Daddy Needs Some Alone Time

Why I Love Japanese RPGs.

2010-03-06T16:06:00.000-08:00

That’s Japanese Role Playing Video Games, for those of you not in the Geekknow. They are usually brilliantly imagines, immersive, surprising, but they can be long, slow, tedious and sometimes even boring. And yet, I love the negative stuff about them too. So why?

The first reason is that with two children my video game time has let’s just say, greatly diminished. I can play the Wii or Rock Band with Bella but that’s it. A little Resident Evil time has to wait.

Then I discovered the Persona games. Persona 3 took months and months to play. Even then you’ll miss part of it since there is so much to do and there is a ticking clock, and get this, the Persona games are currently PS2 games. Luckily I have a PS3 that’s backwards compatable, but I know, it feels like you’re playing an Atari 2600 sometimes. It’s soooo 2005…

So what makes it so great? Well, what’s so great about it is how… insane it is. Only Japanese game developers with a few issues about death, sexuality, and high school could come up with this. And I love it.

So the game opens up mysteriously. At midnight, everyone turns into… coffins? OK. Wait, OMFG. I’m a high school kid. I go to class. I go on dates. I can go to the mall. And at night if I so choose I go into a giant dark castle and fight monsters. Oh no, it gets better. I fight monsters by bringing my own moster out of my body. How do I do this? By shooting myself in the head over and over. Fricking twisted genius. Then you think, oh, it can’t get any weirder. But you’d be wrong. Soon a female robot shows up joins your team and then you can date her as well. Finally!

My wife watched me playing one night. She watched me walk around, talk to people and read the poorly translated Japanese dialogue. She then expectantly commented “This is boring.” To which I replied “Exactly!” That’s the point. Sometimes to relax I just go in the game, go to a few classes and then go to the mall to buy new armor and weapons. All malls in Japan seem to have armories, right? Right next to Cinnabon?

Sure, if I want to shoot myself in the head and woop some monster ass I can certainly do that if I wish. But not always.

But the point is, I'm tired. While I love video games, sometimes at the end of a seemingly endless day I may not be looking for the FPS viceral experience. Sometimes, I like to relax virtually as well.

So when I should be doing work late at night, or at least trying to catch up on my sleep sometimes I may not be home at all. I’ll be in Japan, going to school, studying for exams, fighting monsters and solving mysteries. Or I may just walk around and buy new pants that have a protection rating against fire magic. And why the hell not? I’m older now. My priorities have changed. I still want to fight monsters, I just like to wear some nicer things while I’m doing it.

The People vs Chris Mancini

2010-02-26T14:06:00.000-08:00

I never thought I’d hear those words. Instead of being intimidated, I have to say it was kinda cool. I felt like a supervillain who had just taken over Australia and then thought about giving it to Lex Luthor in exchange for Superman’s whereabouts.

Sadly, I hadn’t taken over anything. I chose to do an arraignment for traffic court. Of course my first thought was The People vs. Me? Which people and how many? Really, that many people against me? Seriously?

I had gotten a ridiculous, bullshit speeding ticket last year. Here’s the story:

http://www.daddyneedssomealonetime.com/2009/11/pulled-over-going-40-miles-per-hour.html

So instead of shutting up and paying the fine and then paying even more money for traffic school, I did what they don’t want you to do: I went to fight it. AND I didn’t do it through the mail. I wanted the four star treatment. I was going to do the whole show. I was going to schedule an arraignment then I was going to face my accuser in a court of law. Pretty dramatic stuff for going 40 miles an hour in a 45 zone. Yes, that’s right I was going 5 BELOW the speed limit but since it was a school zone, it was 25 since there were some high schoolers milling around. But there was no sign and it’s nonsense. So I ain’t goin’ down without a fight.

I had done this before to please guilty once where I HAD been speeding, trying to get to the Rite-Aid to get my sick daughter medicine. (not kidding, cop didn’t care) It didn’t help that my daughter had, after a morning of loud crying from ear pain, decided to fall into a quiet sound sleep right before I got pulled over.

So I was at the courthouse early and brought a book. These things take time. The guy next to me didn’t realize that. They called his name, he checked in, and 10 minutes later he muttered “This is bullshit” and then just walked out and left. Now, I’m no legal expert but I’m pretty sure after you check in with the court clerk and announce yourself present that you shouldn’t just kinda getup and leave. I’m just saying.

The clerk/bailiff (he was doing both functions) encouraged people to plead guilty (the judge can reduce your fine!) was the sales pitch. Sorry, jerks. I’m not buying your snake oil. I have rights, and I’m going to use them for as long as I can to cost this court and the cop’s precinct the most money. If you’re going to harass me, I’m going to make it cost you. Even in this minor, small way. Little victories. Count them out.

The judge called my name and mentioned all the people that were against me. The people vs. Damn. That’s a lot of people. The judge looked at looked at me like I was a jerk for saying “not guilty”. He asked me if I understood the charge and that I was eligible for traffic school. Yes and yes, and he was not going to intimidate me into changing my mind. He did do me a favor and waive the “bail” which is the amount of the ticket so I didn’t have to pay anything up front. Another way they try to screw you is they take your money first and then if you win then you get a refund many weeks later.

So I went to the cashier and waited again, which I knew I would. I was not disappointed. After another considerable delay the cashier called my name and I scheduled a court date. This was an early morning cop and while I couldn’t get night court I asked for afternoon so at least they would have to pay him overtime. And I was able to push it to June.

I am going through the whole process for a number of reasons. The first one obviously is that this ticket is bullshit and I am fighting it. But a second one presented itself. I wanted to see how the whole thing plays out if you do the opposite of what they want you to do. I got the ticket in November, and after scheduling the court date I am not even appearing until June, and I haven’t paid a thing. That’s around eight months after I received the ticket.

I have my pictures of the intersection and the road with no school zone sign in sight and it will be interesting to see how this plays out. At worst, I’ll get a few more posts out of it.

One Hand Giveth, The Other Hand Slappeth in the Face

2010-02-18T14:51:00.001-08:00

It’s amazing how the universe can screw with your expectations. I mean that in both the good and bad sense. My business partner and I, Graham Elwood, have been working on our company comedyfilmnerds.com for the last three years or so. Or as my wife calls it: a "hobby". Not full time of course, as Graham tours with Doug Benson and I have been working on my book and taking care of our youngest. We’ve slowly been increasing the business. Sales go up and down, but mostly an upward trend and traffic on the site has increased.

Sure, we've had setbacks like the site going down for four months and not being able to pay bills, the site not working, knowing nothing about HTML or online shopping carts, the garage getting to cold to work in, even in Los Angeles, etc. We bought a space heater. Anyhoo, it's been both fun and challenging, and I really enjoy it.

So we started doing live shows in Los Angeles, a cool mix of comedians and filmmakers and screening funny short films like a mini film festival with comics talking about movies. And no one came.

So we rebooted. Hit the internet. Twitter, Facebook, started a Newsletter, etc. OK, maybe the next show would be better.

But then we did something we should have done two years ago. We started a podcast. Out of my garage, where we would meet once a week and schedule it around the baby/wife/neighbor filling in as nanny. Tough, but we did it. We record every other week and in three months we were number 15 in comedy on ITunes and 81 overall of all podcasts. We have thousands of listeners now. You can subscribe here, if you’re so inclined.

http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/comedy-film-nerds/id345412221

So we scheduled our next live show. All those people listening, how could a few of them not come out to see us live?

Then, we get to the show and expect tons of people there. I’m really happy and excited. They are going to have to turn people away! So we waited. And we waited some more. Then some more. The sound guy starts asking us if and when we’re going to start. After counting my wife, my friend, and the four people one of the filmmakers brought, two other people showed up. And two of the four people the filmmaker brought hated the show and didn’t laugh once.

So for about four months in a row the live show not only cost us money but hit us a little in the ego/gut. We had done everything right this time, and still no one came. But then we got home after the show and bitched to each other on the cell phone like whiny babies. But then we checked the internet and realized while no one had come to our live show, over a thousand more people had subscribed to the podcast. And we hadn’t done a thing.

So thinking like a business person and promoter and not a comedian/artist (for once) it made perfect sense to focus all of our energy on what was working and table what isn’t, at least for now. Now we’re looking into selling advertising on the podcast. That’s right, we’re selling out, and we can’t do it quick enough. The podcast numbers and listeners are growing at an amazing rate. We are very thankful, and realize we just may never see any of them in person. We can live with that.

Preschooler Questions You Will Never Get an Honest Answer to

2010-02-10T18:35:00.000-08:00

OK, so the toddler was up at 5:00 am, didn’t nap, and our daughter is at dance class with mommy, giving me close to 12 hours of constant childcare. Right now I am either looking for a noose or toddler sized ether.

Also, I did a little spot for ABC News in LA about stay at home parents and a new website called ourmilkmoney.com You can check it our here:

http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/video?id=7256662

Now, I have noticed there are a bunch of questions that you can ask a preschooler and never get an honest answer to. Here are but a few. Feel free to add your own in the comments:

Did you wash your hands?

What did you do to the cat?

Why is your brother crying?

Where did your vegetables go? Did you eat them?

Who do you like better, me or Mommy? (SURELY) this one will always come back a lie.

Are you calling China? Who do you know in China?

Is that your third piece of chocolate?

How do you keep ordering things off Amazon? You don’t even have a computer.

Are you scared of clowns?

Are you going to be good for the entire time we’re at the funeral?

The Most Miserable Place on Earth

2010-01-30T10:59:00.000-08:00

OK, I am NOT talking about Disneyland. I love Disneyland, except of course for the massive crowds and the occasional male European tourist who wears shorts that are just a little bit too short. Please sir, I just ate a churro. Have some consideration.

No, I am indeed talking about the most miserable place on earth: Chuck E. Cheese’s. I remember seeing the commercials when I was in high school. I vowed never to set foot in one. I’ve kept that vow until last year, when TWO of Bella’s friends had birthday parties there. The first time was miserable but the second time was even worse and…. I’m out. Never again, even if the kids beg me. Thankfully, we live 40 minutes away from Disneyland so I’m pretty sure it will never happen.

Imagine the Jersey shore except dirtier, louder, and more annoying. You can use the actual Jersey shore or the new MTV show, it doesn’t matter. The comparison still stands. As you walk in you are assaulted with noise, aging, broken machines, outdated animatronics, miserable employees, miserable parents, and a creeping sense of capitulation laced with an odd sense of otherworldy dread.

Now, I know Chuck E Cheese started in the 70’s but I think it’s great that the animatronics are from the 50’s. I especially like the racist Italian drummer, Pasqually E. Pieplate. Look at the whole “band” for a moment. The band is made up of giant animals, and one Italian. Well done.

And Chuck, how can you have pizza that is WORSE than Dominos?! I didn’t think that was even possible. But you did it. And I know you’re supposed to be a mouse but were originally a rat (thanks again, Google), but you still look like a giant rat, Chuck. But I will say, if there really were giant rats after the apocalypse, I think they would eat each other before your pizza.

Then a friend of mine told me that there are a lot of shootings at Chuck E. Cheese’s. WHAT?! Of course, I could see them being suicides, but really?! shootings? So, I Googled shootings at Chuck E Cheese’s. 94,300 results came up. Go ahead, try it. Geez, folks, the tokens aren’t worth it. Just go buy the plastic necklace next time and stop fighting over the skeeball machine. Half of them don’t work anyway.

So did the kids have a good time? Yes, but they didn’t love it. Thank God. Bella was quickly bored with the lame rides and didn’t care about the games, and also thought the one climbing area and slide was insufficient. Score.

Chuck E Cheese was dirty, miserable, and crowded. Twice, in two different locations. We all felt really, really dirty afterwards. Like we had all just watched an episode of Rock of Love. If Purell made buckets we would have bought one. You know, I may be a father, but I’m also an adult. There are certain things I just don’t have to do anymore. I don’t have to ride a schoolbus, eat brussel sprouts, or go swimming if I don’t want to. And from now on, until the apocalypse, I don’t have to put up with any more bullshit from a giant rat.

The Hollywood Kindergarten Shuffle

2010-01-22T19:41:00.000-08:00

Our daughter Bella is going to be five this year, and now the scramble for kindergarten begins. Of course we live in LA and let’s just say schools aren’t always so great. There are great schools near us, just not the one we’re zoned for.

So now we have to look into things like charter schools and magnet schools. Until now I thought they meant a school on a boat and a school that you can’t bring any metal to. Then if we can’t get into one of those, we have to look at neighboring schools, sign up for what’s called “open enrollment” and hope a slot opens up somewhere. Of course there’s always private school, but let’s not go there. We’d like to pay down our debt sometime before the first one starts college.

Basically schools in Los Angeles are a fucking maze. Unless you’re zoned for a good one, you have a lot of work ahead of you. Unless you want to pony up for private but even then you have to do your research. But with some effort and some insider info (thankfully, our neighbor is a teacher and has been helping us) you start to see a method to the educational madness. Actually, no. There’s no method. Just madness. So we joined the LA School System Tea Party and we were off.

So everything is like a lottery and you just apply and hope you get in somewhere. Magnet schools you can acquire points every time you apply like you’re saving up for a bigger prize at the boardwalk or something. So the more times you don’t get in the greater your chances.
So a friend suggested a charter school. OK, what the hell? Got nothing to lose. And I can at least get out of the house for an hour or two. So I applied online and went to the prospective parent “orientation” on Sunday afternoon.

The first thing I learned was that a “charter” school doesn’t really have any rules. It’s tuition-free, and publicly funded (YEAH) but operates like a private school (OH…). This can be a double edged sword, I believe. The good thing is they can hire who they want and set their own curriculum. The bad thing is that they can hire who they want and set their own curriculum. So if it’s high standards, great. But there are definitely some quirks.

So I went to the orientation with an open mind. Keep in mind, though, every school tells you how great it is. No school Principal gets up and goes “Frankly, we have no idea what we’re doing. I’m surprised anyone even graduates from here with a rudimentary grasp of math and English.” But if they did, wouldn’t that be refreshing?

Now, this school in particular had uniforms. Not real keep on the whole conformity thing, but OK I was still listening.

Next tidbit: “We don’t have “Ds”. Huh? Turns out they don’t use D as a grade. If you didn’t get a C, you failed. “Just passing isn’t good enough” OK, strict and with mandatory summer for a failing grade school but I was still on board. Fine.

Then the kicker: “We are primarily a business and entrepreneurial school” Ok-- wait, what?! I thought I was looking for a kindergarten. I didn’t hear incorrectly. That was what she said. “We teach the students to run their own businesses and to earn a salary starting in kindergarten” Warning bells. Seriously?! The last thing I want is to have a six year old ask for a raise in her allowance to adjust for inflation.

OK, not for me. Our daughter loves to sing, dance and play. You know, like most five year olds. Now I’m going to turn her into a business asshole at age five?! I don’t think so.

I don’t think I could have been more against the whole philosophy of indoctrinating children into an early cult of money love. Take a moment and think about this: When you look back on your life, when were your most creative times? Usually, with the exception of the few of us who can’t let it go, they were when you were young. That’s the time to be creative. When your mind and your world are just opening up. When you made a diorama, was it of a bank? An accounting office? A retirement home? No?

Being creative when you’re young is a glorious, open, freeing feeling and the last think I want for my child in GRADE SCHOOL is to worry about making money and having that the focal point of her education. I think it makes perfect sense to have a business program in high school but frankly, in grade school it’s a little ridiculous.

I’m not knocking business or an understanding of money, those are great skills to have and frankly, I wish I had them. But I don’t and by now let’s just say that ship has sailed. But for now let kids be kids. She can make her first million at 16, not 6. For now we’re going to watch Dragon Tales, draw, color and put together puzzles. And if she mentions inflation she better be talking about a balloon.

Boardwalks, Meltdowns, and Diabolical Baby Formula

2010-01-16T14:05:00.000-08:00

This one was over at honestbaby.com a few months ago but I am all about recycling. Enjoy.

We were visiting family in Ocean City NJ. So that’s myself, my wife, and our four year old daughter and one year old son. And when you’re in Ocean City, NJ there are only two things to do. Go to the beach, and then go to the boardwalk. I don’t like the beach. It’s hot, sunny and sandy. What can I say, I’m an indoor cat. But I survived a few trips to the beach. (One dude generously let me borrow his shovel so I could actually secure the beach umbrella in 75 mph wind.) Hot yet windy. Even better.

But after the beach, there was the boardwalk. Man, it was packed. All the traditions are still there. Carney games, rides, and frozen custard where every stand is run by the same company. No one’s breaking up that monopoly anytime soon. But there’s never any actual Carnies at the carnie games. Just bored teenagers. But I digress.

So we went on a bunch of rides. Our four year old LOVES rides. She wants to go on the bigger ones but is too short and now gets bored on slow ones. At Disneyland she went on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad four times in a row and I finally had to slip the guy twenty bucks to tell her it was broken or I would have thrown up all over the animatronic goat. She was having a blast going on tilt-a-whirls, ferris wheels and giant swings and our one year old enjoyed just looking around and going on a few really slow rides like the kiddie train.

But when you have small children, there is always a timer. And occasionally you forget this, and you pay for it 15 minutes later. We were going to leave, and decided to stay for a half an hour longer. Tick…tick tick… boom!

Our one year old lost it. He was tired and hungry and the cry bomb had gone off. I mean, it really went off. Like trying to break glass screaming and crying. There we were on the Ocean City boardwalk with a one year old having an absolute meltdown. We pushed it by about 14.2 minutes and now we were paying for it.

My wife quickly tried to feed him. That’s when it got… insane. Instead of pulling out a bottle of formula, she pulls out a large tube of powder. What?! It was like some kind of giant baby pixie stick.

“I’m sorry, are you going to give our child astronaut food?” I asked as our baby continued to scream.
“It’s powdered formula. It’s easier for traveling,” She explained.
“Are you sure?!”

Now instead of actually feeding out child, we had to engage in a chemistry experiment on the boardwalk, quickly being able to stir together water and powder once released from its hermetically sealed container.

You know what the best thing is about canned formula? It’s formula, in a can! That’s right! You open it up and put it in your baby. That’s it. Done! Maybe you need to pour it into the bottle, but that’s OK. That’s only one extra step.

So the baby is screaming his head off, and guess what? No water, and we can’t get the infernal baby formula tube open. So we split up. Audge takes the kids to get water from a water fountain. I go into the nearest store.

It’s a lame touristy boutique with T-shirts and salt water taffy. Surprise! Neither of those things have ever interested me, and they certainly don’t now. I look at the guy behind the counter. He looks at me. I ask if I can borrow a scissors. He looks at me and shakes his head. I repeat the question. Same response. It then occurs to me that he can’t speak English. Fantastic. I can hear Griffin screaming from all the way in the store.

I take a deep breath. With one hand, I hold up the evil, evil tube of powdered formula. With the other hand, I calmly held up two fingers. I was tempted to only hold up one, knowing that would hurtle the language barrier quite nicely, but I held back. Instead I held up my two fingers and mimed a cutting motion, the universal sign for scissors. A light went off in the head of my foreign friend.

THAT he understood. The universal cutting motion. He got a scissors and cut open the petulant powder tube and I thanked him. He smiled, not quite understanding what I said or even what just happened, but knowing he helped open a tube of something. Possibly cocaine.

So I got back to my wife and she had found water and the alchemy began. Mix, shake, serve. Griffin calmed down instantly and inhaled the witch’s brew. We started walking off the boardwalk and back to the car.

“We pushed it, didn’t we?”
“Yes” my wife said.
“I’m going out to buy cans of formula tomorrow, aren’t I?”
“Yes. Maybe even tonight.”

Fair enough. Those evil tubes should come with a warning: “Not for use when you actually need it.” It’s hard enough to stock a diaper bag with everything you need but now you need to stock it judiciously. Now the items need to be packed according to weight, size, and now varying degrees of usage difficulty. At this point, if we travel again with two small children I’m hiring a Sherpa.

Overheard in LA

2010-01-09T16:22:00.001-08:00

Wife: “Enjoy this time when the kids are young, because once they’re teenagers they won’t want anything to do with us.”

Me: “Great! Let’s start thinking of ways we can embarrass them in twelve years.”

OK, that was a non-sequitur, but I didn’t have anywhere else to put it, and I still can’t get the twitter gadget to work properly in blogger.

Anyhoo, when you live in LA, especially as a parent, you hear things you most certainly would not hear anywhere else. Here are some things I’ve overheard. I’m a very good listener, when someone isn’t speaking directly to me.

Mother talking to her six year old daughter: “We’re going out for sushi tonight, your favorite!” Judging by the look on her face it was not her favorite. And really, why would it be?

Mother talking to a sales clerk in Macy’s: “My son is shooting a movie tomorrow and he needs to wear plain type clothes” Way to hike up your kid’s resume to the Macy’s clerk. Embarrased to say “My son is an extra”?

Mother to son at daycare: “If you keep acting this way you’re going to get a consequence!” Consequence?! SERIOUSLY?! While I’m against the whole “gonna get a beating” thing, I think we can still call a spade a spade. PUNISHMENT is still a good word, for criminals and for children. Be a parent, not a hippie.

“Sometime I give my son a cupcake in the morning without icing and say it’s a muffin.” This one is so creatively absurd that I had to give the mother some credit. Well done.

What was the dumbest parenting conversation you’ve overheard?

Laguna Beach in 24 Hours

2010-01-02T17:07:00.000-08:00

I really think we forget this sometimes. The last two weeks I tried to take a break from the internets and everything else having to do with checking or posting something. It was harder than I thought. I wonder if we’re getting a bit TOO wired for our own good. And yes, I am well aware of the irony of blogging about this subject.

So I took a break. I made sure the iphone didn’t get checked every five minutes. I didn’t care about sales ranks or ratings, reviews, or anything. OK, I at least tried. When you’re home, it’s next to impossible. To clarify: When you’re home and you’re obsessive, it’s next to impossible.

So the only way to really do it and unplug, is to take an actual break. So we did. It lasted for a little over 24 hours, but it was amazing. My family was in town, so the day after Christmas they offered to watch the kids. I was out the door so fast I forgot my wife. After going back in the house, getting my wife, and actually packing a few things, Audge and I got in the car and drove to Laguna Beach, CA.

As soon as we were on the freeway we started to relax a bit. It had been a stressful year with everything from the good (a book release) to the bad (every appliance in the house breaking down at the same time which made our credit card company very happy) and everything in between. With the new baby, we hadn’t been away as a couple for almost two years. Not that we ever really did it that often with the first child, so let’s just say we were overdue.

We went a bit cheap on the hotel which is always a gamble. Normally over $200 a night but now only half that? With breakfast? Really? That’s quite a bargain! Turns out we were staying at one expensive cheap motel. But was crack included? That’s never on the brochure.

Let’s just say you get what you pay for and to be honest, we didn’t mind, except for the backaches we both got from the rock hard mattress. It was pretty much a bed surrounded by four walls and a bathroom. Only one side had a lamp so we had to take turns on the “reading side”.

So we went to the beach. It was cold but beautiful. Laguna is beautiful by the way. Worth the drive. We went shopping. I hate shopping, but it took me a whole extra hour to get annoyed! I was definitely relaxing.

Then we went to a crazy expensive hotel and ate in their restaurant. Needless to say, it was amazing. From the view to the food, it really felt like… well… a date. After dinner we walked around this crazy rich person hotel like we were… rich and it was really fun. It was actually cold and if it had been a little warmer and we weren’t so full of good food and sangria we probably would have walked down their cliff walkway to their beach.

So once we were back in the lobby we felt warm, full and happy, and went back to our cheap motel. We watched an old Fantasy Island rerun on a channel I don’t even think we have two hours away, and just enjoyed not having to do ANYTHING. No kitchen cleanup, no childcare, no bills, no house repairs, no vampire slaying, etc. Nothing. It was awesome.

It was four in the morning and we were woken up by a drunk outside the hotel. Now, we’re used to being woken up at four in the morning since the baby seems to like that time of the morning to have a family conference. But the difference was, we were in a hotel room, we didn’t have to get up. And we certainly didn’t have to change him. At least, we weren’t going to.

We woke up late (8:00 am) and felt refreshed. So other than a few aches in the back and a free breakfast that was actually six blocks away in another hotel, we really felt like we got our money’s worth. Most importantly, we really felt like we went on vacation.

In fact, we had so much fun we’re going to make in an annual thing, as long as my family keeps offering. Looking forward to next Christmas. Maybe we can stretch it to 36 hours next time…

Terry Gilliam, Dr. Parnassus, and Statutory Rape

2009-12-16T14:03:00.001-08:00

I am a HUGE Terry Gilliam fan. I got to see The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus early. I was really excited and was hoping this was going to be one of Gilliam’s best. Sure, there was the hype and mystery surrounding this film. It’s Heath Ledger’s last film and you always wonder if Terry Gilliam is even going to finish one. So with Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell stepping in for Ledger, I had no idea what to expect. Then again, you never know what to expect with a Terry Gilliam film. That’s kind of the point.

It’s the story (sort of) of Dr. Parnassus, an immortal mystic locked in combat with the devil via various bets. Up for grabs is in this and other various wagers is Dr. Parnassus’ own daughter, Valentina, when she reaches her 16th birthday and comes of age. If Dr. Parnassus loses, he loses his only daughter.

As I’m watching the movie it was a bit all over the place. This was not Ledger’s finest performance. How can you top the Dark Knight? You can’t. But I was still enjoying the movie since even a mediocre Terry Gilliam film is still really fun to watch. But then a scene took me WAY out of the movie.

There’s the little matter of statutory rape in the film. Shortly after her 16th birthday Dr. Parnassus’ daughter has sex with Colin Farrell on a boat. Now, I know the movie was made in England where the age of consent is 16. I checked Wikipedia. I hope nothing happens to me in the next few days where my computer is suddenly seized by a forensics team and they go over my internet history. That would be awkward.

But it was even more awkward to watch this unfold on film. OK, Colin’s hot, I get it ladies, but with a 16 year old? Come on. Also, the actress, Lily Cole, clearly looks (and is) older than 16 so why not just make her older and have your audience avoid a really icky feeling towards the end of the movie? Not really sure what the point of that was. Make her 21 or at least 18, on the verge of womanhood. Then after a clearly older man seduces her all the women in the audience would have just rolled their eyes and we would be done. Instead you get a real cringe worthy moment. And yes, I am aware that the age of consent in some states is 16 or in some cases even lower. Look how well that’s working out.

I suppose a few years ago this wouldn’t have bothered me as much, or at least I would not have fixated upon it. But now that I’m a father with a daughter, things change. Being the father of a young girl brings on a whole new and sometimes intrusively unwanted perspective. It’s hard to even look at strippers anymore without thinking “God, that girl’s parents must have really messed her up” Oh, don’t get me wrong, I can still do it and shut off parent mode while looking at a topless woman on cable but it just takes a little more effort every time.

So other than the rape part was The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus any good? Well, it was OK. Not my favorite of his films, but not his worst. But this is the first time I ever felt put off a bit by one. And while I’m pretty sure this situation will never arise, nevertheless I’m never letting Colin Farrell in a boat with my daughter.

A Coupon and Some Holiday Inspiration

2009-12-09T16:03:00.001-08:00

So, the holidays are upon us, bearing down like an unstable Christmas tree on an all too curious cat, and I thought I would give a little inspirational cheer as well as do a few plugs for gift giving, if you don’t mind.

First, I would like to invite everyone reading this to take 10% off EVERYTHING in the comedyfilmnerds.com store. This is the site run by myself and fellow filmmaker/comedian Graham Elwood. We offer some really cool signed and personalized merchandise from comedians and filmmakers. Right now you can get my book Pacify Me and Stefanie Wilder-Taylor’s new book It’s Not Me It’s You both signed and personalized and sent wherever you want in time for Christmas. We also have T-shirts, DVDs and even short film downloads, although I’m not sure how great a gift downloads make. They’re hard to wrap. So please stop by. Use the coupon code “improv” Don’t use the quotes, though. Seriously.

Now, I have often wondered (and been asked) how many fans do you really need to support yourself creatively? That’s a great question, and I didn’t think there was an answer, until another comedian, David Feldman, told me. He said the answer is simple: It’s 5,000.

Wait, so 5,000? David explained to me that it was called something like catching the tail of the comet. You need 5,000 people who like your work enough to pay $20 a year for it. The math is very simple. That’s $100,000 a year. And your fan base will grow from that 5,000.

It has nothing to do with the medium. Writing, podcasting, blogging, sculpting, painting, music, etc. It doesn’t matter. It could even be something technical like a piece of software or a video game. Maybe even an iphone app… You just need 5,000 people to spend $20 a year on you. Whether they are buying a book, CD, or paying for a podcasting subscription.

At first it seems like a lot but then think about it. It’s not 5,000 people in your town. It’s not 5,000 in your state, or even in your country. 5,000 people in the WORLD. That’s all you need. Friends and family count, too. See? You’ve already started.

Sure, it won't happen overnight, and it may take a few years, but nothing worthwhile is easy. So get out there. Find your 5,000.

Tis the Season...

2009-12-02T14:07:00.001-08:00

To be siiick, cough cough cough cough cough, cough cough cough cough. I never really noticed flu season before I had kids. Sure there was flu around, but I rarely got it and I also rarely got flu shots.

Now with a child in daycare and one at home with me it seems like from September to March we just have to buy $600 worth of tissues, Purell, and Claritin, which is not cheap by the way.

Remember when you could actually buy cold medicine over the counter? Now thanks to a few enterprising meth freaks and some media hype I need to show my driver’s license to buy Claritin or any cold medicine that actually works. Sure, you can still buy “reformulated” cold medicine on the shelf but you may as well be buying Pez. It doesn’t do anything for you.

So here we are and our 18 month old has ANOTHER cold. And now I have it. Now he’s getting better and I don’t have the energy to chase him around the house. Help me, television. Sometimes On Demand Sesame Street can actually help you keep your sanity. Thanks, PBS. While we like to limit television, let’s be honest: Exhaustion often trumps the danger of ADD.

A month ago he actually got sick going to get his flu vaccine. Not FROM the flu vaccine, but from being in the hot zone that is the pediatrician’s office when he got it. I know there is a lot of controversy about vaccines, but I'm not sure if it is warranted, to be honest. We got our children vaccinated. We listen to our doctors about what’s best medically for our children; not comedians, right wing loons, or playboy playmates. We decided that a good litmus test on who you should listen to would be: When your child gets sick or hurt, do you call your doctor or a celebrity?

A stomach virus recently went through our entire house, including through my visiting mother. Not pleasant. I however did not get it. When my wife asked me why, I explained to her that I am so anxious all the time about my career that the excess stomach acid flows so copiously that no virus or bacteria could survive in that kind of agitated environment.

So I’m hoping we’ll be through this “trial by virus” in the next few years and the kids’ software boots up a bit and we get a few less germs in the house. At this rate, the four year old seems to be doing pretty well. She’s been much healthier compared to previous years. All she’s doing now is surreptitiously carrying the daycare germs into the house for the rest of the family like she’s in some Michael Crichton novel.

Any way you can Purell the air?

Pulled Over Going 40 Miles Per Hour

2009-11-22T07:24:00.000-08:00

We all get speeding tickets at one time or another, and they suck. Does this mean we’re all speeders? Now, it means that speed traps have gotten more tricky and ridiculous to raise more money. The old cop joke: “Do cops have ticket quotas?” “I don’t have a quota, I can write as many tickets as I want”

I was taking Bella to school the way I’ve always gone for four years. I had my brother with me in the car and we were going to the airport afterwards. Nothing out of the ordinary. Right before Bella’s school is a high school that I pass every day. But this day I didn’t pass it.

I was stopped for the light outside the entrance to the high school and one of the fattest policemen I had ever seen waddled into traffic and told the guy in front of me and myself to pull over. Turns out he hadn’t tagged the guy in front of me, he just needed him to pull over to get to me. But then they started having a conversation and then the cop put his hand on his gun. Whoa, what’s going on? For a second I got a little frightened. I realized since this porky here obviously couldn’t run anyone down, he may be a pretty good shot to compensate for it. I thought maybe he had a desk job, but I don’t know if he would fit. At some point you have to be in shape to get through the Police Academy, right? So why don’t they retest periodically, or at least set a weight limit to that of a small building? But whatever the conversation was about, it ended and the other dude was on his way, scott-free.

The corpulent cop then explained to me I had been going 40 in a 40 zone, but since there are children present the speed limit was 25. What?! First of all, this is a HIGH SCHOOL. Some of these “kids” could be 18. Second, there is no school zone sign. I later learned it’s a block away in the other direction, so you would only see it if you were going a different way than I drove every day.

I looked at him write up my ticket on his motorcycle and thought OMG, this is the guy from that Guinness Book of World Records picture with the twins on the scooters.

So this leviathan in jack boots waddled back to my car and gave me my ticket. This was complete bullshit, and I saw he was pulling over three cars at a time all week because it was a trick speed trap. I tried to flash my lights on the way back to warn other drivers but I’m not sure if it helped. I didn’t say anything because I was so angry (not even a thank you!) and you certainly don’t want to make it worse. The typical responses all came to mind: “Why don’t you catch some real criminals? Try patrolling INSIDE the high school for a change. Have you tried Slimfast?” But I kept them to myself.

I was soon back on my way and dropped Bella off and explained what a ticket was. She was a bit confused. “A GOOD ticket gets you into Disneyland. A BAD ticket a fat policeman gives you for driving too fast. So there are different kinds of tickets”

Now LA has this system where they make it almost impossible and a huge hassle to not only fight a ticket but actually pay one. The inflatable cop lied and said “You’ll get the ticket in the mail and it will tell you how much you owe.” I knew that was bullshit from getting a ticket a few years back. That never happens. They never mail you anything so they hope you won’t take care of it and they can add extra fees on top of it. You have to call, go online or even go to the courthouse to even plead not guilty, and then you still have to pay the fine. Then if you win, you get a refund. My first instinct was to just pay this ticket and do traffic school and be done with it. But then I thought fuck that. There was no sign and this was a trick. I’m going to court. I’ll let you know how it goes. Perhaps if I baked that nice cop a batch of brownies he would “forget” to show up to court. Nah, I can’t afford that much mix.

More Random Thoughts

2009-11-13T14:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it’s nice to just put down some random thoughts because they are lonely and have nowhere else to go. Not big enough for a blog, but too big for Twitter. OK, maybe I just made that up, but still, random.

Big Bang Theory is actually a watchable network sitcom. I’ve also discovered, late into the game, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

I just got invited to a LARP (Live Action Role Playing) game/event. At first I thought it was like a key party, but turns out it’s a Deadwood themed party that’s actually also a game. So I’ll need to work on my pronunciation of “cocksucker”. I haven’t committed to it yet, but I will say I am intrigued and requested more information. I do remember playing Dungeons and Dragons in high school ON PAPER, but this would obviously be far nerdier. In fact, I think this may be Nerd Everest. Once you LARP, I mean what’s left? Building your own sex robot, maybe, but I don't know how to do that.

I do NOT look like that guy from Imagination Movers….. He looks like me.

Sometimes the best part about having two kids is thinking about how great it is that you don’t have three.

When I have 50 followers I’ll add the Followers gadget. Only 41 more to go.

I am always one social networking site behind, which I think says something about me and my social and networking skills.

I haven’t performed in Las Vegas since the summer and I am really beginning to miss it. I’m the only one who goes to Las Vegas to get some sleep.

I just got the PS3 Netflix disk in the mail and it’s awesome. Netflix on my TV! Limited on-demand library! Imagine if they actually had movies I wanted to watch on demand!

Just watched Coraline on Blu Ray and the 3-D actually works. Imagine my surprise. 3D on TV used to be relegated to getting the glasses at Wawa and then when the show “event” would come on it wouldn’t work and be blurry. I remember Creature from the Black Lagoon and some Kung Fu movie from my youth. Neither worked.

Between the baby and the cat, some days it seems like I’m cleaning up crap all day long. Either in a box or in a diaper, it’s there, and it has to go.

I bought the new Paramore CD and while I’m enjoying it I feel guilty about it.

I Think I'm Getting Older

2009-11-06T11:52:00.000-08:00

I think I’m getting older.
Here are some signs, and frankly, I don’t like them. Time, Time, Time, See what's become of me... Hazy shade of winter, blah blah blah

1)I remember when a time before e-mail.

2)I remember a time before blogging.

3)The only way my children can watch Bugs Bunny cartoons or the Three Stooges is on DVD.

4)My children say things like “I want to watch something on-demand” and “iphone” and “what does underwater on your mortgage mean?”

5)When I saw Queensryche live four years ago the lead singer said “are there any parents here?” and most of the audience cheered. The stadium was only half full, but to be fair, even when Queensryche was popular their shows were only half full.

6)I had a walkman that played one whole CD at a time.

7)As a kid, getting a VCR was a big deal and it took half a day to hook up.

8)Computers were more expensive, and the high end ones had a full 40 megabyte hard drive.

9)I keep saying things like 40 is the new 39 and I’m only half kidding.

10)I still hate Twitter.

11)I’m starting to hate Facebook.

12)I’m a mostly put off by, but yet a tad jealous of the actor from some FX show renting the house across the street who walks around outside mostly naked to show off his tattoos so casting agents think he’s “dangerous”. He has poker parties almost every day, bangs a bunch of models and says “Fuck!” really loud into his cell phone when he’s sitting on the front step. Shirtless.

13)I have a backlog of video games I still haven’t played. I can’t even get to Brutal Legend. I remember wasting away HOURS in my friend's basement playing the following Atari 2600 games: Missile Command, Adventure, Maze Craze, Megamania, and Superman.

14)I get excited over a good meal. I mean REALLY excited. OK, maybe that just makes me a foodie.

15)After my wife had our first child we no longer got the Victoria Secret catalogues and every day I miss them a little less.

16) I’m at Home Depot more and at Gamespot less.

17) I go into Hollywood sometimes and see the young hipsters and just want to smack them. Actually, this has nothing to do with them being young.

18) I still enjoy going to Disneyland, but now I have to worry about the kids getting Swine Flu.

19) I remember being upset the day Jim Henson died.

20)I remember when the GOOD cartoons were all on Saturday morning.

How about you?

Another Day in Internetland

2009-10-29T16:00:00.000-07:00

I've been a bit busy on the internets lately. You can hear me on a new podcast, namely MANIC MOMMIES:

http://www.manicmommies.com/2009/10/podcast-pacify-me/

I got a very nice compliment when one of the mommies said when she was editing it she almost peed herself. There is no better compliment to a comedian. Either peeing on yourself or spitting out your drink with laughter, it’s a compliment that either way involves some kind of fluid.
A friend of mine, Don Barnhart Jr. made CNN when a woman went into labor after one of his shows. Now that’s a compliment. “You were so funny, I gave birth!”

The internet is a great “equalizer” in the sense that it’s tough to get on television. Duh. I always get those “suggestions” like “You should go on Oprah and promote your book.” REALLY? I never thought of that! Do you have her number? Maybe you could call her for me and tell her she should put me on. And then maybe we could both go home with Kindles!

But it’s not easy. Mainly because I’m over 30. I’m always one social networking site behind, and just when I’m getting used to it, they fucking change how it works. For the Love of Lucy, Facebook, WTF? You changed your feed and now people are seeing me and I’m seeing them at COMPLETELY RANDOM TIMES AT YOUR OWN CHOOSING. Then you suggested I “reconnect” with my own wife. I don’t need your automated robot marriage counseling, Facebook. Do you WANT to become the next MySpace? Is that what you want? Keep going the way you’re going and you’ll do it. Remember Friendster? I thought so.

My buddy Graham Elwood and I even started our own comedy and film website last year called comedyfilmnerds.com and it just relaunched yesterday. Soft launch. Which means it can have problems and people will forgive you for a few weeks because you start getting angry e-mails. The old site, that crashed hard was besieged with angry nerds. “I love your content but hate your site” “Your navigation sucks” “Your logo is in the wrong place” etc…

It’s a site for comedians to write about movies and we have a store so you can buy CDs DVDs and books, most of them signed and some even personalized. For instance if you buy Doug Benson’s CD or my book, we’ll make it out specifically to you.

So blogs, podcasts, websites, message boards and e-mails. That’s where you’ll find me. And please, internet, could you change the way you do things a little more slowly, please? So Twitter has lists now? OK. Wait, Why!?

How HGTV Bought Us a New Fridge

2009-10-22T12:03:00.000-07:00

Our kitchen was falling apart. We had to do something about it, but we weren’t sure what. We couldn’t afford to just redo it. Even if we went cheap we couldn’t have done it. The kitchen, from the 70’s, was simply falling apart.

So then our neighbor told us we should apply for a new HGTV show the $250,000 challenge. Five families on the block compete, each week a new room is worked on and the winner gets $250,000. Wow. So even if we didn’t win, at least we could get to the kitchen stage. That would be a win for us.

It sounded so simple. Need something? Perhaps you need… a kitchen redone? A million dollars from starving yourself on an island? Perhaps you just need to feed a self destructive narcissistic craving for attention. Then ask a reality show for help. They’re there for YOU!

So we applied. We did many interviews. I think we did well. The producers came and looked at our house. They looked at the different rooms and tried to figure out if our house would suit their needs and if we would fit their needs for the camera.

When the producer saw our kitchen, he actually stopped and let out a bit of an anguished cry, like “ohhewwewoh” He then tried to cover it up but we knew that he knew that we knew that our kitchen was a disaster. Which of course, was not such a bad thing for a home improvement show.

Half of our house we had worked on. We have a very nice living room, one of the bathrooms was redone, our family room was in decent shape and over the years we converted the garage into an office. The previous owners were using it to grow pot, so all the insulation and outlets were already installed. A little drywall and add a window, and presto. Salacious drug den to nerdy office.

So we had a bathroom, a bedroom and a disastrous kitchen that could be redone. Plus, my wife and I would be pretty fun on camera, I would think. Not typical HGTV types.
More interviews, and a little good news. They had picked our street. Great! Getting closer. They were narrowing it down.

Soon another call came. They had narrowed it down to eight families, of which were were part of the eight and then they were going to pick five. We were so close. There’s no way we’d be in the loser three, right? Then we started thinking, hell, maybe we’ll get a new kitchen and then also win $250,000. Why not? With that kind of money we could turn the garage back into a… never mind.

But then as we were waiting for the next call, our fridge up and died on us. Gave up the frozen ghost. We thought, if it had just lasted a few weeks more… But then we got the call. Yes, THE call. The call that told us HGTV was passing on us, and we were not in the top five. Damn it!
So we went and got a fridge. We miserably went and got a fridge, our hopes of getting our house redone for free quietly disappearing. But we did get a really nice fridge. We lucked out and got a Fisher and Paykel, on a markdown due to it having a little ding on the side that we didn’t care about.

But then, we got ANOTHER call from HGTV. A much better one, this time. While we still weren’t on the show, they were sending us a check for all the time and interviews we did. It covered our new fridge.

We were disappointed to be sure, but we also realized that when you’re doing a show like that you really don’t get to take your time and do it the way you want to. We do like to take our time with things and get them the way we like them. Or so we rationalized. So while we didn’t get to meet Drew Lachey of 98 degrees, we do have a new fridge, which runs at a cool 45 degrees. OK, that was a stretch, I know.

At The Long Beach Comic-Con

2009-10-13T13:21:00.000-07:00

I was on a panel recently at the first annual Long Beach Comic Con and it was really fun. It should be up in a week or two for viewing. (Comicsoncomics.com) I was with Matt Weinhold, Jonathan London, Jimmy Palmiotti and Amanda Conner. Big fun. Matt and Jonathan I had met before (both hilarious) but it was the first time I had met Jimmy and Amanda. And dammit, they’re good people. In addition to being great comic book writer/artists, of course. Amanda even bought my book. I was very flattered. We talked about kids and she told me to bring my daughter down the next day and she would sign a Supergirl print for her. It had never occurred to me to bring my four year old daughter down the next day.

But I thought about it, and I did. Isabella and I got into the car nice and early and drove down to Long Beach. We went in and instantly Bella’s eyes lit up. “Look, there’s Superman!” she exclaimed. It never occurred to me that the people dressed up at a Comic Con have the same effect on children as Pluto in Disneyland. She wanted a picture with him. The dude dressed as Superman was happy to do it. This was really cool. I soon learned that people dressed up at a Con expect this from children and are happy to take pictures with them. I think it gives them as much of a thrill as it does the child. Hey, we all get our kicks in different ways. No judgments here. We got pictures with Supergirl, Batgirl, Boba Fett, some weird stormtrooper guy (I think). Sometimes the costumes are so obscure it’s almost like a super secret nerd joke. Okay, so you’re a character from a video game that only came out in Japan circa 1989? You look very pixilated.

Also, speaking of cons this tweet from Brian Michael Bendis really made me giggle and roll my eyes at the same time:
RT @BRIANMBENDIS: con goers: not all asian women are in costume. some are just asian. dont ask what character they are. yes, this happened

Bella and I then walked around, went to the Nintendo Booth and played some games together. They were cool too, showing Bella how to play. She kicked ass at the wakeboarding game.

I realized I had been completely wrong. The comic book convention is simply made for children. Not just us big children but actual, shorter children. The problem is Comic-Con in San Diego has gotten so huge and so unmanageable it’s hard to walk around as an adult, let alone try to keep your child from running into a Klingon with his batleth out. The Long Beach Comic-Con was perfect. Small, manageable, you could walk around, and I even chatted with Richard Hatch from Battlestar Galactica briefly.

Although Bella didn’t understand that people were waiting in line to meet an artist, and not a superhero. But we did wait in line to see Amanda Conner and she gave Bella a signed Supergirl print, which is awesome by the way. We’re going to frame it. But I wasn’t sure how to protect it until the guy behind me said “If you wait one minute I can give you a rubber band to roll it up with”

“Thanks.” He gave me the rubber band and then watched in disapproval as I rolled it up.

“You need to roll it tighter so it doesn’t get any creases.”

“—er OK. Thanks.” I did it again. Satisfied, my anal, rubber band providing, poster rolling friend departed.

Amanda gave Bella the print and didn’t charge me. I tried to pay her, saying she bought my book but she wouldn’t take my money. She said “you have kids.” I immediately nodded and thanked her for her generosity. Ha. “you have kids” ‘nuff said.

Boardwalks, Meltdowns, and Diabolical Baby Formula

2009-10-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

Misadventures on the Ocean City NJ Boardwalk. Are there any other kind? Over at honestbaby.com

http://www.honestbaby.com/boardwalks-meltdowns-and-diabolical-baby-formula/#more-17500

Random Acts of Irritation

2009-10-05T20:24:00.000-07:00

Our kitchen STILL isn’t done. At some point, a company really has to stop lying to you and actually do their fucking job. Supposedly, Monday is that day, when they install our countertop that apparently had to be shipped in from the moon.

Tom Delay on Dancing with The Stars dancing to “Wild Thing” I saw a few seconds of this by accident, and I’m sorry to say I may take it with me to the grave. Please… I know Sarah Palin is the first reality Show politician, but please politicians, stop going on reality shows. We know you’re narcissistic egomaniacs. You don’t need to prove it anymore. At least Rod Blagojevich has been laying low. Probably combing his luxurious hair…

We just got a new cordless phone. My wife did a new thing where it rang and then she handed the cordless phone to me, twice, without answering it, thinking the calls were for me. By the time she got it in my hand, it had already gone to voicemail. Twice. When I mentioned this she got angry at me for having attitude and blamed the new phone for not working.

Our cable isn’t working properly and hasn’t for a while. The cable company’s attitude is pretty much “So what? Where you gonna go? We bought the other companies. Go get a satellite dish, then. Go. We don’t care. Now go get your shinebox…”

It takes me longer to learn new technologies now. Stupid aging process. And stupid Twitter, PayPal, HTML, and shopping cart integrations.

At least the new season of Dexter started. Love that show.

What’s irritating YOU, right now?

EXTREME DAD!

2009-09-28T11:41:00.000-07:00

I wrote an article for THE FATHER LIFE. It's actually my first article for another website. Please don't tell them. It's about being EXTREME DAD...

http://thefatherlife.com/mag/2009/09/28/don%e2%80%99t-be-extreme-dad/

Sesame Street: You CAN go home again

2009-09-23T10:06:00.000-07:00

Finally coming out of the whole overwhelmed thing. Slowly starting to get the balance back. Kitchen should be usable again next week. Must... stop.. eating... microwave food....

OK so I was watching Sesame Street with Griffin who is now around 14 months old. He gets a little bit more TV than Bella did, mainly because well, I’m freaking exhausted, that’s why, and sometimes you just need 20 minutes of not chasing around a toddler who keeps wondering what the cat tastes like.

As I was watching Sesame Street I was amazed to see most of the old actors I grew up with still there, like Gordon, Susan, Bob and of course the same guy who does Big Bird and Oscar. They’ve been doing this for 40 years! That kind of job security is unheard of, especially in television. Although somehow I doubt the raises have been too significant. It is public television after all.

Sesame Street is a mix of old footage and new and I remembered some of the segments when I was a kid like the Ladybug Picnic and the western one where a guy marked everyone with an “X” until a boy asked him to stop and then he started doing “O”s. My favorite was the last line “The townspeople were satisfied, because they really weren’t very smart”

Sesame Street always catered to both the children and the parents watching, which has always been cool. You can really see the flash of genius between Jim Henson and Frank Oz doing skits with Ernie and Cookie Monster (The Cookie Bunny) and other sketches with Grover and that guy he always tortured in the restaurant. Some of them were loose, ad libbed and really pretty funny.

I was happy to see that tradition being upheld. Sure, Elmo is still really annoying, although less so once you have kids. Mainly because they sit still and watch him for a few minutes, making you actually grateful to him. Like making a deal with a high pitched furry red devil. Yes, master. Whatever you say, master.

There was one segment that really made me laugh and I actually rewound to watch it again. I tried to find it on YouTube but couldn’t and then I finally found it on the Sesame Street site. The band Squirrel Nut Zippers did a parody of their song Put a Lid on it and kept putting things on a guy’s head. I found the link. Here it is. I may even buy their album now.

http://www.sesamestreet.org/video_player?p_p_lifecycle=0&p_p_id=videoPlayer_WAR_sesameportlets4369&p_p_uid=15b7e365-4143-11dd-a2c3-4d6bdc929d13

So it was cool to see there is one thing I grew up with that the spirit has remained the same. And I am happy to share it with my children. Here’s to another 40 years of Sesame Street.

Overwhelmed!

2009-09-06T11:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we get overwhelmed. For me, this is one of those times. The last few weeks have been crazy, and I finally found the combination of events that has left me with no time to do anything except check an occasional e-mail and maybe do a Facebook update and then try to sleep for 3-4 hours at a stretch. Keep in mind, it’s not like I was looking for that combination of events.

The combination is as follows: Having two children, traveling with two children, getting sick, redoing our kitchen, trying to promote the book and taking care of a baby that refuses to nap for 12-14 hours a day. Little room for anything else. In fact, my book promotion, blogging, and everything career related has simply come to a complete halt over the past few weeks. At first I was sad that comedyfilmnerds.com crashed and burned and can’t be fixed, but as the new version of the site is being rebuilt I realized it actually came at a perfect time. I have no time to devote to it right now.

I had to stay in a hotel for a few days, but meeting Rowdy Roddy Piper was extremely cool so there were some perks. But Going to Home Depot every few days (sometimes more than once) and coordinating what feels like a 100 contractors with a 13 month old in tow has not been easy. Although my 13 month old now knows everything there is to know about grout. Good for him.
Meet the Contractors: You’re the regular contractor, great. Now there’s the cabinet guy, the countertop guy, the appliances and the home depot coordinator, and oh, regular contractor you’re going on vacation in the middle of the job? Great. Glad you mentioned that earlier. Oh, wait, you didn’t. Well done. I guess that’s my fault.

Now the expensive copper sink is crooked and it’s always a hassle to return stuff online, home depot has nothing in stock, and now the sink doesn’t fit, the faucets won’t fit, some of the cabinets are damaged or wrong, etc. We’re using a fridge, a toaster oven and a microwave and a credit card for meals. Oh, and now I’m having anxiety attacks? That’s weird. I wonder how that happened.

The thing is, we NEVER would have redone our kitchen unless we had to. We knew it would be a nightmare. But between our old cabinets falling apart (and down, they were separating from the ceiling) a 24 inch oven from 1956 and a vinyl floor that had more stains than actual pattern it was time. We knew when we bought the house we would have to redo it eventually. Would have been easier to do it without two kids, but hey, hindsight is always 20/20.

But now things are at least progressing. Most of the cabinets are in, the appliances should be here soon and the kitchen should at least be semi-functional in 2 weeks or so. I hope.

(Chris gets up because his neighbor’s giant dogs have now run into his backyard and scared his children. His wife needs help getting them out. They won’t leave. The neighbor won’t answer his doorbell. Chris gets the dogs out of his yard, closes the gate and with the help of another neighbor leashes the dogs and brings themn back to his negligent dog-owner neighbor, who is still sleeping. Thankfully his roommate is up and takes the dogs. Chris has done his good deed for the day and then resumes his blog that he almost can’t finish.)

I have to say the kitchen does looks nice and will be worth the hassle once it is complete, a thousand years from now. For now I’m just trying to keep the baby from eating the new cabinets. Maybe I’ll just give him one to chew on so I can get 15 minutes of sleep…

How I Met Rowdy Roddy Piper at the Denny's

2009-08-23T12:01:00.000-07:00

OK, so I’d been staying at the Best Western for a few days while large men ripped out our kitchen. Week one. Our house is, well, a mess. Even the dust has a thin layer of dust on it. I can only look forward to the day our kitchen will be complete, many years into the future. But anyway, there I was eating every day with Griffin at the Denny’s which was next to the hotel. They got to know me. I was a regular at the Denny’s, at least for a few days.

One morning I go in and who walks in but wrestling legend Rowdy Roddy Piper with two other friends. He sits down at a table close to me. He still wears his “Hot Rod” shirt and looks absolutely great. I have no idea how old the guy is, but he looks like he is his early 50’s. I’m pretty sure he’s a little older, but like I said the man looks great. I better stop now because soon it will sound like I have a crush on him.

I grew up watching him. From going to see him live at the Spectrum in Philly to watching him in Wrestlemania. I went to see Wrestlemania 3 live in Atlantic City about 100 years ago. But also seeing him in movies like They Live with the extended wrestling fight scene was hilarious. He was an entertainer, could be the bad guy, had an amazing sense of humor and was one of my favorites along with Sergeant Slaughter. I even remember him beating the shit out of Morton Downey Jr. during one of the Wrestlemania stunts. Hilarious. Old School wrestling and old school spectacle.

So you would think I would have gone up to him and introduced myself. But I didn’t. I didn’t want to bother him. Another guy sat down next to him and I listened and it was really hilarious to hear Rowdy Roddy Piper in Denny’s say the word “Grand Slam” I always feel like people want to be left alone and I rarely get star struck, but ultimately I just paid my bill and walked out.

I walked to the target and got some more formula for Griffin and then walked back to the hotel. And then I went passed the Denny’s again. I stopped. I wondered if Rowdy Roddy was still there. I thought I may never get the opportunity again and I thought (ridiculously) that it would be a much more interesting story and blog post if I did go up to him.

So I went back in.

I said excuse me and went up to Rowdy Roddy Piper and told him I was a big fan and grew up watching him. He instantly stood up and was the most gracious dude ever. I got a few pics, and I could tell the guy is really appreciative and loves his fans. It wasn’t the fake “thank you, please don’t bother me” vibe that some celebrities give off. It was genuine and I’m glad I met him.
Then it got a little ironic. The guy who was with Rowdy Roddy recognized ME. “You’re a comedian, aren’t you? We met a while back. I saw you sitting over there before” How crazy was that?

He was another comic who recognized me and I instantly forgot his name the second he told me. When you have two children, your short term memory is simply gone. Bye Bye. I now forget things not just after someone tells me something, but AS they are telling me. I remembered his name later in the shower. It was Tommy James. He is a very funny comedian/writer/producer. Everyone has multiple hats these days. We all have to multitask in this biz.

After introductions I said “I didn’t want to bother you before but then I guess I changed my mind” “It’s no bother,” Rowdy Roddy graciously added. The guy was just awesome.

So now I have a story to tell my son when he grows up and wonders who the large man is in the picture who Daddy was all excited to meet. You know, the hassle of redoing the kitchen doesn’t seem as bad now.

ABC News and the Contest Winner

2009-08-11T15:10:00.000-07:00

OK, so the contest winner is… Bad Ass Geek. Not for guessing correctly, but for the sheer number of guesses. I love the enthusiasm. So I’ll be sending him a DVD since he already has the book.

So the contest is still sort of open. If anyone scrolls down and then finds the job I’ve never had, they’ll still win a free book or DVD. I have more.

Recently I did an interview with ABC News. Here’s the link:

http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=8272562

Now, it was a very surreal experience for a number of reasons. First of all, it taped in NY. I live in LA. I went down to the ABC affiliate and taped my segment there. I had never been in a newsroom before. It was small. No makeup, no nothing. Just a chair. Being a comic, other comics tell you to bring your own makeup. I didn’t have any. I borrowed my wife’s. I THINK we’re the same shade but I didn’t want to look shiny so I went with it.

I was nervous. No host in front of me, since she was in NY. I just listened in the earpiece and talked into the one camera in the whole studio. The crew guys were awesome. There’s just something about old union crew guys that just puts you at ease immediately. They talked to me, helped me to relax, and told me to stop checking my notes. The camera guys asked me for a signed book for the tech director who just had a baby. I gave him one. I learned to always bring extra books in case. Plus, you always want to keep the camera dude happy. Otherwise the host will be interviewing your feet.

The other reason that the whole thing was surreal was that the ABC lot was where I used to temp as a computer tech and then later worked as a writer for Port Charles. So it was really cool to go from being a temp on the lot to coming back as a guest. Not that anyone remembered or recognized me, but it was still really cool.

I remember when I was temping I has such a detachment about my job. I did the work, but the weird thing was I made all these crazy demands because I didn’t care, and they let me do whatever I wanted. Unlimited time off to go do stand-up, I was the highest paid tech although I was the least experienced, and I realized that it was so hard for them to get competent help that they put up with me because I did my job, didn’t complain, and made everyone laugh. I think that helped the most. I just didn’t care about having or losing the job. It’s the best bargaining position you can have.

I remember I even tried to sabotage the interview by showing up in jeans and answering a question incorrectly but honestly:
“What would you do if someone asks you for a keyboard extender but you know they don’t really need it?”
“I would give it to them, because it’s not worth the hassle.”
The interview ended with my boss saying “I’ll show you where your office will be.”

Then of course the tech bubble burst and all the internet tech support guys flooded back into the market and all the jobs were pretty much gone. But by then I had moved on to being a working and often not working writer.

So it was good to be back on the ABC lot. Sometimes your accomplishments are measured in years, others in moments. It was good to have a moment while sitting in a newsroom chair with my wife’s makeup on my face.