners are growing at an amazing rate. We are very thankful, and realize we just may never see any of them in person. We can live with that.

Preschooler Questions You Will Never Get an Honest Answer to

2010-02-10T18:35:00.000-08:00

OK, so the toddler was up at 5:00 am, didn’t nap, and our daughter is at dance class with mommy, giving me close to 12 hours of constant childcare. Right now I am either looking for a noose or toddler sized ether.

Also, I did a little spot for ABC News in LA about stay at home parents and a new website called ourmilkmoney.com You can check it our here:

http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/video?id=7256662

Now, I have noticed there are a bunch of questions that you can ask a preschooler and never get an honest answer to. Here are but a few. Feel free to add your own in the comments:

Did you wash your hands?

What did you do to the cat?

Why is your brother crying?

Where did your vegetables go? Did you eat them?

Who do you like better, me or Mommy? (SURELY) this one will always come back a lie.

Are you calling China? Who do you know in China?

Is that your third piece of chocolate?

How do you keep ordering things off Amazon? You don’t even have a computer.

Are you scared of clowns?

Are you going to be good for the entire time we’re at the funeral?

The Most Miserable Place on Earth

2010-01-30T10:59:00.000-08:00

OK, I am NOT talking about Disneyland. I love Disneyland, except of course for the massive crowds and the occasional male European tourist who wears shorts that are just a little bit too short. Please sir, I just ate a churro. Have some consideration.

No, I am indeed talking about the most miserable place on earth: Chuck E. Cheese’s. I remember seeing the commercials when I was in high school. I vowed never to set foot in one. I’ve kept that vow until last year, when TWO of Bella’s friends had birthday parties there. The first time was miserable but the second time was even worse and…. I’m out. Never again, even if the kids beg me. Thankfully, we live 40 minutes away from Disneyland so I’m pretty sure it will never happen.

Imagine the Jersey shore except dirtier, louder, and more annoying. You can use the actual Jersey shore or the new MTV show, it doesn’t matter. The comparison still stands. As you walk in you are assaulted with noise, aging, broken machines, outdated animatronics, miserable employees, miserable parents, and a creeping sense of capitulation laced with an odd sense of otherworldy dread.

Now, I know Chuck E Cheese started in the 70’s but I think it’s great that the animatronics are from the 50’s. I especially like the racist Italian drummer, Pasqually E. Pieplate. Look at the whole “band” for a moment. The band is made up of giant animals, and one Italian. Well done.

And Chuck, how can you have pizza that is WORSE than Dominos?! I didn’t think that was even possible. But you did it. And I know you’re supposed to be a mouse but were originally a rat (thanks again, Google), but you still look like a giant rat, Chuck. But I will say, if there really were giant rats after the apocalypse, I think they would eat each other before your pizza.

Then a friend of mine told me that there are a lot of shootings at Chuck E. Cheese’s. WHAT?! Of course, I could see them being suicides, but really?! shootings? So, I Googled shootings at Chuck E Cheese’s. 94,300 results came up. Go ahead, try it. Geez, folks, the tokens aren’t worth it. Just go buy the plastic necklace next time and stop fighting over the skeeball machine. Half of them don’t work anyway.

So did the kids have a good time? Yes, but they didn’t love it. Thank God. Bella was quickly bored with the lame rides and didn’t care about the games, and also thought the one climbing area and slide was insufficient. Score.

Chuck E Cheese was dirty, miserable, and crowded. Twice, in two different locations. We all felt really, really dirty afterwards. Like we had all just watched an episode of Rock of Love. If Purell made buckets we would have bought one. You know, I may be a father, but I’m also an adult. There are certain things I just don’t have to do anymore. I don’t have to ride a schoolbus, eat brussel sprouts, or go swimming if I don’t want to. And from now on, until the apocalypse, I don’t have to put up with any more bullshit from a giant rat.

The Hollywood Kindergarten Shuffle

2010-01-22T19:41:00.000-08:00

Our daughter Bella is going to be five this year, and now the scramble for kindergarten begins. Of course we live in LA and let’s just say schools aren’t always so great. There are great schools near us, just not the one we’re zoned for.

So now we have to look into things like charter schools and magnet schools. Until now I thought they meant a school on a boat and a school that you can’t bring any metal to. Then if we can’t get into one of those, we have to look at neighboring schools, sign up for what’s called “open enrollment” and hope a slot opens up somewhere. Of course there’s always private school, but let’s not go there. We’d like to pay down our debt sometime before the first one starts college.

Basically schools in Los Angeles are a fucking maze. Unless you’re zoned for a good one, you have a lot of work ahead of you. Unless you want to pony up for private but even then you have to do your research. But with some effort and some insider info (thankfully, our neighbor is a teacher and has been helping us) you start to see a method to the educational madness. Actually, no. There’s no method. Just madness. So we joined the LA School System Tea Party and we were off.

So everything is like a lottery and you just apply and hope you get in somewhere. Magnet schools you can acquire points every time you apply like you’re saving up for a bigger prize at the boardwalk or something. So the more times you don’t get in the greater your chances.
So a friend suggested a charter school. OK, what the hell? Got nothing to lose. And I can at least get out of the house for an hour or two. So I applied online and went to the prospective parent “orientation” on Sunday afternoon.

The first thing I learned was that a “charter” school doesn’t really have any rules. It’s tuition-free, and publicly funded (YEAH) but operates like a private school (OH…). This can be a double edged sword, I believe. The good thing is they can hire who they want and set their own curriculum. The bad thing is that they can hire who they want and set their own curriculum. So if it’s high standards, great. But there are definitely some quirks.

So I went to the orientation with an open mind. Keep in mind, though, every school tells you how great it is. No school Principal gets up and goes “Frankly, we have no idea what we’re doing. I’m surprised anyone even graduates from here with a rudimentary grasp of math and English.” But if they did, wouldn’t that be refreshing?

Now, this school in particular had uniforms. Not real keep on the whole conformity thing, but OK I was still listening.

Next tidbit: “We don’t have “Ds”. Huh? Turns out they don’t use D as a grade. If you didn’t get a C, you failed. “Just passing isn’t good enough” OK, strict and with mandatory summer for a failing grade school but I was still on board. Fine.

Then the kicker: “We are primarily a business and entrepreneurial school” Ok-- wait, what?! I thought I was looking for a kindergarten. I didn’t hear incorrectly. That was what she said. “We teach the students to run their own businesses and to earn a salary starting in kindergarten” Warning bells. Seriously?! The last thing I want is to have a six year old ask for a raise in her allowance to adjust for inflation.

OK, not for me. Our daughter loves to sing, dance and play. You know, like most five year olds. Now I’m going to turn her into a business asshole at age five?! I don’t think so.

I don’t think I could have been more against the whole philosophy of indoctrinating children into an early cult of money love. Take a moment and think about this: When you look back on your life, when were your most creative times? Usually, with the exception of the few of us who can’t let it go, they were when you were young. That’s the time to be creative. When your mind and your world are just opening up. When you made a diorama, was it of a bank? An accounting office? A retirement home? No?

Being creative when you’re young is a glorious, open, freeing feeling and the last think I want for my child in GRADE SCHOOL is to worry about making money and having that the focal point of her education. I think it makes perfect sense to have a business program in high school but frankly, in grade school it’s a little ridiculous.

I’m not knocking business or an understanding of money, those are great skills to have and frankly, I wish I had them. But I don’t and by now let’s just say that ship has sailed. But for now let kids be kids. She can make her first million at 16, not 6. For now we’re going to watch Dragon Tales, draw, color and put together puzzles. And if she mentions inflation she better be talking about a balloon.

Boardwalks, Meltdowns, and Diabolical Baby Formula

2010-01-16T14:05:00.000-08:00

This one was over at honestbaby.com a few months ago but I am all about recycling. Enjoy.

We were visiting family in Ocean City NJ. So that’s myself, my wife, and our four year old daughter and one year old son. And when you’re in Ocean City, NJ there are only two things to do. Go to the beach, and then go to the boardwalk. I don’t like the beach. It’s hot, sunny and sandy. What can I say, I’m an indoor cat. But I survived a few trips to the beach. (One dude generously let me borrow his shovel so I could actually secure the beach umbrella in 75 mph wind.) Hot yet windy. Even better.

But after the beach, there was the boardwalk. Man, it was packed. All the traditions are still there. Carney games, rides, and frozen custard where every stand is run by the same company. No one’s breaking up that monopoly anytime soon. But there’s never any actual Carnies at the carnie games. Just bored teenagers. But I digress.

So we went on a bunch of rides. Our four year old LOVES rides. She wants to go on the bigger ones but is too short and now gets bored on slow ones. At Disneyland she went on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad four times in a row and I finally had to slip the guy twenty bucks to tell her it was broken or I would have thrown up all over the animatronic goat. She was having a blast going on tilt-a-whirls, ferris wheels and giant swings and our one year old enjoyed just looking around and going on a few really slow rides like the kiddie train.

But when you have small children, there is always a timer. And occasionally you forget this, and you pay for it 15 minutes later. We were going to leave, and decided to stay for a half an hour longer. Tick…tick tick… boom!

Our one year old lost it. He was tired and hungry and the cry bomb had gone off. I mean, it really went off. Like trying to break glass screaming and crying. There we were on the Ocean City boardwalk with a one year old having an absolute meltdown. We pushed it by about 14.2 minutes and now we were paying for it.

My wife quickly tried to feed him. That’s when it got… insane. Instead of pulling out a bottle of formula, she pulls out a large tube of powder. What?! It was like some kind of giant baby pixie stick.

“I’m sorry, are you going to give our child astronaut food?” I asked as our baby continued to scream.
“It’s powdered formula. It’s easier for traveling,” She explained.
“Are you sure?!”

Now instead of actually feeding out child, we had to engage in a chemistry experiment on the boardwalk, quickly being able to stir together water and powder once released from its hermetically sealed container.

You know what the best thing is about canned formula? It’s formula, in a can! That’s right! You open it up and put it in your baby. That’s it. Done! Maybe you need to pour it into the bottle, but that’s OK. That’s only one extra step.

So the baby is screaming his head off, and guess what? No water, and we can’t get the infernal baby formula tube open. So we split up. Audge takes the kids to get water from a water fountain. I go into the nearest store.

It’s a lame touristy boutique with T-shirts and salt water taffy. Surprise! Neither of those things have ever interested me, and they certainly don’t now. I look at the guy behind the counter. He looks at me. I ask if I can borrow a scissors. He looks at me and shakes his head. I repeat the question. Same response. It then occurs to me that he can’t speak English. Fantastic. I can hear Griffin screaming from all the way in the store.

I take a deep breath. With one hand, I hold up the evil, evil tube of powdered formula. With the other hand, I calmly held up two fingers. I was tempted to only hold up one, knowing that would hurtle the language barrier quite nicely, but I held back. Instead I held up my two fingers and mimed a cutting motion, the universal sign for scissors. A light went off in the head of my foreign friend.

THAT he understood. The universal cutting motion. He got a scissors and cut open the petulant powder tube and I thanked him. He smiled, not quite understanding what I said or even what just happened, but knowing he helped open a tube of something. Possibly cocaine.

So I got back to my wife and she had found water and the alchemy began. Mix, shake, serve. Griffin calmed down instantly and inhaled the witch’s brew. We started walking off the boardwalk and back to the car.

“We pushed it, didn’t we?”
“Yes” my wife said.
“I’m going out to buy cans of formula tomorrow, aren’t I?”
“Yes. Maybe even tonight.”

Fair enough. Those evil tubes should come with a warning: “Not for use when you actually need it.” It’s hard enough to stock a diaper bag with everything you need but now you need to stock it judiciously. Now the items need to be packed according to weight, size, and now varying degrees of usage difficulty. At this point, if we travel again with two small children I’m hiring a Sherpa.

Overheard in LA

2010-01-09T16:22:00.001-08:00

Wife: “Enjoy this time when the kids are young, because once they’re teenagers they won’t want anything to do with us.”

Me: “Great! Let’s start thinking of ways we can embarrass them in twelve years.”

OK, that was a non-sequitur, but I didn’t have anywhere else to put it, and I still can’t get the twitter gadget to work properly in blogger.

Anyhoo, when you live in LA, especially as a parent, you hear things you most certainly would not hear anywhere else. Here are some things I’ve overheard. I’m a very good listener, when someone isn’t speaking directly to me.

Mother talking to her six year old daughter: “We’re going out for sushi tonight, your favorite!” Judging by the look on her face it was not her favorite. And really, why would it be?

Mother talking to a sales clerk in Macy’s: “My son is shooting a movie tomorrow and he needs to wear plain type clothes” Way to hike up your kid’s resume to the Macy’s clerk. Embarrased to say “My son is an extra”?

Mother to son at daycare: “If you keep acting this way you’re going to get a consequence!” Consequence?! SERIOUSLY?! While I’m against the whole “gonna get a beating” thing, I think we can still call a spade a spade. PUNISHMENT is still a good word, for criminals and for children. Be a parent, not a hippie.

“Sometime I give my son a cupcake in the morning without icing and say it’s a muffin.” This one is so creatively absurd that I had to give the mother some credit. Well done.

What was the dumbest parenting conversation you’ve overheard?

Laguna Beach in 24 Hours

2010-01-02T17:07:00.000-08:00

I really think we forget this sometimes. The last two weeks I tried to take a break from the internets and everything else having to do with checking or posting something. It was harder than I thought. I wonder if we’re getting a bit TOO wired for our own good. And yes, I am well aware of the irony of blogging about this subject.

So I took a break. I made sure the iphone didn’t get checked every five minutes. I didn’t care about sales ranks or ratings, reviews, or anything. OK, I at least tried. When you’re home, it’s next to impossible. To clarify: When you’re home and you’re obsessive, it’s next to impossible.

So the only way to really do it and unplug, is to take an actual break. So we did. It lasted for a little over 24 hours, but it was amazing. My family was in town, so the day after Christmas they offered to watch the kids. I was out the door so fast I forgot my wife. After going back in the house, getting my wife, and actually packing a few things, Audge and I got in the car and drove to Laguna Beach, CA.

As soon as we were on the freeway we started to relax a bit. It had been a stressful year with everything from the good (a book release) to the bad (every appliance in the house breaking down at the same time which made our credit card company very happy) and everything in between. With the new baby, we hadn’t been away as a couple for almost two years. Not that we ever really did it that often with the first child, so let’s just say we were overdue.

We went a bit cheap on the hotel which is always a gamble. Normally over $200 a night but now only half that? With breakfast? Really? That’s quite a bargain! Turns out we were staying at one expensive cheap motel. But was crack included? That’s never on the brochure.

Let’s just say you get what you pay for and to be honest, we didn’t mind, except for the backaches we both got from the rock hard mattress. It was pretty much a bed surrounded by four walls and a bathroom. Only one side had a lamp so we had to take turns on the “reading side”.

So we went to the beach. It was cold but beautiful. Laguna is beautiful by the way. Worth the drive. We went shopping. I hate shopping, but it took me a whole extra hour to get annoyed! I was definitely relaxing.

Then we went to a crazy expensive hotel and ate in their restaurant. Needless to say, it was amazing. From the view to the food, it really felt like… well… a date. After dinner we walked around this crazy rich person hotel like we were… rich and it was really fun. It was actually cold and if it had been a little warmer and we weren’t so full of good food and sangria we probably would have walked down their cliff walkway to their beach.

So once we were back in the lobby we felt warm, full and happy, and went back to our cheap motel. We watched an old Fantasy Island rerun on a channel I don’t even think we have two hours away, and just enjoyed not having to do ANYTHING. No kitchen cleanup, no childcare, no bills, no house repairs, no vampire slaying, etc. Nothing. It was awesome.

It was four in the morning and we were woken up by a drunk outside the hotel. Now, we’re used to being woken up at four in the morning since the baby seems to like that time of the morning to have a family conference. But the difference was, we were in a hotel room, we didn’t have to get up. And we certainly didn’t have to change him. At least, we weren’t going to.

We woke up late (8:00 am) and felt refreshed. So other than a few aches in the back and a free breakfast that was actually six blocks away in another hotel, we really felt like we got our money’s worth. Most importantly, we really felt like we went on vacation.

In fact, we had so much fun we’re going to make in an annual thing, as long as my family keeps offering. Looking forward to next Christmas. Maybe we can stretch it to 36 hours next time…

Terry Gilliam, Dr. Parnassus, and Statutory Rape

2009-12-16T14:03:00.001-08:00

I am a HUGE Terry Gilliam fan. I got to see The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus early. I was really excited and was hoping this was going to be one of Gilliam’s best. Sure, there was the hype and mystery surrounding this film. It’s Heath Ledger’s last film and you always wonder if Terry Gilliam is even going to finish one. So with Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell stepping in for Ledger, I had no idea what to expect. Then again, you never know what to expect with a Terry Gilliam film. That’s kind of the point.

It’s the story (sort of) of Dr. Parnassus, an immortal mystic locked in combat with the devil via various bets. Up for grabs is in this and other various wagers is Dr. Parnassus’ own daughter, Valentina, when she reaches her 16th birthday and comes of age. If Dr. Parnassus loses, he loses his only daughter.

As I’m watching the movie it was a bit all over the place. This was not Ledger’s finest performance. How can you top the Dark Knight? You can’t. But I was still enjoying the movie since even a mediocre Terry Gilliam film is still really fun to watch. But then a scene took me WAY out of the movie.

There’s the little matter of statutory rape in the film. Shortly after her 16th birthday Dr. Parnassus’ daughter has sex with Colin Farrell on a boat. Now, I know the movie was made in England where the age of consent is 16. I checked Wikipedia. I hope nothing happens to me in the next few days where my computer is suddenly seized by a forensics team and they go over my internet history. That would be awkward.

But it was even more awkward to watch this unfold on film. OK, Colin’s hot, I get it ladies, but with a 16 year old? Come on. Also, the actress, Lily Cole, clearly looks (and is) older than 16 so why not just make her older and have your audience avoid a really icky feeling towards the end of the movie? Not really sure what the point of that was. Make her 21 or at least 18, on the verge of womanhood. Then after a clearly older man seduces her all the women in the audience would have just rolled their eyes and we would be done. Instead you get a real cringe worthy moment. And yes, I am aware that the age of consent in some states is 16 or in some cases even lower. Look how well that’s working out.

I suppose a few years ago this wouldn’t have bothered me as much, or at least I would not have fixated upon it. But now that I’m a father with a daughter, things change. Being the father of a young girl brings on a whole new and sometimes intrusively unwanted perspective. It’s hard to even look at strippers anymore without thinking “God, that girl’s parents must have really messed her up” Oh, don’t get me wrong, I can still do it and shut off parent mode while looking at a topless woman on cable but it just takes a little more effort every time.

So other than the rape part was The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus any good? Well, it was OK. Not my favorite of his films, but not his worst. But this is the first time I ever felt put off a bit by one. And while I’m pretty sure this situation will never arise, nevertheless I’m never letting Colin Farrell in a boat with my daughter.

A Coupon and Some Holiday Inspiration

2009-12-09T16:03:00.001-08:00

So, the holidays are upon us, bearing down like an unstable Christmas tree on an all too curious cat, and I thought I would give a little inspirational cheer as well as do a few plugs for gift giving, if you don’t mind.

First, I would like to invite everyone reading this to take 10% off EVERYTHING in the comedyfilmnerds.com store. This is the site run by myself and fellow filmmaker/comedian Graham Elwood. We offer some really cool signed and personalized merchandise from comedians and filmmakers. Right now you can get my book Pacify Me and Stefanie Wilder-Taylor’s new book It’s Not Me It’s You both signed and personalized and sent wherever you want in time for Christmas. We also have T-shirts, DVDs and even short film downloads, although I’m not sure how great a gift downloads make. They’re hard to wrap. So please stop by. Use the coupon code “improv” Don’t use the quotes, though. Seriously.

Now, I have often wondered (and been asked) how many fans do you really need to support yourself creatively? That’s a great question, and I didn’t think there was an answer, until another comedian, David Feldman, told me. He said the answer is simple: It’s 5,000.

Wait, so 5,000? David explained to me that it was called something like catching the tail of the comet. You need 5,000 people who like your work enough to pay $20 a year for it. The math is very simple. That’s $100,000 a year. And your fan base will grow from that 5,000.

It has nothing to do with the medium. Writing, podcasting, blogging, sculpting, painting, music, etc. It doesn’t matter. It could even be something technical like a piece of software or a video game. Maybe even an iphone app… You just need 5,000 people to spend $20 a year on you. Whether they are buying a book, CD, or paying for a podcasting subscription.

At first it seems like a lot but then think about it. It’s not 5,000 people in your town. It’s not 5,000 in your state, or even in your country. 5,000 people in the WORLD. That’s all you need. Friends and family count, too. See? You’ve already started.

Sure, it won't happen overnight, and it may take a few years, but nothing worthwhile is easy. So get out there. Find your 5,000.

Tis the Season...

2009-12-02T14:07:00.001-08:00

To be siiick, cough cough cough cough cough, cough cough cough cough. I never really noticed flu season before I had kids. Sure there was flu around, but I rarely got it and I also rarely got flu shots.

Now with a child in daycare and one at home with me it seems like from September to March we just have to buy $600 worth of tissues, Purell, and Claritin, which is not cheap by the way.

Remember when you could actually buy cold medicine over the counter? Now thanks to a few enterprising meth freaks and some media hype I need to show my driver’s license to buy Claritin or any cold medicine that actually works. Sure, you can still buy “reformulated” cold medicine on the shelf but you may as well be buying Pez. It doesn’t do anything for you.

So here we are and our 18 month old has ANOTHER cold. And now I have it. Now he’s getting better and I don’t have the energy to chase him around the house. Help me, television. Sometimes On Demand Sesame Street can actually help you keep your sanity. Thanks, PBS. While we like to limit television, let’s be honest: Exhaustion often trumps the danger of ADD.

A month ago he actually got sick going to get his flu vaccine. Not FROM the flu vaccine, but from being in the hot zone that is the pediatrician’s office when he got it. I know there is a lot of controversy about vaccines, but I'm not sure if it is warranted, to be honest. We got our children vaccinated. We listen to our doctors about what’s best medically for our children; not comedians, right wing loons, or playboy playmates. We decided that a good litmus test on who you should listen to would be: When your child gets sick or hurt, do you call your doctor or a celebrity?

A stomach virus recently went through our entire house, including through my visiting mother. Not pleasant. I however did not get it. When my wife asked me why, I explained to her that I am so anxious all the time about my career that the excess stomach acid flows so copiously that no virus or bacteria could survive in that kind of agitated environment.

So I’m hoping we’ll be through this “trial by virus” in the next few years and the kids’ software boots up a bit and we get a few less germs in the house. At this rate, the four year old seems to be doing pretty well. She’s been much healthier compared to previous years. All she’s doing now is surreptitiously carrying the daycare germs into the house for the rest of the family like she’s in some Michael Crichton novel.

Any way you can Purell the air?

Pulled Over Going 40 Miles Per Hour

2009-11-22T07:24:00.000-08:00

We all get speeding tickets at one time or another, and they suck. Does this mean we’re all speeders? Now, it means that speed traps have gotten more tricky and ridiculous to raise more money. The old cop joke: “Do cops have ticket quotas?” “I don’t have a quota, I can write as many tickets as I want”

I was taking Bella to school the way I’ve always gone for four years. I had my brother with me in the car and we were going to the airport afterwards. Nothing out of the ordinary. Right before Bella’s school is a high school that I pass every day. But this day I didn’t pass it.

I was stopped for the light outside the entrance to the high school and one of the fattest policemen I had ever seen waddled into traffic and told the guy in front of me and myself to pull over. Turns out he hadn’t tagged the guy in front of me, he just needed him to pull over to get to me. But then they started having a conversation and then the cop put his hand on his gun. Whoa, what’s going on? For a second I got a little frightened. I realized since this porky here obviously couldn’t run anyone down, he may be a pretty good shot to compensate for it. I thought maybe he had a desk job, but I don’t know if he would fit. At some point you have to be in shape to get through the Police Academy, right? So why don’t they retest periodically, or at least set a weight limit to that of a small building? But whatever the conversation was about, it ended and the other dude was on his way, scott-free.

The corpulent cop then explained to me I had been going 40 in a 40 zone, but since there are children present the speed limit was 25. What?! First of all, this is a HIGH SCHOOL. Some of these “kids” could be 18. Second, there is no school zone sign. I later learned it’s a block away in the other direction, so you would only see it if you were going a different way than I drove every day.

I looked at him write up my ticket on his motorcycle and thought OMG, this is the guy from that Guinness Book of World Records picture with the twins on the scooters.

So this leviathan in jack boots waddled back to my car and gave me my ticket. This was complete bullshit, and I saw he was pulling over three cars at a time all week because it was a trick speed trap. I tried to flash my lights on the way back to warn other drivers but I’m not sure if it helped. I didn’t say anything because I was so angry (not even a thank you!) and you certainly don’t want to make it worse. The typical responses all came to mind: “Why don’t you catch some real criminals? Try patrolling INSIDE the high school for a change. Have you tried Slimfast?” But I kept them to myself.

I was soon back on my way and dropped Bella off and explained what a ticket was. She was a bit confused. “A GOOD ticket gets you into Disneyland. A BAD ticket a fat policeman gives you for driving too fast. So there are different kinds of tickets”

Now LA has this system where they make it almost impossible and a huge hassle to not only fight a ticket but actually pay one. The inflatable cop lied and said “You’ll get the ticket in the mail and it will tell you how much you owe.” I knew that was bullshit from getting a ticket a few years back. That never happens. They never mail you anything so they hope you won’t take care of it and they can add extra fees on top of it. You have to call, go online or even go to the courthouse to even plead not guilty, and then you still have to pay the fine. Then if you win, you get a refund. My first instinct was to just pay this ticket and do traffic school and be done with it. But then I thought fuck that. There was no sign and this was a trick. I’m going to court. I’ll let you know how it goes. Perhaps if I baked that nice cop a batch of brownies he would “forget” to show up to court. Nah, I can’t afford that much mix.

More Random Thoughts

2009-11-13T14:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it’s nice to just put down some random thoughts because they are lonely and have nowhere else to go. Not big enough for a blog, but too big for Twitter. OK, maybe I just made that up, but still, random.

Big Bang Theory is actually a watchable network sitcom. I’ve also discovered, late into the game, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

I just got invited to a LARP (Live Action Role Playing) game/event. At first I thought it was like a key party, but turns out it’s a Deadwood themed party that’s actually also a game. So I’ll need to work on my pronunciation of “cocksucker”. I haven’t committed to it yet, but I will say I am intrigued and requested more information. I do remember playing Dungeons and Dragons in high school ON PAPER, but this would obviously be far nerdier. In fact, I think this may be Nerd Everest. Once you LARP, I mean what’s left? Building your own sex robot, maybe, but I don't know how to do that.

I do NOT look like that guy from Imagination Movers….. He looks like me.

Sometimes the best part about having two kids is thinking about how great it is that you don’t have three.

When I have 50 followers I’ll add the Followers gadget. Only 41 more to go.

I am always one social networking site behind, which I think says something about me and my social and networking skills.

I haven’t performed in Las Vegas since the summer and I am really beginning to miss it. I’m the only one who goes to Las Vegas to get some sleep.

I just got the PS3 Netflix disk in the mail and it’s awesome. Netflix on my TV! Limited on-demand library! Imagine if they actually had movies I wanted to watch on demand!

Just watched Coraline on Blu Ray and the 3-D actually works. Imagine my surprise. 3D on TV used to be relegated to getting the glasses at Wawa and then when the show “event” would come on it wouldn’t work and be blurry. I remember Creature from the Black Lagoon and some Kung Fu movie from my youth. Neither worked.

Between the baby and the cat, some days it seems like I’m cleaning up crap all day long. Either in a box or in a diaper, it’s there, and it has to go.

I bought the new Paramore CD and while I’m enjoying it I feel guilty about it.

I Think I'm Getting Older

2009-11-06T11:52:00.000-08:00

I think I’m getting older.
Here are some signs, and frankly, I don’t like them. Time, Time, Time, See what's become of me... Hazy shade of winter, blah blah blah

1)I remember when a time before e-mail.

2)I remember a time before blogging.

3)The only way my children can watch Bugs Bunny cartoons or the Three Stooges is on DVD.

4)My children say things like “I want to watch something on-demand” and “iphone” and “what does underwater on your mortgage mean?”

5)When I saw Queensryche live four years ago the lead singer said “are there any parents here?” and most of the audience cheered. The stadium was only half full, but to be fair, even when Queensryche was popular their shows were only half full.

6)I had a walkman that played one whole CD at a time.

7)As a kid, getting a VCR was a big deal and it took half a day to hook up.

8)Computers were more expensive, and the high end ones had a full 40 megabyte hard drive.

9)I keep saying things like 40 is the new 39 and I’m only half kidding.

10)I still hate Twitter.

11)I’m starting to hate Facebook.

12)I’m a mostly put off by, but yet a tad jealous of the actor from some FX show renting the house across the street who walks around outside mostly naked to show off his tattoos so casting agents think he’s “dangerous”. He has poker parties almost every day, bangs a bunch of models and says “Fuck!” really loud into his cell phone when he’s sitting on the front step. Shirtless.

13)I have a backlog of video games I still haven’t played. I can’t even get to Brutal Legend. I remember wasting away HOURS in my friend's basement playing the following Atari 2600 games: Missile Command, Adventure, Maze Craze, Megamania, and Superman.

14)I get excited over a good meal. I mean REALLY excited. OK, maybe that just makes me a foodie.

15)After my wife had our first child we no longer got the Victoria Secret catalogues and every day I miss them a little less.

16) I’m at Home Depot more and at Gamespot less.

17) I go into Hollywood sometimes and see the young hipsters and just want to smack them. Actually, this has nothing to do with them being young.

18) I still enjoy going to Disneyland, but now I have to worry about the kids getting Swine Flu.

19) I remember being upset the day Jim Henson died.

20)I remember when the GOOD cartoons were all on Saturday morning.

How about you?

Another Day in Internetland

2009-10-29T16:00:00.000-07:00

I've been a bit busy on the internets lately. You can hear me on a new podcast, namely MANIC MOMMIES:

http://www.manicmommies.com/2009/10/podcast-pacify-me/

I got a very nice compliment when one of the mommies said when she was editing it she almost peed herself. There is no better compliment to a comedian. Either peeing on yourself or spitting out your drink with laughter, it’s a compliment that either way involves some kind of fluid.
A friend of mine, Don Barnhart Jr. made CNN when a woman went into labor after one of his shows. Now that’s a compliment. “You were so funny, I gave birth!”

The internet is a great “equalizer” in the sense that it’s tough to get on television. Duh. I always get those “suggestions” like “You should go on Oprah and promote your book.” REALLY? I never thought of that! Do you have her number? Maybe you could call her for me and tell her she should put me on. And then maybe we could both go home with Kindles!

But it’s not easy. Mainly because I’m over 30. I’m always one social networking site behind, and just when I’m getting used to it, they fucking change how it works. For the Love of Lucy, Facebook, WTF? You changed your feed and now people are seeing me and I’m seeing them at COMPLETELY RANDOM TIMES AT YOUR OWN CHOOSING. Then you suggested I “reconnect” with my own wife. I don’t need your automated robot marriage counseling, Facebook. Do you WANT to become the next MySpace? Is that what you want? Keep going the way you’re going and you’ll do it. Remember Friendster? I thought so.

My buddy Graham Elwood and I even started our own comedy and film website last year called comedyfilmnerds.com and it just relaunched yesterday. Soft launch. Which means it can have problems and people will forgive you for a few weeks because you start getting angry e-mails. The old site, that crashed hard was besieged with angry nerds. “I love your content but hate your site” “Your navigation sucks” “Your logo is in the wrong place” etc…

It’s a site for comedians to write about movies and we have a store so you can buy CDs DVDs and books, most of them signed and some even personalized. For instance if you buy Doug Benson’s CD or my book, we’ll make it out specifically to you.

So blogs, podcasts, websites, message boards and e-mails. That’s where you’ll find me. And please, internet, could you change the way you do things a little more slowly, please? So Twitter has lists now? OK. Wait, Why!?

How HGTV Bought Us a New Fridge

2009-10-22T12:03:00.000-07:00

Our kitchen was falling apart. We had to do something about it, but we weren’t sure what. We couldn’t afford to just redo it. Even if we went cheap we couldn’t have done it. The kitchen, from the 70’s, was simply falling apart.

So then our neighbor told us we should apply for a new HGTV show the $250,000 challenge. Five families on the block compete, each week a new room is worked on and the winner gets $250,000. Wow. So even if we didn’t win, at least we could get to the kitchen stage. That would be a win for us.

It sounded so simple. Need something? Perhaps you need… a kitchen redone? A million dollars from starving yourself on an island? Perhaps you just need to feed a self destructive narcissistic craving for attention. Then ask a reality show for help. They’re there for YOU!

So we applied. We did many interviews. I think we did well. The producers came and looked at our house. They looked at the different rooms and tried to figure out if our house would suit their needs and if we would fit their needs for the camera.

When the producer saw our kitchen, he actually stopped and let out a bit of an anguished cry, like “ohhewwewoh” He then tried to cover it up but we knew that he knew that we knew that our kitchen was a disaster. Which of course, was not such a bad thing for a home improvement show.

Half of our house we had worked on. We have a very nice living room, one of the bathrooms was redone, our family room was in decent shape and over the years we converted the garage into an office. The previous owners were using it to grow pot, so all the insulation and outlets were already installed. A little drywall and add a window, and presto. Salacious drug den to nerdy office.

So we had a bathroom, a bedroom and a disastrous kitchen that could be redone. Plus, my wife and I would be pretty fun on camera, I would think. Not typical HGTV types.
More interviews, and a little good news. They had picked our street. Great! Getting closer. They were narrowing it down.

Soon another call came. They had narrowed it down to eight families, of which were were part of the eight and then they were going to pick five. We were so close. There’s no way we’d be in the loser three, right? Then we started thinking, hell, maybe we’ll get a new kitchen and then also win $250,000. Why not? With that kind of money we could turn the garage back into a… never mind.

But then as we were waiting for the next call, our fridge up and died on us. Gave up the frozen ghost. We thought, if it had just lasted a few weeks more… But then we got the call. Yes, THE call. The call that told us HGTV was passing on us, and we were not in the top five. Damn it!
So we went and got a fridge. We miserably went and got a fridge, our hopes of getting our house redone for free quietly disappearing. But we did get a really nice fridge. We lucked out and got a Fisher and Paykel, on a markdown due to it having a little ding on the side that we didn’t care about.

But then, we got ANOTHER call from HGTV. A much better one, this time. While we still weren’t on the show, they were sending us a check for all the time and interviews we did. It covered our new fridge.

We were disappointed to be sure, but we also realized that when you’re doing a show like that you really don’t get to take your time and do it the way you want to. We do like to take our time with things and get them the way we like them. Or so we rationalized. So while we didn’t get to meet Drew Lachey of 98 degrees, we do have a new fridge, which runs at a cool 45 degrees. OK, that was a stretch, I know.

At The Long Beach Comic-Con

2009-10-13T13:21:00.000-07:00

I was on a panel recently at the first annual Long Beach Comic Con and it was really fun. It should be up in a week or two for viewing. (Comicsoncomics.com) I was with Matt Weinhold, Jonathan London, Jimmy Palmiotti and Amanda Conner. Big fun. Matt and Jonathan I had met before (both hilarious) but it was the first time I had met Jimmy and Amanda. And dammit, they’re good people. In addition to being great comic book writer/artists, of course. Amanda even bought my book. I was very flattered. We talked about kids and she told me to bring my daughter down the next day and she would sign a Supergirl print for her. It had never occurred to me to bring my four year old daughter down the next day.

But I thought about it, and I did. Isabella and I got into the car nice and early and drove down to Long Beach. We went in and instantly Bella’s eyes lit up. “Look, there’s Superman!” she exclaimed. It never occurred to me that the people dressed up at a Comic Con have the same effect on children as Pluto in Disneyland. She wanted a picture with him. The dude dressed as Superman was happy to do it. This was really cool. I soon learned that people dressed up at a Con expect this from children and are happy to take pictures with them. I think it gives them as much of a thrill as it does the child. Hey, we all get our kicks in different ways. No judgments here. We got pictures with Supergirl, Batgirl, Boba Fett, some weird stormtrooper guy (I think). Sometimes the costumes are so obscure it’s almost like a super secret nerd joke. Okay, so you’re a character from a video game that only came out in Japan circa 1989? You look very pixilated.

Also, speaking of cons this tweet from Brian Michael Bendis really made me giggle and roll my eyes at the same time:
RT @BRIANMBENDIS: con goers: not all asian women are in costume. some are just asian. dont ask what character they are. yes, this happened

Bella and I then walked around, went to the Nintendo Booth and played some games together. They were cool too, showing Bella how to play. She kicked ass at the wakeboarding game.

I realized I had been completely wrong. The comic book convention is simply made for children. Not just us big children but actual, shorter children. The problem is Comic-Con in San Diego has gotten so huge and so unmanageable it’s hard to walk around as an adult, let alone try to keep your child from running into a Klingon with his batleth out. The Long Beach Comic-Con was perfect. Small, manageable, you could walk around, and I even chatted with Richard Hatch from Battlestar Galactica briefly.

Although Bella didn’t understand that people were waiting in line to meet an artist, and not a superhero. But we did wait in line to see Amanda Conner and she gave Bella a signed Supergirl print, which is awesome by the way. We’re going to frame it. But I wasn’t sure how to protect it until the guy behind me said “If you wait one minute I can give you a rubber band to roll it up with”

“Thanks.” He gave me the rubber band and then watched in disapproval as I rolled it up.

“You need to roll it tighter so it doesn’t get any creases.”

“—er OK. Thanks.” I did it again. Satisfied, my anal, rubber band providing, poster rolling friend departed.

Amanda gave Bella the print and didn’t charge me. I tried to pay her, saying she bought my book but she wouldn’t take my money. She said “you have kids.” I immediately nodded and thanked her for her generosity. Ha. “you have kids” ‘nuff said.

Boardwalks, Meltdowns, and Diabolical Baby Formula

2009-10-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

Misadventures on the Ocean City NJ Boardwalk. Are there any other kind? Over at honestbaby.com

http://www.honestbaby.com/boardwalks-meltdowns-and-diabolical-baby-formula/#more-17500

Random Acts of Irritation

2009-10-05T20:24:00.000-07:00

Our kitchen STILL isn’t done. At some point, a company really has to stop lying to you and actually do their fucking job. Supposedly, Monday is that day, when they install our countertop that apparently had to be shipped in from the moon.

Tom Delay on Dancing with The Stars dancing to “Wild Thing” I saw a few seconds of this by accident, and I’m sorry to say I may take it with me to the grave. Please… I know Sarah Palin is the first reality Show politician, but please politicians, stop going on reality shows. We know you’re narcissistic egomaniacs. You don’t need to prove it anymore. At least Rod Blagojevich has been laying low. Probably combing his luxurious hair…

We just got a new cordless phone. My wife did a new thing where it rang and then she handed the cordless phone to me, twice, without answering it, thinking the calls were for me. By the time she got it in my hand, it had already gone to voicemail. Twice. When I mentioned this she got angry at me for having attitude and blamed the new phone for not working.

Our cable isn’t working properly and hasn’t for a while. The cable company’s attitude is pretty much “So what? Where you gonna go? We bought the other companies. Go get a satellite dish, then. Go. We don’t care. Now go get your shinebox…”

It takes me longer to learn new technologies now. Stupid aging process. And stupid Twitter, PayPal, HTML, and shopping cart integrations.

At least the new season of Dexter started. Love that show.

What’s irritating YOU, right now?

EXTREME DAD!

2009-09-28T11:41:00.000-07:00

I wrote an article for THE FATHER LIFE. It's actually my first article for another website. Please don't tell them. It's about being EXTREME DAD...

http://thefatherlife.com/mag/2009/09/28/don%e2%80%99t-be-extreme-dad/

Sesame Street: You CAN go home again

2009-09-23T10:06:00.000-07:00

Finally coming out of the whole overwhelmed thing. Slowly starting to get the balance back. Kitchen should be usable again next week. Must... stop.. eating... microwave food....

OK so I was watching Sesame Street with Griffin who is now around 14 months old. He gets a little bit more TV than Bella did, mainly because well, I’m freaking exhausted, that’s why, and sometimes you just need 20 minutes of not chasing around a toddler who keeps wondering what the cat tastes like.

As I was watching Sesame Street I was amazed to see most of the old actors I grew up with still there, like Gordon, Susan, Bob and of course the same guy who does Big Bird and Oscar. They’ve been doing this for 40 years! That kind of job security is unheard of, especially in television. Although somehow I doubt the raises have been too significant. It is public television after all.

Sesame Street is a mix of old footage and new and I remembered some of the segments when I was a kid like the Ladybug Picnic and the western one where a guy marked everyone with an “X” until a boy asked him to stop and then he started doing “O”s. My favorite was the last line “The townspeople were satisfied, because they really weren’t very smart”

Sesame Street always catered to both the children and the parents watching, which has always been cool. You can really see the flash of genius between Jim Henson and Frank Oz doing skits with Ernie and Cookie Monster (The Cookie Bunny) and other sketches with Grover and that guy he always tortured in the restaurant. Some of them were loose, ad libbed and really pretty funny.

I was happy to see that tradition being upheld. Sure, Elmo is still really annoying, although less so once you have kids. Mainly because they sit still and watch him for a few minutes, making you actually grateful to him. Like making a deal with a high pitched furry red devil. Yes, master. Whatever you say, master.

There was one segment that really made me laugh and I actually rewound to watch it again. I tried to find it on YouTube but couldn’t and then I finally found it on the Sesame Street site. The band Squirrel Nut Zippers did a parody of their song Put a Lid on it and kept putting things on a guy’s head. I found the link. Here it is. I may even buy their album now.

http://www.sesamestreet.org/video_player?p_p_lifecycle=0&p_p_id=videoPlayer_WAR_sesameportlets4369&p_p_uid=15b7e365-4143-11dd-a2c3-4d6bdc929d13

So it was cool to see there is one thing I grew up with that the spirit has remained the same. And I am happy to share it with my children. Here’s to another 40 years of Sesame Street.

Overwhelmed!

2009-09-06T11:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we get overwhelmed. For me, this is one of those times. The last few weeks have been crazy, and I finally found the combination of events that has left me with no time to do anything except check an occasional e-mail and maybe do a Facebook update and then try to sleep for 3-4 hours at a stretch. Keep in mind, it’s not like I was looking for that combination of events.

The combination is as follows: Having two children, traveling with two children, getting sick, redoing our kitchen, trying to promote the book and taking care of a baby that refuses to nap for 12-14 hours a day. Little room for anything else. In fact, my book promotion, blogging, and everything career related has simply come to a complete halt over the past few weeks. At first I was sad that comedyfilmnerds.com crashed and burned and can’t be fixed, but as the new version of the site is being rebuilt I realized it actually came at a perfect time. I have no time to devote to it right now.

I had to stay in a hotel for a few days, but meeting Rowdy Roddy Piper was extremely cool so there were some perks. But Going to Home Depot every few days (sometimes more than once) and coordinating what feels like a 100 contractors with a 13 month old in tow has not been easy. Although my 13 month old now knows everything there is to know about grout. Good for him.
Meet the Contractors: You’re the regular contractor, great. Now there’s the cabinet guy, the countertop guy, the appliances and the home depot coordinator, and oh, regular contractor you’re going on vacation in the middle of the job? Great. Glad you mentioned that earlier. Oh, wait, you didn’t. Well done. I guess that’s my fault.

Now the expensive copper sink is crooked and it’s always a hassle to return stuff online, home depot has nothing in stock, and now the sink doesn’t fit, the faucets won’t fit, some of the cabinets are damaged or wrong, etc. We’re using a fridge, a toaster oven and a microwave and a credit card for meals. Oh, and now I’m having anxiety attacks? That’s weird. I wonder how that happened.

The thing is, we NEVER would have redone our kitchen unless we had to. We knew it would be a nightmare. But between our old cabinets falling apart (and down, they were separating from the ceiling) a 24 inch oven from 1956 and a vinyl floor that had more stains than actual pattern it was time. We knew when we bought the house we would have to redo it eventually. Would have been easier to do it without two kids, but hey, hindsight is always 20/20.

But now things are at least progressing. Most of the cabinets are in, the appliances should be here soon and the kitchen should at least be semi-functional in 2 weeks or so. I hope.

(Chris gets up because his neighbor’s giant dogs have now run into his backyard and scared his children. His wife needs help getting them out. They won’t leave. The neighbor won’t answer his doorbell. Chris gets the dogs out of his yard, closes the gate and with the help of another neighbor leashes the dogs and brings themn back to his negligent dog-owner neighbor, who is still sleeping. Thankfully his roommate is up and takes the dogs. Chris has done his good deed for the day and then resumes his blog that he almost can’t finish.)

I have to say the kitchen does looks nice and will be worth the hassle once it is complete, a thousand years from now. For now I’m just trying to keep the baby from eating the new cabinets. Maybe I’ll just give him one to chew on so I can get 15 minutes of sleep…

How I Met Rowdy Roddy Piper at the Denny's

2009-08-23T12:01:00.000-07:00

OK, so I’d been staying at the Best Western for a few days while large men ripped out our kitchen. Week one. Our house is, well, a mess. Even the dust has a thin layer of dust on it. I can only look forward to the day our kitchen will be complete, many years into the future. But anyway, there I was eating every day with Griffin at the Denny’s which was next to the hotel. They got to know me. I was a regular at the Denny’s, at least for a few days.

One morning I go in and who walks in but wrestling legend Rowdy Roddy Piper with two other friends. He sits down at a table close to me. He still wears his “Hot Rod” shirt and looks absolutely great. I have no idea how old the guy is, but he looks like he is his early 50’s. I’m pretty sure he’s a little older, but like I said the man looks great. I better stop now because soon it will sound like I have a crush on him.

I grew up watching him. From going to see him live at the Spectrum in Philly to watching him in Wrestlemania. I went to see Wrestlemania 3 live in Atlantic City about 100 years ago. But also seeing him in movies like They Live with the extended wrestling fight scene was hilarious. He was an entertainer, could be the bad guy, had an amazing sense of humor and was one of my favorites along with Sergeant Slaughter. I even remember him beating the shit out of Morton Downey Jr. during one of the Wrestlemania stunts. Hilarious. Old School wrestling and old school spectacle.

So you would think I would have gone up to him and introduced myself. But I didn’t. I didn’t want to bother him. Another guy sat down next to him and I listened and it was really hilarious to hear Rowdy Roddy Piper in Denny’s say the word “Grand Slam” I always feel like people want to be left alone and I rarely get star struck, but ultimately I just paid my bill and walked out.

I walked to the target and got some more formula for Griffin and then walked back to the hotel. And then I went passed the Denny’s again. I stopped. I wondered if Rowdy Roddy was still there. I thought I may never get the opportunity again and I thought (ridiculously) that it would be a much more interesting story and blog post if I did go up to him.

So I went back in.

I said excuse me and went up to Rowdy Roddy Piper and told him I was a big fan and grew up watching him. He instantly stood up and was the most gracious dude ever. I got a few pics, and I could tell the guy is really appreciative and loves his fans. It wasn’t the fake “thank you, please don’t bother me” vibe that some celebrities give off. It was genuine and I’m glad I met him.
Then it got a little ironic. The guy who was with Rowdy Roddy recognized ME. “You’re a comedian, aren’t you? We met a while back. I saw you sitting over there before” How crazy was that?

He was another comic who recognized me and I instantly forgot his name the second he told me. When you have two children, your short term memory is simply gone. Bye Bye. I now forget things not just after someone tells me something, but AS they are telling me. I remembered his name later in the shower. It was Tommy James. He is a very funny comedian/writer/producer. Everyone has multiple hats these days. We all have to multitask in this biz.

After introductions I said “I didn’t want to bother you before but then I guess I changed my mind” “It’s no bother,” Rowdy Roddy graciously added. The guy was just awesome.

So now I have a story to tell my son when he grows up and wonders who the large man is in the picture who Daddy was all excited to meet. You know, the hassle of redoing the kitchen doesn’t seem as bad now.

ABC News and the Contest Winner

2009-08-11T15:10:00.000-07:00

OK, so the contest winner is… Bad Ass Geek. Not for guessing correctly, but for the sheer number of guesses. I love the enthusiasm. So I’ll be sending him a DVD since he already has the book.

So the contest is still sort of open. If anyone scrolls down and then finds the job I’ve never had, they’ll still win a free book or DVD. I have more.

Recently I did an interview with ABC News. Here’s the link:

http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=8272562

Now, it was a very surreal experience for a number of reasons. First of all, it taped in NY. I live in LA. I went down to the ABC affiliate and taped my segment there. I had never been in a newsroom before. It was small. No makeup, no nothing. Just a chair. Being a comic, other comics tell you to bring your own makeup. I didn’t have any. I borrowed my wife’s. I THINK we’re the same shade but I didn’t want to look shiny so I went with it.

I was nervous. No host in front of me, since she was in NY. I just listened in the earpiece and talked into the one camera in the whole studio. The crew guys were awesome. There’s just something about old union crew guys that just puts you at ease immediately. They talked to me, helped me to relax, and told me to stop checking my notes. The camera guys asked me for a signed book for the tech director who just had a baby. I gave him one. I learned to always bring extra books in case. Plus, you always want to keep the camera dude happy. Otherwise the host will be interviewing your feet.

The other reason that the whole thing was surreal was that the ABC lot was where I used to temp as a computer tech and then later worked as a writer for Port Charles. So it was really cool to go from being a temp on the lot to coming back as a guest. Not that anyone remembered or recognized me, but it was still really cool.

I remember when I was temping I has such a detachment about my job. I did the work, but the weird thing was I made all these crazy demands because I didn’t care, and they let me do whatever I wanted. Unlimited time off to go do stand-up, I was the highest paid tech although I was the least experienced, and I realized that it was so hard for them to get competent help that they put up with me because I did my job, didn’t complain, and made everyone laugh. I think that helped the most. I just didn’t care about having or losing the job. It’s the best bargaining position you can have.

I remember I even tried to sabotage the interview by showing up in jeans and answering a question incorrectly but honestly:
“What would you do if someone asks you for a keyboard extender but you know they don’t really need it?”
“I would give it to them, because it’s not worth the hassle.”
The interview ended with my boss saying “I’ll show you where your office will be.”

Then of course the tech bubble burst and all the internet tech support guys flooded back into the market and all the jobs were pretty much gone. But by then I had moved on to being a working and often not working writer.

So it was good to be back on the ABC lot. Sometimes your accomplishments are measured in years, others in moments. It was good to have a moment while sitting in a newsroom chair with my wife’s makeup on my face.

Contest Still Going, Stories and a Hint

2009-07-29T23:31:00.000-07:00

OK so the contest is still going. No one has guessed correctly yet but it’s giving me some ideas for blog posts.

Also, if you’re in the area I’m doing a Book Reading and Signing at the Chester County Book and Music Company in West Chester, PA this Saturday at 7:00 pm.

I used to do tech support. I would answer help desk calls. I got hired after exaggerating on my resume and learning on the job. I would temp at various places and at one point became an HP printer technician when I knew nothing about printers. Subcontracted, of course. I was getting $20 an hour and learned that HP charged the clients $120 an hour. Quite a markup. One day I was dispatched to an office. There was this huge printer there that I had no idea what to do with. So I took it apart and then still had no idea what to do. So when no one was looking in the office I... left. That’s right, I just left.

I told the dispatcher it was too hard of a job. They didn’t even get mad. They just sent a senior tech over the next day to put it back together and hopefully fix it.

So eventually I was temping over at the ABC lot. I was fixing the computer of the head writer’s office of Port Charles. I asked her if she was looking for writers. She said yes. I gave her a Grace under Fire Spec Script, and long story short, she hired me. I was then writer for Port Charles. While I was on my probationary period I still did tech support and would write in the office. Finally an exec in ABC New York wondered why they were paying me twice and I was then a full time writer and had to give up tech support.

When the head writer hired me, she told me “I want to hear the voice of your writing come through in every script. I want to know you wrote it without even looking at the title page” This was good advice and I had a blast writing for the show. AND I just wrote dialogue. I’d get the script breakdown and just write the dialogue. It was awesome.

Then, the head writer either left or got fired. You never really know which it is. She wasn’t getting along with the executive producer. That of course meant that everyone she hired had to go to “clean house”. The executive producer called me and said they were not renewing my contract. She said “You’re writing has a very distinct voice. We don’t want to hear it. We want all the writing to sound the same.” So I had been fired for the same reason I had gotten hired. Good old showbiz. Then the executive producer was soon gone and the show got cancelled.

In this story there is a HINT as to the job I have never had. Contest still open. Already guessed? Guess again!

And The Contest Winner is...

2009-07-22T16:57:00.000-07:00

No one. No one has guessed correctly yet. The contest is still open. But a number of good questions have been raised so here’s some more info:

The DVD, sadly, is not porn. It’s a collection of my short films that have been on the SCI FI Channel, HBO, and various festivals and have lots of comedians and actors who I begged into being in them like Paul F. Tompkins, Jay Johnston, Dean Cameron, Jennifer Elise Cox and Andy Kindler. Clowns, Hitmen, Leprechauns, Living Suits, Killer donuts and other weirdness.

I was indeed a spotter for American Gladiators and had to go to the hospital when a two story pyramid ran over my foot. My first job in Hollywood. The glamour!

I proofread vitamin labels as a temp job. One day I had to take off to tape Evening at the Improv. The next day I was back to work.

I worked for the Daily Local News in West Chester, PA and had to check the various police blotters for crimes.

I worked at a deli counter after I got fired from K-mart. (ah, but which job? Or both?) Same shopping center. Same shopping center I’m doing a book signing at next Saturday, August 1. Chester County Book and Music Company in West Chester, PA.

I have worked as a video game tester for Activision on Empires and I have worked at EA on Command and Conquer 3. I'm actually in the credits.

I’ve worked as a temp in various offices. One I almost walked out when my boss looked at old pizza in the fridge and called to me from the other side of the office and told me to throw it away instead of actually reaching in six inches in front of him and doing it himself.

So the contest remains open. Keep commenting with your guesses on the previous thread and I’ll tell you when we have a winner.

Free Book or DVD Contest!

2009-07-17T13:27:00.001-07:00

So I’m sitting in a hotel room in Vegas right now and I thought, why not have a little impromptu contest? Here's the deal: I’ve had many, many jobs. Here is the list. ONE of these jobs is a lie. I’m going to give a book OR DVD (your choice) to the first person who can figure out which job I never had. Leave a comment with your pick and the first one who gets it is the winner and can pick a free book or DVD. These are all things I got PAID to do. Except one. Okay, you can probably eliminate two of the choices right away due to what the actual prizes are…

K-Mart Checkout Supervisor
General Assignment Journalist
Crime Reporter
Spotter for the American Gladiators
Vitamin Label Proofreader
Sitcom writer
Production Assistant
Help Desk Tech Support
Screenwriter
Deli counter employee
Author
Music and Movie stock guy for Clover retail stores
Director
Soap Opera Writer
Stand-up Comic
Producer
Office Temp
K-Mart “cash cage” employee
Video Game Tester

Like I said, ONE of these jobs I've never had. Which is it? Cue Jeopardy theme...

What I've Learned About Blogging. So Far.

2009-07-09T13:55:00.001-07:00

I really didn’t get it at first. I didn’t see the point. I also thought: Who would want to read a stream of consciousness from anyone, including me?

The thing is, I got a book deal and everyone immediately told me I had to have a blog. Why? To get a book deal. OK. No, wait--. Alright so I just learned I had done things in reverse. So I started a blog.

I didn’t like blogging at first and wasn’t even sure if I was doing it right. My posts were long; I would take days to write them and then go over and edit them before I posted them. OK, it may not seem like it, but I did. Then I realized it didn’t matter. You can do what you want. It’s your blog. I can talk about chicken wings if I want to and for as long as I want to. I’m not saying I won’t but ... OK we’ll see.

My only readers at first were my family and a few friends, and even then I think they were lying. I redesigned the blog and got some tips from the designer. “If you want people to read your blog, comment on other blogs.” Huh? I thought there were bloggers and readers, right? Wrong. Bloggers ARE readers. It’s a community and almost like a self-feeding ecosystem. Like those shrimp filled ecospheres you can get at Brookstone in the mall. Let me digress a moment here: I have one, and a while back I stupidly broke it while reaching for a light switch in the dark. I didn’t have the heart to throw it away so I called the company and they said to put the whole thing in Tupperware with water so I did.

There is one shrimp still alive and it is now older than my daughter. I’m guessing around 6 years old. When I lost my office to the new baby I had to move the shrimp into my daughter’s room. It’s still alive although she could care less about it. That’s the great thing though: Broken Ecosphere in water in Tupperware—no maintenance.

So I reluctantly blogged away and even guest blogged because I thought I was supposed to. But then something funny happened on the way to the forum. After a while I found I actually enjoyed blogging although I don’t update more than once or twice a week and interestingly, I feel like I’ve made some new friends. Bloggers meeting other bloggers, you feel like you’re virtually hanging out with them. That I didn’t expect and it’s pretty cool. I’m starting to get it now. Twitter, not so much, but blogging, yes.

I also got some help from some other bloggers and I have slowly adding them all to the links list on the right. You can visit them. They’re cool.

So thanks for stopping by and I’ll try and swing by your place periodically. After all, we have to keep the shrimp alive.

Two Random Thoughts

2009-07-03T16:56:00.000-07:00

Couldn’t really gel a coherent blog post, so here are two random thoughts:

I bought Quark the TV series while the Virgin Megastore was going out of business. It was one of my favorite shows as a kid, even though there were only eight episodes. Intergalactic trash, a depressed robot and the Doublemint twins. Sounds great, right? Actually, no it doesn’t sound that great, and you know what, after watching it again, it really was one of the worst shows ever made. And yet, I enjoyed the nostalgia as I watched it. It was the visual equivalent of holding that old, moldy teddy bear from your youth and thinking it was the best toy ever. I wonder if that will happen to my kids with Dragon Tales.

SECONDLY, as we were driving home yesterday on Coldwater Canyon someone posted a sign that said “Whoever took my bowl of perennials, please return it.” This made us both burst out laughing. The time it would have taken to make the sign, you could have planted a new bowl of perennials. Time management, people.

If only it were that easy to fix things. With signs. “Whoever really stole the heiress’ jewelry and framed me for the job, please confess” “I’ve worked for years at the same menial job and would like a raise and a promotion” “Please stop telling me Ryan Reynolds is a star” “Get Jon and Kate or at least Paris Hilton off my television permanently” What would your sign say?

Hot Chicks Beating the Shit Out of Each Other

2009-06-25T09:31:00.000-07:00

Now, I’m home during the day with the baby. I know that first sentence doesn’t really match the blog entry title, but stay with me. It will. Like I said, I’m home with the baby. In order to pass the time during bottle feedings I put the TV on and browse through Time Warner Cable’s lame and random on-demand programming selections. This one fateful day, I stumbled upon the music section which had videos of bands I had never heard of. Granted it’s been a while since I’ve been up on the latest bands, but what the hell. I’ll check it out. Choose Rock, Metal, got it.

I stumbled on a video by Rev Theory called “Light it Up.” I was like a deer caught in headlights. The band was playing in some kind of basement but it was like some kind of fight club, but with hot chicks. You heard me. Hot chicks drinking bottles of vodka and then beating the shit out of each other. Scantily clad, of course. And the band was old school metal.

All the staples were there: screaming, long hair, tattoos, partying, implied alcohol and drug use. Okay, maybe not so much implied as overt. And they were clearly having the time of their lives. I realized that I had just seen the first almost anti-post modern heavy metal testosterone drenched video fantasy. Sex AND violence at the exact same time! Like video peanut butter and chocolate for guys. Of course if they could have added actual peanut butter and chocolate… OK, maybe the sequel.

I couldn’t tell you what the song was about. I couldn’t even really make out or remember one word of it. Al I know is that the video was… viscerally absurd... and it reached in and grabbed my brain through the eyeballs.

Just one note to the director: When you’re shooting fight sequences, even fake girl on girl pugilism, film your “actresses” from an angle where we can’t see the near misses during punch fests, OK? Quit making it harder for me to suspend disbelief!

At one point one the well endowed chicks gets knocked down. She gets back up, grabs her large breasts in defiance and comes back swinging. Damn! I felt a warm glow inside. What could be more patriotic than a hot blonde chick with big tits who won't stay down?

I watched the video multiple times, for various reasons. It was mesmerizing every time. I think I learned something at the end. I’m not sure what, but I think it has something to do with the fact that while I just saw the perfect music video, if I ever saw my daughter in one like this I would probably hang myself.

I Did My First National Radio Show...

2009-06-19T16:01:00.000-07:00

I did my first national radio show last week. I’ll cut to the chase: It was a disaster. Being a comic, I’m no stranger to radio. I’ve done a fair amount of it over the years and I’ve been doing some to promote the book. But this was a big national one and I was really excited about it.
I got up crazy early, did a Baltimore station which you can hear here:

http://wbal.com/apps/news/templates/story.aspx?articleid=29525&zoneid=9

Which was fun.

Then I did another one. I’m not even going to name it because I don’t want you to try and find an archive to hear how awful it was. But I was excited, and I had even taken a class about “Impact in Media” and I had my notes with me. I was in the garage by the phone ready to go.

So I was ready. Or so I thought. So my segment began and the host talked over me the whole time. I thought the whole point of having a guest on was to let him talk. So I was a little off guard and the few sentences I did get through sounded nervous and disjointed. Needless to say my message did NOT get out. I would be surprised if one person bought the book from that “interview.” It lasted less than two minutes.

But that wasn’t all. I wanted to know why the whole interview felt so off so I got an archive of the show from the website. Maybe it sounded better than I thought. Nope. It didn’t sound like anything at all. When I listened to my segment from the archive, I realized something even worse. I wasn’t being talked over. I was still on hold half the time I was talking. I wasn’t talking to an audience, I was talking to the equivalent of a very attentive dial tone. I had gotten up at 3:30 am to talk to myself which I could have and often do anyway in the privacy of my own bedroom. Quietly of course, as to not wake up the wife.

The thing is, as horrible as it was, would I do it again? Yes. It’s so hard to get your message out that even if you have less than 30 seconds MAYBE you can get it through. Advertisers do it all the time. And it’s difficult to get air time if you’re not a celebrity or a politician in the middle of a scandal. So you take what you can get and try and make the best of it.

So lesson learned. I think. It may have something to do with learning to talk faster or trying to psychically determine if you are on hold or not. Actually, I’m not really sure I learned anything. You know, I often think I’m learning a lesson even when I’m not. I think it’s some type of defense mechanism for being slightly detached from reality. I don’t know how useful it is, but it’s like having cool refreshing rationalization always on tap. Bartender…

Rebel Girl

2009-06-14T12:17:00.000-07:00

I’ve wanted to buy the video game Rock Band for a while but it was kinda pricey, like over $180! So when I saw that the Hollywood Virgin Megastore was going out of business I jumped in like a vulture eyeing an overturned stagecoach. There is was, Rock Band 2 for the Playstation 3 discounted to around $90. Score! Audge gave me “the look” but then also realized it looked like fun and approved the purchase.

So we got it home and it took forever to setup the guitar, drums, and microphone and figure out how to work everything. But then we were off! I played guitar, Audge played the drums, and Bella sang (even though she can’t read yet) and Griffin bounced happily in the jumparoo.

Bella’s favorite song was Eye of the Tiger by Survivor, the most ironically named band ever. At first she liked the song because they played it so much at pre-school. OK, it was cheesy when it first came out (we all knew it back then) and I have to say it works perfectly in a pre-school environment. “Music for little ears” as the annoying Baby-Einstein sales pitch goes.

But then, Bella discovered another song by Bikini Kill called Rebel Girl. Then all of a sudden something clicked in her four year old brain. She had never heard music like this before. Between The Wiggles and 80’s Pop at pre-school, Rise Against and Coldplay from me and Michael Jackson and Chaka Khan from my wife, there really wasn’t any screeching Grrrrl (I’m never sure how many “R”s to put) power punk anthems that had reached her little girl being. Until now.

She wanted to do the song again over and over and over and over. She got good at it. I didn’t even have to use the guitar save at all. She was even learning all the words. Thankfully, Rock Band omits certain words and phrases that would cause some uncomfortable conversations, so she doesn’t need to know about them just yet. Let her learn cursing and derogatory slang in school, the way we did.

Through music and a video game, I think I got a glimpse of what was to come. It was a weird moment, and you never know when those moments are going to occur. At that moment I knew our daughter would grow up to be powerful, willful and strong. She would be her own woman and follow her own path. I also knew the teen years were going to be a real pain in the ass. Thankfully I still have almost 10 years to prepare. By then we should have brain-chip tracking systems installed, right? Whatever the future holds, I know it will be a blast and I’ll always be there for my little Rebel Girl.

Two Comedians and a Baby Running an Internet Company in the Garage.

2009-06-10T15:18:00.001-07:00

I did a guest blog over at Our Milk Money. Enjoy!

http://ourmilkmoney.blogspot.com/2009/06/two-comedians-and-baby-running-internet.html

Pacify Me Book Update

2009-06-09T14:43:00.000-07:00

First off, I'd like to thank all the Bloggers for their support and help getting the word out. You guys all rock.

http://wheelsonthebus.wordpress.com/
http://www.babyonbored.blogspot.com/
http://www.mommywantsvodka.com/
http://notnani.blogspot.com/
http://ourmilkmoney.com/

With more to come! Want to get in on the action? Have a blog or a website with (ahem) some modest traffic and want to review the book? Let me know. E-mail me (click the Monty Python image on the right) and I'll see if I can make some arrangements.

Also, if you want a book SIGNED AND PERSONALIZED you can buy it from Comedy Film Nerds.

www.comedyfilmnerds.com/mancini_pacifyme

You can have it made out to whoever you want, and whatever you come up with it won't be weirder than anything that's already been submitted from "World's Best Dad", "Worst Dad Ever" to "The Lone Horseman of the Apocalypse" Be creative!

Thank you, Internet.

PS The Blogger Spellcheck didn't recognize the word "Bloggers". Nice.

Hey Moronic Nosy Person: Go Away.

2009-06-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

I went out to lunch with my Mom and we took my 11 month old son, Griffin. My son likes to eat. He just really does. A few months ago he refused baby food and wants anything that even closely resembles food, like strands of carpet and paper. He even actually scrapes the carpet with his hand to make new pulls that he can separate from the pack and eat. Like some kind on diapered lion-like predator on the carpet-covered Serengeti, he tried to separate one of those juicy carpet pulls from the rest of the pack to eat it.

So we were eating at the restaurant and Griffin was shoveling bits of French toast and fruit into his mouth. At his normal pace, which is fast and with a fair amount of volume. God bless him, he’s gotten the eating part down.

But then out of nowhere this nosy, annoying woman appears and get right near my son and goes “He’s choking!” WHAT?! I looked at my son. He wasn’t choking. He was fine. What the hell was this woman’s problem? All my son did was open his mouth and let out a tiny little gag. He had shoved a bit too much food in his mouth but it was all soft and moved easily. We gave him some water and it was fine. Is that what this woman does all day?! Go to restaurants and look for choking people?! This idiotic member of the food police really pissed me off.

Hey, retard, don’t you think I would fucking know if my child was choking? I was sitting right across from him and he was facing me. Keep away from my child and your big fat nose out of my business.

Now if Griffin couldn’t breathe and was turning beet red while I sipped a Margarita, that’s a different story. But all he did was gag a little. Believe it or not, babies do that from time to time. Then this moronic woman tried to cover up her egregious stupidity just by waving and saying hi to my lovely child. I was getting angrier and maybe she noticed because she then quickly walked away. I was so irritated I ALMOST said something. But I didn’t and it wasn’t necessary. But then where to vent? Hey, that’s what the internet is for. Man, I feel better.

McDonald's Sucks Even Harder Now

2009-05-24T12:55:00.001-07:00

I take Griffin to the mall at least once a week. He’s almost a year old, and gets angry when I keep in the house too long. He starts climbing the walls, literally, like a mental patient, until I take him out. So I was taking Griffin around on our weekly and sometimes bi-weekly trip to the mall when I noticed something very amiss.

Now, the mall is a temple of consumerism, I get that. But it also has some beauty, like sculptures and fountains. Or at least, it did. That day, we walked past the fountain like we normally did, but then I stopped. Or, I should say we walked where the fountain used to be. I had to keep looking because it didn’t register right away, and I thought to myself, now THAT ISN’T RIGHT.

The fountain had been drained. The sculpture in its center removed. In its place was a new statue: That of a giant McDonald’s coffee cup replete with whipped cream and a statue of a guy climbing on it, to advertise the new McCafe coffee drinks.

Different descriptive terms swirled in my head from “piece of shit” to “abomination”. It was horrible. They took out the one piece of non-commercial beautification in the mall and made it into a tacky shrine of overconsumption. It was bad enough it was an ad, but to show how huge it was an insult on top of a grotesquery. It’s like they were saying, ”Don’t just eat and drink our fat and chemically laden food, eat and drink them in huge quantities. We, as fast food purveyors, simply cannot kill you fast enough. What’s taking so long?”

We want our kids to eat healthier, sure. We still do fast food, but only In and Out Burger because it’s fresh, not full of chemicals, a family owned business, and they pay their employees a decent wage. Oh, and it tastes the best too. Win-Win-Win.

Maybe I’ve overreacted because I’ve read Fast Food Nation, which was an eye opener. But we’ve never taken the kids to the fast food chains and it will be a rare occurrence if we do. I remember once for Bella’s birthday someone gave her a $5.00 coupon for a happy meal at McDonald’s, saying it was a tradition for them. We thanked them, knew they meant well and then later threw it in the trash.

My Book PACIFY ME is out now!

2009-05-15T14:06:00.000-07:00

It was quite a day for me on Tuesday. My book, PACIFY ME, A HANDBOOK FOR THE FREAKED OUT NEW DAD came out. May 12th, the release date. So I put Griffin in the car and drove to Borders Books. I had to see it for myself.

I walked in and immediately looked at the new released. Surely it would be in the center, right? Non-fiction? Check. OK, not there.

So I started looking around for myself. There were no employees with all the cutbacks everyone is making. It was a two floor Borders and I think there was only one person per floor, and they looked annoyed. Like me.

Finally I asked someone who looked like they were trying to avoid me where the parenting section was. I found it and looked for my book. Nope. OK, time to look for help. Let’s see: no one, no one, no one, a tumbleweed, OK, a bored girl stocking a shelf. Great. She looked up the book and found it. She brought me to the parenting section and looked. It wasn’t there. She looked perplexed. “Maybe it’s in the back,” she said and went into “the back” to look for it.

She may have gone into “the back” but she didn’t “come back”. I waited and waited and Griffin was getting fidgety. So I went to the bargain books and found a kids book with big alien faces and googly eyes. 10 moth old heaven. He loved it so I brought it to the register to pay for it.
There was a long line. When I say long, I mean there was one person in front of me that seemed to be reading the dictionary to the one cashier on duty. Well, if the girl was lost in the “back” that only left one other employee to run the rest of the store. So I had to wait. Impatiently. Finally when this idiot in front of me finished his two hour transaction, and as I was about to check out, the lost back room stock girl found me. She held my book in her hands. She said to me “It was under a lot of crates. I had to really dig to find it.”

Great. My book was buried, and not even in the part of the store with the actual customers. But then I was already in line and this girl did go to a lot of effort to get the book. So I felt a bit guilty. So… I bought the book. Yes, I ended up paying full price for my own book. It was a weird feeling. It filled me with a mix of pride and stupidity.

Now, the publisher told me release dates for books are not like movies. In fact, my release date was moved up so the bookstores could have time to get the book out and on a father’s day display-- WEEKS later. Unless of course you’re Dan Brown or J.K. Rowling. Then release dates are kinda like movies. And I think this is a good thing. Slowly, books are getting outmuscled by movies, television, the internet, and video games. So when there is a big event for a book being released it’s awesome because it reminds everyone that hey, books are cool, cheap, and the best entertainment for your brain. Come on back. They miss you. Oh, and if you don’t see MY book on the shelf, please ask for it. I’m sure it’s in the building somewhere.

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T13:56:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to say it. We went out to breakfast to Jinky's, a neighborhood breakfast place, and it was packed at 8:30 am. I was too late to make a reservation at the Cheesecake Factory for their special brunch but I assured my wife there were plenty of other LA eateries happy to overcharge for an omelet.

So we had a great breakfast, and you know in a restaurant you are on a strict time schedule. After about twenty minutes (30 if you’re lucky) it’s fidget followed by meltdown followed by a police report. Anytime I’m in a restaurant with the kids, as I frantically search for the waitress I glance and smile at the little darlings but in my head I just hear tick, tick, tick, tick, etc.

But all was well. We got them out while still in the fidget stage.

I got Audge two pairs of pajama comfort pants to “replace the rags she wears at night”. I don't care "how comfortable they are". Get rid of them. OK, perhaps I should not have written that in the card, but too late now.

So it’s a special day, and all Moms deserve it. They are the unsung heroes of the world and should be treated well this special day. And occasionally, they even deserve new pants.

Saturday is Errand Day!

2009-05-03T20:59:00.001-07:00

Remember when Saturdays meant getting up late, relaxing, maybe watching a movie, cartoons, or doing nothing for a few hours? You know, a hundred years ago before you had kids? We do too. But now, we’re in errand mode every weekend because there is always a million things to pick up or get fixed.

The Saturday usually starts with the dreaded “list” of all the things we have to do and things we have to get. Then it becomes an intense courtroom negotiation, where I try to plea bargain us down to just Target and the food store.

This Saturday, we went to Bed Bath and Beyond to replace a rusty cookie sheet and a bathroom rug that was disintegrating right before our eyes, Aaron Brothers to get frames for pics of the kids (understandable), and Staples to get envelopes to send out the pictures of the kids and two new phones to replace the ones that barely worked. We had one phone in the bedroom where the 9 and the 5 stopped working. Before we had kids, rusty cookie sheets and old phones would have been out the door quicker than Jon from Jon and Kate Plus Jailbait, er I mean Eight.” On a side note, I find it absolutely hilarious that there is actual paparazzi in Pennsylvania, and that they are stalking a guy with a reality show whose only claim to fame is that he didn’t really understand the consequences of fertility drugs. Take that, Paris Hilton.

But anyway, there’s just not enough time to do everything, and stuff falls through the cracks. So we load the kids in the car and try to get everything done before one has a meltdown. Our record is about four stops. Sure we could go for five, but why push it?

We ate lunch at Carneys which is a railway car restaurant that serves burgers and dogs. I was very disappointed that there weren’t actual Carnies behind the counter, but what are you gonna do. By the way, it’s overrated. Food is quite meh. But the kids love eating in a train. I guess. The initial thrill wore off for mine in about two minutes. But then again, maybe they were looking for the carnies too.

One thing I’ve learned, is that there is always going to be a million things to do. You just can’t get crazy about it. So what I’m saying is, when one button stops working on your phone, you probably need new tires.

The Monkey in the Mall

2009-04-21T13:46:00.000-07:00

I was walking in the mall with my family and Bella suddenly said, “Daddy, there’s a monkey in the mall.” Humoring her, I said, “Wow, that’s pretty cool.”

So we kept walking through Macy’s, past the overpriced T-shirts with skulls on them (who knew Goth would be so fashionable, Ed Hardy?) and soon we were out into the mall. A couple with a pet carrier went past us.

“There’s the monkey again,” exclaimed Bella.

“Honey, that’s a dog,” I replied condescendingly. Many “eccentric” people seem to think their little dogs like to be wheeled around in pet carriers at the mall. I’d seen it many times before. But Bella was not letting up.

“No, it’s a monkey.”

Okay, so now I was interested in seeing what kind of dog could actually look like a monkey. So I caught up to the people pushing the cat carrier. Sure enough, there was a monkey inside. A really, really, annoyed monkey. My first response (in my head) was: What the Fuck?! What type of crazy person owns a monkey, and then thinks the monkey needs to be taken for a walk at the mall in a cat carrier. Clearly the monkey did not agree. He looked scared and agitated.

Now I looked at the couple. They looked like an old Russian couple, and all I could think of were Russian circus performers who sought asylum in America 20 years ago, and somehow managed to convince customs officials to let them keep their monkey. Better than a dancing bear, I suppose.

We kept our distance from the potential star of Outbreak and wondered how far monkeys could really through their shit. Past the fountain, or all the way to Cinnabon? We didn’t stick around to find out.

Next time, when my daughter says something like “I just saw a rocket car” or “That elephant isn’t in his cage”, and we’re in Los Angeles, I will be more inclined to believe her.

Sometimes You Just Need a Break

2009-04-10T10:31:00.000-07:00

It was building up all week. My wife had gone on a business trip to Seattle, leaving me with both kids for the better part of 48 hours. Now Bella had daycare, so that helped, but the mornings and evenings were pretty tough. I made it clear no one was going to get a bath, including me, in that period. That would have been like playing with fire. If fire was water, and well, you know what I mean.

And yes, I cheated. The first casualty after cleanliness is nutrition. In and Out Burger one night, turkey sandwiches the next. Any longer and we would have had pizza, Chinese food, and anything else that could be delivered and eaten on paper plates. So meals, check. That just left mornings, bedtime, and the eight hours alone with the baby in between. It was a feat of scheduling and patience, and one I almost lost. But I kept explaining to Bella that everything was much harder because Mommy was away and I needed her help and for her to be extra-good. That’s right, I guilt-tripped a four year old, and it worked 70% of the time.

After what seems like two years, my wife was home. All was well and as it should be. But not quite. She then “reminded” me she had a hair appointment after work and wouldn’t be home until later Friday night. I asked her to reschedule it. She said no. Fair enough. But that left me ANOTHER night home alone with both kids on the heels of the business trip. And the baby wasn’t sleeping through the night so I was exhausted and almost out of patience.

Then the coup de grace. On Friday night, as I kept looking out into the driveway every eight minutes to see if my wife was home, the phone rings. It’s my wife, saying she’s going to be at least an hour later since the hair dresser was taking longer than usual. I was so angry I hung up on her. Now, I say I was angry, but I have to say I didn’t really blame her. She could have told the hairdresser “My husband is alone with the kids. Could you please hurry this up so I can get back and help him out?” No sane woman would ever say this. She just wanted to relax in a chair with minimal screaming around her and just zone out for two hours. The bottom line was she needed a break. I totally got it.

Now, when she finally did get home she looked at me and said, “OK, I got this. Why don’t you go see Watchmen?” It was an unwritten rule. One of the keys to keeping sane in the process of raising kids is knowing when your partner has had enough. She knew. I was out the door in under four seconds.

Now Watchmen is a long movie. I felt my whole body unwind as I sat alone in the movie theater. It was quite relaxing as I watched the threat of nuclear annihilation, my favorite character Rorschach brutalize prison inmates, and of course Dr. Manhattan’s large blue nuclear penis. Okay, that made me a bit uncomfortable.

But it was what I needed. I needed a break. When the movie ended I walked slowly back to the car, and then I stopped. I got an ice cream cone. I sat and ate it with the other teenagers. Damn, it was good. Coffee ice cream with chocolate covered espresso beans. Yum. And yet I don’t like to drink coffee. But make it cold and a solid and I’m all over it.

So I got home and felt better. My wife and I both understand that we each need a break sometimes. So be in tune with your partner and know when they need to tag out. Of course, if you both need a break, then it’s time to call the relatives and offer them an all expense paid trip to your house. Act now! Operators are standing by…

How Strong is Batman?

2009-04-05T13:20:00.000-07:00

This question came up as I drove to the airport to pick up my mother. Since the WB took Spiderman off the air, Bella and I have discovered the new show Batman: The Brave and the Bold show on Cartoon Network. It’s cool. It’s got a retro-superhero vibe to it and is brighter and more fun than the other Batman shows. So we were watching it last night on the DVR and as we were driving, Bella said “Batman is really strong.”
“Yes, he is really strong.”
“Is he stronger than you?”
“Yes, I believe Batman is stronger than me.” No sense in lying. Eventually she would probably figure out that Batman was stronger than me. So I posed my own question: “You know who is stronger than Batman?”
“Who?”
“Superman.”
We then proceeded to talk about all of the things Superman could pick up, from her baby brother to a building. Finally she asked if Superman was strong enough to pick up the whole world. I said no, but he could fly really fast backwards around the whole world and turn back time. I think that’s where I lost her. That’s okay. One heroic deed at a time.

So I’m slowly introducing her to the DC Universe, and she now knows Green Arrow and Blue Beetle. Although Blue Beetle is really annoying.

I anticipate I will be asked the ultimately question very soon: Who would win in a fight, Batman or Superman? That is a discussion for another day and has been raging for nerd-years. Superman is stronger, but Batman always has Kryptonite with him. Yet Superman knows Batman has Kryptonite with him… etc. But I’m looking forward to it. Frankly, I’m curious to hear my four year old’s insight on this.

Why I STILL Love and Hate Whole Foods Market

2009-03-26T10:10:00.000-07:00

Sure, I said this before, like when I said I love Whole Foods because I enjoy watching overly thin women in baseball caps take two hours to pick the right vitamin, but now I have even more reasons why I both love and hate thee, Whole Foods Market.

Firstly, now that the economy is going south, you are actually putting things on sale. “Simply Orange” orange juice, under $3.00? A reasonable price? Are you having a going out of business sale? I love your food, and love your low prices more! But quit hiding them! It’s not a “secret sale”. They do try to fool you with the $2.00 can of tuna right next to the $5 one. Which will you pick in your haste to get home before the baby starts crying? Do you feel lucky?

I took my eight month old son there and normally he is good in supermarkets and looks around contentedly. Sitting in his carrier up high on the handlebars he looks around like he’s on a Disney ride. But not today. Today, he screamed his head off causing every judgmental woman around me to look over and see what was going on. I saw the look they were giving me, like “I wonder if that’s really his kid.” So I quickly took him out of his carrier and held him. He stopped crying immediately and all the nosy women around me seem to breathe a sigh of relief. That never happens at Trader Joe’s, by the way. There are much less judgmental shoppers there who are just interested in getting a box of Cranberry Crunch cereal or a $2.00 bottle of wine from a brand that shouldn’t really exist than to see why a baby is crying. But I held the baby the whole time and did all my shopping with one hand, which was kinda hard.

Lastly, I was Angelina Jolie at my whole foods store, the day of the Academy Awards. Or was it Golden Globes? I don’t remember. I do remember seeing a very thin woman in an overcoat, hat, and sunglasses analyzing mangos. As soon as you see someone in warm sunny LA in an overcoat, hat, and sunglasses, you know it’s a celebrity. Nothing screams “I’m a celebrity in disguise” faster than dressing like a 50s secret agent. But then there was something familiar about her disguise, and I realized she was wearing the same clothes as she wore in The Changeling. So it was a retro disguise as well. Now it’s entirely possible that this was a crazy person dressed up like Angelina Jolie, who was concerned about getting organic fruit. But I don’t think so. I think it was the real deal, and yes, I left her alone. Scott Baio I may have said hi to, although I didn’t when I saw him at the Ralph’s a few years ago. But next time, I might. We’ll see.

So with your good food, high prices, hidden celebrities and even more hidden sales, our love-hate relationship will continue, Whole Foods Market. For as long as I can afford it.

Happy Valentine's Day

2009-02-16T21:17:00.000-08:00

I’ve never liked Valentine’s Day. A holiday manufactured by retailers and often all it does is mock single people. But this year, my Mom was in town and we could go out. Kid Free for a nice romantic evening. Any excuse to actually go out, I’m down. So my wife thought we should go out for dinner and a movie, our favorite date since our early twenties.

But then I did some research and saw that my favorite play was being performed in Santa Monica: Macbeth. I asked my wife if she wanted to see it on Valentine’s Day. She coyly replied that it wasn’t very romantic, it being Valentine’s Day and all. “Doesn’t he get beheaded in the end?”

Okay, so maybe it’s not what you call a light play, but it explores human nature, unbridled ambition, and doing horrible things to obtain power. It explores questions about free will and destiny, and if we really are masters of our will, or just hurdling towards a preordained prophecy, regardless of our actions or how much we try and fight it. What could be more romantic than that?

So we had an amazing two hour dinner at Le Petit Restaurant and then sadly missed the last showing of Slumdog Millionaire. But it was fine. We enjoyed ourselves and for the first time I really didn’t mind being manipulated by a commercially manufactured holiday. We had a little wine and before you knew it I was saying to the waiter, "Lay on, Macduff, And damned be him that first cries: Hold, enough!" My wife just told me to sit down and finish my cobbler.

How I Knew Not To Take My Four Year Old to See Coraline.

2009-02-09T09:17:00.000-08:00

Guest Blogging again over at www.ourmilkmoney.blogspot.com Enjoy!

http://ourmilkmoney.blogspot.com/2009/02/how-i-knew-not-to-take-my-four-year-old.html

Chris

My Three Year Old Wants to Smoke

2009-01-25T11:17:00.001-08:00

When you have a three year old, she wants to do everything she sees someone else doing. It started at around two, when we were in line waiting for the Monsters Inc ride at Disneyland and another parent swung their kid up high while waiting in line. She looked at me and said “I want to do that.” So we did it. I swung her and the line finally moved and we got on the ride. It’s not bad. Not great, but not bad. At this point, I expect a little bit more from my robotics than a blink and a hand gesture, but I’m highly critical of cybernetic technology. It’s not the 50s anymore. I’m just saying.

So this “I want to do that: continued with everything from seeing someone drive a truck, ride a bus, or watching Spiderman spin a web, any size, and then catch thieves just like flies. Look out! Here comes the Spiderman… And yes, I trashed that WB new Spiderman show before, but once I got past the weird character design, it’s actually a pretty good show. Bella and I watch it together every Saturday Morning. She also wants to now go to high school and fight the Green Goblin, but one thing at a time.

We went out to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory last night, always an adventure with two kids, and when Bella got antsy I took her to walk around the rim of the small fountain. I held her hand and she loved walking around it until the security guard told us to stop. He said we could throw money in, though, that was okay. Geez. Thanks.

So we were sitting there, not walking around the fountain when Bella pointed to someone who sat near us. “I want to do what that man is doing.” She said.
“What Man?”
“That Man, right there.”
“I looked over at it was a man smoking. Then I looked again and realized it was actually a woman. The irony almost made me laugh out loud. I kept thinking of that “Smoking is Beautiful” poster they had up in high school with this wrinkled old ugly man smoking.
So I said, “No Bella, You can’t smoke. It’s a filthy disgusting habit.” The problem is the man/woman heard me. She/he gave me a look and walked away with a puff of smoke. I then added, a bit too loudly, “And it’s not a man, it’s a woman.”

Our daughter is becoming more away of the world around her, and that means more explanations and some creative verbal improv without the help of the audience yelling “freeze”. Good thing I have a lot to say.

Another Interesting Year

2009-01-19T07:44:00.000-08:00

Living in LA is like living in another world. It’s really true. When you are raising a family in LA the normal and mundane collides with the absurd on a quite regular basis. Right now I am staying home with our new baby and will be for the next year or so. But I’m still working in the entertainment industry and living in LA so it never really becomes normal. How do those two things combine? Like oil and water, and here’s the thing: I’m not complaining. I like the unpredictability and excitement in my life but now it’s tempered with routine and a hint of normalcy.

I am just finishing up my book which will be out June 2 called PACIFY ME: A HANDBOOK FOR THE FREAKED OUT NEW DAD. Audge works during the day so after baby duty during the day for me then I’ve been working at night. So we’re both pulling double shifts and have never looked so forward to relatives coming out to visit. “Yes, it’s good to see you, Mom and Dad. Please take these children. We’ll be back in four hours. Maybe.”

But like I said it’s another world. In between taking care of our baby I’ve been writing a book, doing a radio interview here and there, performed on stage in vegas when we can coordinate a visit with a relative to watch the baby for the week, and been working on my website http://www.comedyfilmnerdsdotcom.com/ with my partner comedian Graham Elwood. We find it very fun to play internet mogul once a week in my garage. And yes, Griffin is there for every one of our meetings. Often he participates will loud outbursts during the reading of the minutes, and his opinions are duly noted.

So it could be a very interesting year. Once again a year mixed with hard work, fun, difficulties and unpredictability. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The Cat is Trying to Spoon Me

2009-01-10T19:54:00.000-08:00

We have a really weird cat. Her name is Avatar and she was a four month old stray that scared the shit out of Audrey right before we got married. Audge was going out to do laundry in the laundry room of our apartment complex and she came back in scared. I asked her what was wrong. She said a possum just chased her back up the steps. Now we did have possums in the complex, which as weird enough for Park Labrea, but I had never heard of one chasing someone up steps before. When I opened the door to check, a little starving white four month old kitten greeted me, meowing. Obviously the first thing I said was "Does that look like a possum to you?"
"...Well, it did in the dark," my wife replied.

We kept the cat and it was most grateful. She would greet us at the door, sleep in bed with us, and stay on our laps when we watched television. She was our baby.

But then of course we had actual babies. And sadly, pets don't quite get the attention that they are used to when a child or two comes along. Now our cat was cool about it and never showed anything more than disinterest for either child. And still doesn't, really, even though Bella is almost four. As if she made up her mind to ignore our children until they leave for college. Her choice.

But every once in a while the cat lets me know it's not cool. Like last night. Instead of sleeping at the foot of the bed, she snuggled right up into the crook of my arm and then when I turned over I felt her lie down and lean against my back. She was telling me, "I know these little people seemed to suddenly appear and get all the attention, but don't forget who was here first. If you do, I may just "forget" where my litter box is. Consider this your only notice."

So we try to give the cat a little more attention. But we're just so freaking tired. She understands. Okay, no she doesn't. But she should. She sleeps fourteen hours a day, for Pete's sake. She's tired and all she does is stretch, purr, and give us periodic guilt-inducing looks.

The Blog, Book Deals, and Doing Things in Reverse

2008-12-05T11:31:00.000-08:00

I am working on the Blog. In more ways than one. I have started to learn about layouts and gadgets and html and all sorts of stuff that is making my head hurt.

The thing is, I did things in reverse. Nowadays it's all the rage to be a big blogger and then get a book deal. Well, I sorta got a book deal first and now I'm working on getting my blog presentable for when the book releases on June 2, 2009. "My Life is Over: A handbook for the freaked-out new Dad" will be out in bookstores just in time for Father's day.

I could not be happier about getting a book deal, obviously. It's something I've been working on for over 2 years, and it feels odd that I'm actually going to have to let it go soon. Kind of like being a parent, I suppose.

So think of my blog as a learning experience. Well, for me. All you have to do is read and judge. Now that I've turned the book in and I am waiting for notes I will have a little more time to devote to it. It will start to get prettier, I swear. I am taking the hands on approach and that will continue until you see a blog post filled with cursing, and then about 2 hours later I will probably hire someone.

I will be updating the blog more and give you the skinny on how the book deal came about and how it's going. I'll also be adding gadgets and all sorts of things that I don't really understand.

So let's take this journey into the dark, dense global village together, shall we? Maybe I can borrow your flashlight.

My Father, the Financial Genius

2008-11-04T14:25:00.000-08:00

I haven't been around much. Sorry. I've been working on the book and adusting to becoming a stay at home author/comedian/filmmaker.

But I did manage to write one for Our Milk Money. Enjoy:

http://ourmilkmoney.blogspot.com/2008/11/my-father-financial-genius.html

She Just Ran Right Out of the House

2008-10-04T12:06:00.001-07:00

We were getting delivery one night and Bella likes to answer the door with me. As I was paying the delivery man Bella decided, for the first time, she was just going to bolt right out of the house. At first the delivery guy laughed but then as Bella kept running he stopped and walked quickly to his car. It was getting a little uncomfortable, because she wasn’t coming back.

So I chased my daughter who was of course trying to escape. She ran down the driveway and then across the lawn and then into the neighbor’s lawn where I finally caught up to her. She was laughing and thought it was a big joke, and then mentioned that I was gripping her arm a bit tightly.

This was something I was kind of expecting, and dreading. Mainly because short of an electronic collar (which isn’t as bad of an idea as it sounds) a three year old is really capable of going anywhere at anytime.

Everything ran through my head at once, like what if she ran out into the street and was hit by a car, ran and I couldn’t find her, ran and was plucked up into the sky by a giant raven, etc. It scared me and yet I knew those moments were coming. Somehow, that didn’t help.

So we had a talk with her about not running out of the house and while we were having this serious discussion with her we both knew in her head all she was hearing was the theme to The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Still we thought it was important to go through the motions.

The lesson here is that just because your child HASN’T done something doesn’t mean that today isn’t the day it all changes. If you’re quick you can spot the light bulb over their heads and hear the “ding” right before they do something new and most likely dangerous, but most of the time we’re always playing catch up. All I’m saying is always have your running shoes on.

Pause the Book

2008-09-22T15:42:00.000-07:00

I was reading to Bella before she went to sleep and she wanted to get a different blanket. She then said to me "pause the book" I started laughing and said, “Sure. I’ll pause the book.”

As she went to get her other blanket from the other room I thought about how technologically advanced our lives had become. Since she is used to DVDs and DVRs, and knows you can pause live television and movies. “Pause the show. Pause the movie.” She used the same term for our “low tech” devices like books.

All the words my three year old is saying are things that didn’t exist when we were children. I know that’s making me sound like I’m a hundred years old. Like the old grandpa joke “We used to walk to school uphill in the snow, both ways….” Of course we live in LA so Bella asked “What’s snow?”

“Cell Phone”, “E-mail”, “Wii Fit”, and “Variable Rate Mortgage” are all words that are new to our language, and our kids pick them up like they were always here.

The good news is that to a child, there is no difference in a video game or an old wooden puzzle. If they are engaged and enjoying it, they don’t care if there is a screen or not. But here’s where the parent comes in. Where do you put the emphasis? We try (most of the time) to put the emphasis on books and playing outside old skool and turn the tech off. And when you do that, something very interesting happens. Your children will be more interested in what is seems to be you’re interested in. Imagine that. If you praise the magic of books and make them magical presents and rewards, your kids will love books. If you do that with ice cream, well then in 20 years they are going to be calling Jenny Craig and blaming you.

So turn off the tech, and explain why books and going outside and riding a bike are still better than watching The Wiggles. Actually, anything is better than watching the Wiggles. Man, do they suck. So in other words, “unpause the book.”

Willy Wonka and Parenting

2008-09-07T18:45:00.000-07:00

My daughter has discovered Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Her favorite part is the “blue girl.” “Violet, you’re turning violet, Violet!”

It's always been one of my favorite movies. But watching it now with children adds to the experience. The movie takes on meaning on a whole other level.

I just watched the featurette and it was fascinating. The film was funded by Quaker Oats to promote a candy bar, the Wonka Bar, that had, get this, a design flaw. It melted before it got to store shelves and had to be pulled. So a movie came out to promote a chocolate bar, but there was no chocolate bar. Holy product tie-in fiasco, Batman!

The movie was a bomb when it came out. Parents didn’t like it and found it to be cruel and mean. All those horrible things happening to those kids! They were disappearing, shrinking, being made into giant blueberries! But kids, however, loved it. Here’s the crux of it and this is something the director Mel Stuart and author Roald Dahl knew all along. Kids didn’t find the movie cruel at all. Kids really want boundaries and limits. They don’t really want to do whatever they want. They want to be shown boundaries and they are very much aware of bad behavior and good behavior, regardless of whether they are watching it or engaging in it.

Not only do children want boundaries, they admire the person who gives them to them. That’s why kids never found Willy Wonka scary, while parents did. He’s a big kid himself, but he is also a surrogate parent who tells children where the boundaries are, and what the consequences are for crossing them. And he does it all with candy and a creepy orange skinned rather short workforce. Gene Wilder was simply astonishing in this role, if you go back and really watch him. A sugar coated anarchist with a child’s soul.

Although I will say no one talks about the nightmarish boat scene on the featurette which still is the most disturbing sequence on film in any children’s movie. How Rob Zombie was able to travel back through time and direct that sequence I’ll never know. But I will say I do fast forward through that part and won’t let Bella watch it. I remember it giving me nightmares as a kid. Worms crawling on the face, a chicken getting its head cut off, etc. Someone should have checked the editor’s backpack for his own “candy” before he went into the bay every night.

The book came out in 1964, the movie 1971. And it taught all about the perils of gluttony, being spoiled rotten, too much television and the virtues of reading books and being honest. A timeless tale with timeless lessons. You owe it to your child to put both the book and movie in his or her library. I wonder if Quaker Oats still gets royalties from the movie. “I said Good Day!”

I’m here in Las Vegas and I was still woken up early by screaming children.

2008-08-23T14:56:00.000-07:00

Here I am on my first Vegas gig at the Improv at Harrah’s since Griffin was born six weeks ago. I was looking forward to the rest. Yes, I’m the only one who goes to Vegas to get some sleep.

When you have two children you get to Vegas and realize what a quiet town it is. The casino and slot machines hardly make any noise at all. Gosh, It’s so quiet I could sleep right here on the floor next to the Blue Man Group.

I used to come to Las Vegas, work and go out and drink and party at night. Now when the shows are over I can’t wait to get back into the hotel room, check e-mail, read some comic books and go to sleep. I did try to go out one night with one of the other comedians. We went to the House of Blues private club The Foundation Room at the top of Mandalay Bay. Or we tried to. It was unexpectedly closed that night. Then we tried to go the next night and I couldn’t get in with jeans. Fine. I get the message. I’m going back to the room.

So I’m trying to sleep late for once and I hear from the room right next to me a mother scream at her kid,” Damn it, get down!” It was of course followed soon after by “He hit me first!” Then they started speaking in Spanish so I lost the rest of the conversation.

What the hell is wrong with people that they bring their children to Las Vegas? Are you in such a hurry to gamble away your money that you want to do it in front of your kids? Is this the family vacation you’ve always dreamed of? If so, you need better dreams.

There was a time when Vegas tried to get families to come. Hell, MGM even built a theme park behind their casino. That was a disastrous failure. Soon after all of Vegas changed its tune. Now it’s “What happens in Vegas…” The rest is not “can be documented in your family photo album.” Vegas is (and really always was) a seedy, glitzy adult playground with gambling, drinking, magicians, hookers, gourmet restaurants, and… comedians. I saw a car pulling a mobile billboard saying “Hot Girls delivered right to your room in 20 minutes or less” Or what? They’re free?

Hardly the place for children. And if they are under 21 they’re not really allowed on any of the casino floors anyway, by law. If you want to go to Vegas, get a babysitter. And if you can’t afford one, then you shouldn’t really be going to Las Vegas, should you? I come to Las Vegas to get away from screaming, fighting children. Not mine, yours.

"I'm going to give you a hard time."

2008-08-16T12:51:00.000-07:00

Now with two kids, we have to divvy up the parenting duties a bit. Audge has been putting Bella to bed for the past few nights but suddenly she’s been giving her trouble. Toddler behavior. Having a toddler is like living with a bipolar Tasmanian devil. Everything’s fine… tick tick tick tick boom!

One night I said to Bella, “mommy’s putting you to bed tonight, and don’t give her a hard time.” “Okay” she replied. Audge got her to bed and settled and was about to read to her. Bella looked at her and said, ”I’m going to give you a hard time.” And she did. And the end of reading time I had to go in and put her to bed.

It amazed me that at three and a half our daughter was aware of her bad behavior, and knew what to call it. This is the mistake a lot of parents make. Thinking kids don’t know what they’re doing. They know exactly what they’re doing. It’s like they’ve already read “The Prince” by Machiavelli before they’re two.

So now I’m a bit more suspicious of my daughter’s behavior. What’s she up to? Is she hiding something? Does she think this will somehow lead to ice cream? It’s like a toddler episode of "24" .

So we don’t underestimate our toddler anymore. She’s too smart. In fact, it makes sense, it’s when their brain is developing and the most active. Our adult brains are dulled from mind numbingly boring jobs, cable news channels and processed foods in easy to carry wrappers. Looks like we’re going to have to step up our mental game.

Bowing to the Corporate Masters

2008-08-08T16:09:00.000-07:00

In was a nice quiet Saturday Morning. Bella was playing on the floor with her books, the baby was asleep in the pack and play thing and Audge was food shopping. But then I got bored. I remembered when I was a kid Saturday had the best cartoons. Maybe I’ll check it out.

I asked Bella if she wanted to watch some television. She said yes. She never asks to “watch television” She’ll request something specific like Lady and the Tramp or Blade Runner, but never to just "Watch TV". We limit TV use so I like the fact that our TV isn’t on that often in our house. So I turned it on and looked at the channel guide.

Oooo a new Spiderman cartoon. Cool! Bella wanted to watch it too but asked for the theme song. I play it for her on CD, the old one from the 60’s cartoon. Sadly, no cool theme song on this one. Just dull character design and average exported overseas animation.

Bella and I started watching it. Her eyes glazed over and she was mesmerized. Suddenly gentle Doc Connors turned into the Lizard! One of my favorite Spiderman Villains because he’s a scientist who is missing an arm and injects himself with reptile DNA to regrow it. Instead he turns into a giant lizard. BUT HE STILL WEARS THE LAB COAT. Awesome. Although it was a little scary. Bella seems to like scary things, so she said it was OK and wanted to keep watching. As expected Spiderman saved the day and helped the lizard who “wanted to be a man” again.

Then the really scary part came. The commercials. The commercials showed upcoming shows from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (in the future?) Huh? Do Eastman and Laird know about this? Then a new Batman show. Bella said she wanted to see all of them. Then there was a Fruit loops commercial. She then wanted that “new cheerios cereal.”

I realized what I had done in that few minutes. I had opened the floodgates to corporate assholes who want our money. In just 30 minutes time she wanted everything she had seen, from Fruit Loops to seeing more shows, which creates an endless loop of mindless viewing and consuming. And it was so EASY. The television was saying “Just turn me on and hand them over.” It scared me a bit, I have to be honest.

So I turned the television OFF. These are my children, and frankly, soulless marketing suits, you can’t have them. Thankfully, Bella forgot about the ten other animated shows and the fruit loops in another 12 minutes. So out of sight, out of mind-- which can be a really good thing sometimes. But now I can’t get that old theme song out of my head. Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can… Where is that CD?

Why I love and hate Whole Foods Market

2008-08-01T13:40:00.000-07:00

I'm guest blogging again! Here's where this week's Blog is:

http://www.ourmilkmoney.blogspot.com

Enjoy!

You Have a Spider in Your Nose

2008-07-20T13:52:00.000-07:00

That’s what my three year old said to me yesterday after she jumped on top of me. I embarrassingly explained to her that it was just nose hair, and apparently needed to be clipped. There’s nothing like a toddler to remind you that you’re aging. And not necessarily gracefully or even neatly.

Nevertheless, I found this comment cute and charming. It warmed my heart. And I’m a huge cynic, which I remembered at that very instant. It’s just that whatever your child says, it’s charming. If it came out of the mouth of any other kid I’d find it rude and annoying. Actually I find a lot of adults rude and annoying, but that’s another story.

Bella’s going to say what’s on her mind, until society tells her that in order to get a promotion she needs to keep her mouth shut. I’m going to be the constant counter programming to that lesson. She wants to count the spiders in my nose? Fine. She wants to tell the neighbors about the spiders and how tired Daddy is all the time, then fine. It’s cute, entertaining, and truthful. Things we need more of.

I think as artists it plays into the fact that we’re both cynics and romantics at the same time. Sure, we think most things are ignorant, contrived and irritating. It’s just our nature. In fact if you want to see all three of those things together watch an episode of “The View.” But at the same time we take great pleasure in the things that aren’t, like our own children. Even when they remind us how old we are.

Griffin Mancini born two weeks early!

2008-07-13T12:35:00.001-07:00

Here's a pic of Isabella holding Griffin Daniel Mancini. Quite unexpected. Breach babies are not supposed to come early! They're supposed to come when they are scheduled. Clearly an early act of petulance.

My wife and I were just talking about how ready we would be for the new baby. We had two more whole weeks to get diapers, wash sheets, get the bassinet out of the garage, etc. Luckily we had most of the heavy lifting done. The baby's room was painted and setup and the garage was converted to my new office. I'm calling it an office because wives get angry if you call it an "escape dome"

Suddenly Audge started having sharp pains on the morning of July 2. She called the doctor and he said to put heat on it as sharp pains are generally not labor pains. Our last baby was a C-Section too so she had no idea what labor pains felt like. An hour later she was feeling worse and the doctor said what I was fearing: "Go to the hospital" We left around 10 am and the baby was out by 1:00 pm with an emergency c-section. It was a hassle, but you can't really beat the time efficiency. In fact, it happened so quickly when I went back to get the camera by the time I got back to the OR they had already started making the first incision. They could have at least waited until I was behind the curtain I did not need to pull a Dorothy and see the Wizard. Behind the curtain is just fine, thank you. So speedy delivery aside, everything went well and everyone is healthy, so that's all you can ask for.

This did make me laugh. While we were being prepped my wife's labor pains got worse. After an hour or so of labor pains, my wife simply looked at me and said "This whole labor thing is for the birds." Ah yes, truly the downside of being a mammal. Why do you think birds lay eggs?

The Many Life-Stages of IKEA

2008-06-29T15:43:00.000-07:00

I was in IKEA recently. That’s when it really hit me. IKEA is the kind of place you only go to at certain stages of your life. Like Chuck E Cheese’s, or the Proctologist.

July 15th is coming upon us like a freight train and there is still a million things to do before the baby gets here. We decided to go to IKEA to buy four shelves. One for Bella’s toys, one for the new baby and two for me in the new garage/office. We also needed a toy box. The toy box was out of stock and we realized we needed a bigger shelf which wouldn’t fit in our car. Then Bella beamed another kid in the head with one of the inflatable balls at the kid’s section. Bad behavior, but good arm. Anyway, it was a wasted trip. So I decided to come back a few days later with my friend’s SUV. It was a Honda CRV so I didn’t feel too guilty about it.

That’s when it hit me. You only go to IKEA at certain times in your life. The first time is usually when you need crappy furniture for your dorm or college apartment. Then you go again after college when you need more crappy furniture for your first crappy post college apartment.

Then, there’s a break. You get married, buy a house, and then you and your spouse both say, “Fuck IKEA. I want some nice furniture for a change.” So you buy some nice furniture, and then a child is born, you buy a baby set, and then a new set of furniture when they’re a toddler and then you think you’re done for a while.

Oh, no. Then the second baby comes and you wonder how the hell you’re going to afford it. You realize you’ve kept everything from the first baby but now you’re still paying off your toddler’s furniture. Sure, no interest for a year sounded great at the time… but “that year goes by so fast…”

So we needed more stuff. We didn’t use the word crappy. We used “cheaper”. So it was back to IKEA. Four bookcases for $200. Of course, you have to go into the stockroom and get them yourself and put them together like a Neanderthal, but oooh, the savings! And will our new son care that his bookshelf is made out of pressed paper and wood by-product? Eventually yes, but not for a while. We got him a nice picture of a rocket to distract him.

So God Bless ‘em, IKEA knows their market. Now that I think about it, after college when I was in there buying a table and chairs, I think the cashier looked at me funny. I couldn’t figure it out at the time but now I know that wily cashier was giving me a knowing look that was saying, “You’ll be back.”

Father's Day Solid

2008-06-16T16:19:00.000-07:00

Father’s Day, like Mother’s Day, takes on a whole new meaning when you have a kid. But this time, instead of running around at the last minute for a present for my wife I get to be on the receiving end of the parenty goodness.

Bella woke up with growing pains (yes, they really do exist, and it’s not just a contrived Allan Thicke/Kirk Cameron television show) early in the morning. So Father’s Day started at 4:30 am in our house. We brought Bella in bed with us. Bringing a toddler in your bed is pretty much a guarantee that no one is sleeping anymore in your house, from you, your wife, to the cat. After getting kicked repeatedly in the back I went to sleep in Bella’s bed for another hour or two. You know, because it was Father’s Day.

A few days earlier I was allowed to get my most awesome Father’s Day present. I had been saving up for a Playstation 3 and went on to bore my wife about the best model, backwards compatibility, HDMI inputs, HD resolutions and the scarcity of the Metal Gear Sold 4 bundle. Her eyes just glazed over and then she just said the same thing every wife says: “How much?”

I went on to explain if I added up what I already had saved from my birthday money (I realize this makes me sound like a 12 year old) and bought it at Target and got 10% off for applying for the Target Card it would be reasonable. The thing is, I had just finished three full days of moving my office into the garage and painting the new baby’s room so I had a little fatherly credit at that point. Oh, and I spent it. On high definition gaming goodness. Now I can see more detail when I blow shit up.

Funny thing was I had just dropped Bella off at daycare and went to Target the morning of the release of the new Metal Gear Solid Playstation 3 bundle. I got there and there was already a guy in front of me buying one. He had his infant in a carrier beside him. We looked at each other. We both had the same idea. He bought his, picked up his infant, looked at me, and said “have fun.”

And I did. I got a new Playstation, went out to dinner with Audge and Bella and had a great Father’s Day. All in high def.

Why does the entertainment industry think fathers are all assholes?

2008-06-01T21:45:00.000-07:00

As a lot of you know, I’ve been writing a book on fatherhood for a while. I’m new to the whole book writing thing and it’s been quite an experience so far. In fact, although I’ve been working on it for a while I really feel like the process is just starting.

I was determined that if I couldn’t get a book agent or a publisher I would self publish and either way my book would be out there. But my friends encouraged me to really try the agent route, so I did.

I got some very odd responses and it surprised me a bit. Mainly agents, producers, and every other gatekeeper in the entertainment business just say no. They don’t like your stuff or they don’t know what to do with it. Fine. Art in every medium is subjective.

But the response I was getting from book agents was a no but not because of the content. It was a no because of an outdated incorrect stereotype of men and fathers. “Men don’t read.” “Men don’t care about fatherhood books” “Fatherhood books don’t sell” “No publisher wants a fatherhood book. It just doesn’t work.”

Men don’t READ?! That’s like saying women don’t drive. Now, I did my research. It’s a tough market. Which is a ludicrous statement. EVERY market is a tough market. I have NEVER heard anyone say, "It's a really easy market. I don't know why there aren't more millionaires, since the market is so easy. Really, you don't have to do much of anything and there's no competiton."

There are successful fatherhood books and successful humorous ones. But why is the market tough? Because of the above reasons? Of course not. The reason is that the books on the shelves are themselves outdated and nothing new or interesting is available. Have you ever read a fatherhood book? You may as well read "Crime and Punishment." See which one you finish first, and which one you get more out of. They are outdated and even the humorous ones are watered down and feel like they are written for women as if that is somehow the same market.

Television is no better when it comes to treating fathers like assholes. Please, no more sitcoms about overweight incompetent Dads married to attractive women who “love them anyway.” I’m not even sure which part is more in the realm of patriarchal fantasy. So every guy is an overweight incompetent buffoon who lets his hot wife raise his kids. Got it. Great. Thanks, Hollywood.

At least in movies we get “Kramer vs. Kramer”. That was an amazing movie. But for every Kramer Vs Kramer there’s a hundred fathers who are “good cops” but never have time to make their marriages work or see their kids…. Blah blah blah….

Market has nothing to do with it. If people are interested in something, they will find it. They may even buy it. In he age of the internet, it really is that simple. Type the most fucked up thing you can think of into YouTube. Not only will it be there, but there will be thousands of views. Not that I've tried it... I've just heard. One thing some entertainment people never get: You can't chase a market or a trend because you're always going to be one step behind.

Oh, and I did get an agent. A guy who didn’t even have kids, but saw the potential of the book. The book proposal is on its way to publishers now. Fingers crossed. But like I said, it’s less critical now. With publishing on demand at Amazon and other online places, my book can be sold right next to “Crime and Punishment.” In fact, I may even demand it.

Our Milk Money

2008-05-21T13:03:00.000-07:00

This week's Blog is over at http://ourmilkmoney.blogspot.com/

Enjoy!

Mother's Day

2008-05-12T21:17:00.001-07:00

Having a child gives a whole new meaning to Mother’s Day. It used to be “Okay, I have to call my mother and send her a gift.” But now there is a mother right in your own house. That’s TWO cards, TWO gifts, but probably still only one phone call. Still it’s like twice the work.

A few days before Mother’s Day my wife said, “We don’t have to go out to brunch on Sunday. We can just stay home.” Obviously I then immediately started pricing brunches and checking availability for Sunday. When a woman says you or we don’t have to do something, you better get going and do it.

Our daughter made my wife a nice present at school and I bought her chocolate and some bath stuff. I’m not really sure what it was. I got it at the mall and it smelled orangey and citrusey.

As I was paying for it the girl asked me if I wanted to buy gift-wrap and a gift bag. I said sure. Then she asked me if I wanted her to wrap the gift for me.
“Of course.” I replied, like that was a ridiculous question. She noticed.
“Sometimes people want to wrap it themselves,” she explained.
“Are they men?”
She laughed and shook her head. Then she wrapped the gift.

Sure enough on Friday my wife said she changed her mind and did want to go out to breakfast on Sunday. But the prices for brunch were insane, like $30 a person for pancakes. So we went out but too a restaurant instead.

But going to a restaurant with a toddler is like playing a game of Russian Roulette. Sometimes good, sometimes… not so good and someone has to be drug screaming out of the restaurant. Then my wife went back and got our daughter.

But that didn’t happen this time. Sometimes you get a pleasant, uneventful day and I was thankful for it. Bella was good at the restaurant, Audge liked her presents, including the wrapping, and we relaxed the rest of the day. We even called the “other” Moms who are now called Grandmom and Nana.

Now when my wife asks me if I want to go out for breakfast on Father’s Day I’m just going to say, “Yes.” See how easy that was? Oh, and no one has a Father’s Day Brunch. What’s up with that? I like eggs benedict too, you know.